


Dancing with a fallen angel

by achlyss



Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band)
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Attempted Suicide, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, dongjunchan-centric, polyamorous dongjunchan, side wowson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-03-30 08:55:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 56,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13948149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achlyss/pseuds/achlyss
Summary: “I have fallen from sky,Fallen to the ground,I am the angel of sadness,Angel of lost hopes,Angel of lost dreams,I am the fallen angel,Fear me not,I am here for reason,That reason is to have a second chance in life.”  - Jennifer Rondeau





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there.  
> So this is the beginning of my second story on ao3. I hope you will enjoy reading this.  
> This will be Dongjunchan centric, but Wowson will have their own fair time.  
> The names of Yuchan's parents aren't real and I didn't have anyone specific in mind while naming them, so imagine them however you like (there's going to be so much of them in the future chapters).  
> I'm not sure if updates will be frequent, but I will try to update as fast as possible.  
> I never get to fix mistakes, so I apologize for them.  
> Enjoy reading the first chapter.

 

**Chapter One**

 

_Seeing an angel._

 

Donghun watched the boy dance, carefree, graceful, efortless, soft sea breeze caressing his pink dusted cheeks, arms swaying along-wind, gentle smile playing on his lips. It was a beautiful sight to watch - everything drowning in silence, only him, the dancing boy and the silent sea. He felt like he was seeing everything in slow motion, the morning sun casting beautiful glow on the boy, making him seem like a dancing angel, spread out arms his wings, swaying hair his halo. It was a breathtaking sight.

“Beautiful, isn’t he?” Familiar pair of arms found their way around his waist, pulling him against a warm chest and out of his trace. _He was beautiful._

“Who is he?” Donghun asked - quiet, dazed, as he averted his attention from the boy to his lover hugging him close. It had been two days since they had finished moving into a new house, away from the loud, busy city, hidden away in the small, quiet village. And Donghun had woken up each day at dawn to watch the unknown, mysterious boy dance on the high, long cement jetty extending out to the sea.

“Sehyoon says, he’s Jeonghwan's son.” Junhee told him, cheek laid on his shoulder, voice still rough from sleep.

“I didn’t know he had a son.” Donghun said to himself. He had met the Kang family before. They were close with them. They first met Jeonghwan at university. He was their professor almost three years ago for one of their summer classes. Donghun had worked with the man before, two years ago. He helped him on the analysis of one of Jeonghwan's latest discoveries and the man had never mentioned his son even once. The Kangs were also the ones who helped them buy the house and set details with the previous owner for them. Donghun and Junhee had decided that they needed to get out of the city and find someplace peaceful and quiet three months ago. It had been sudden, but they both knew it was much needed. The village they had come to was full of people like them, willing to work in peace and find some peacefulness. “He didn’t come with them to welcome us yesterday.” His eyes turned from Junhee back to the boy, gaze fixed on his relaxed, tranquil face. The boy seemed to be out of this world, lost wandering in some other place, somewhere far from the village, somewhere only he knew existed.

“He didn’t.” Junhee confirmed, faint and simple, distracted by the sight.

“I wonder why.” Donghun murmured and his mind took it as a cue to come up with different scenarios of why the boy might have refused to come and greet them along with his parents. _Maybe he was shy?_   _Maybe he wasn't used to meeting new people?_   Donghun didn't know. But the boy did seem like a person who enjoyed his own presence and quiet, undisturbed and free.

“I overheard a few things about him yesterday when I was at the market.” Junhee told him, his own gaze fixed on the boy. He felt captivated. The dancing boy was captivating, bathing under the glory of morning sun, looking ethereally beautiful.

“What did you hear?” Donghun asked, curious. He disliked gossips, but he wanted to know something about the boy. He wanted to know the reason behind every dance of his.

“Nothing worthy to know.” Junhee said and refused to cooparate any further. He didn't want to speculate anything. He prefered to see things with his own eyes. What he had heard were probably just baseless gossips. Some old ladies having too much free time and talking ill about the boy they have never actually come in touch with. Junhee didn’t want what he had heard to influence their perceptions of the boy, not until they meet him in person, figured him out on their own, pieced his story little by little. The only downside of living in a small village, Junhee was coming to realize, was that people always gossiped, turned bees into elephants, made their own, distorted versions of someone else’s stories. He was starting to wonder if there already were stories of him and Donghun moving around from house to house. “Maybe we can visit them later?” He suggested. He was sure Donghun was curious of the boy. He had caught his lover staring at him for two mornings in a row. He himself observed both of them silently from behind. He was just as curious of meeting the boy. He didn’t know why, but he felt strangely drawn to him. As if he had met him before somewhere. He was sure Donghun felt the same way. He could read it in the way his lover’s eyes followed every move of the boy’s arms, captivated by his grace.

The dancing boy seemed like a mystery waiting to be solved and Donghun and Junhee loved solving and finding explanations of the universe’s mysteries.

“Yeah, maybe we should.” Donghun said just as the boy abruptly stopped dancing and turned around. His eyes met Donghun’s for a mere second, but it felt like an eternity.

_The dancing angel._ Donghun found a name for the nameless boy. An angel who started every quiet morning of summer dancing before disappearing somewhere in time for the rest of a day. He caught a sad smile that crossed the boy’s face before he tore his gaze from Donghun’s and leaped into the water, causing both Donghun and Junhee to gasp, bodies reacting instinctively, arms reaching out.

The dancing angel disappeared for the day.

They would have to wait for a new morning to come to see him dancing again.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> Here goes the new chapter.  
> Reminder that the names of Yuchan's parents aren't real and I had no one particular in mind while naming them so you can imagine them however you like.  
> I didn't get to fix mistakes, so I apologize for them.  
> Hope you enjoy reading this chapter.

 

**Chapter Two**

 

_Meeting an angel._

 

“I’m so glad to have you two boys here.” Mrs. Kang told them sweetly, as she handed them cool glasses of fresh orange juice. They had met her before. She was a lovely lady, fierce in appearance, but utterly kind. Donghun liked to regard her as a musical genius. Junhee and Donghun had heard her play on the piano few times before and they could still remember how captivating it felt to watch her play.

“Thank you, Yeeun.” Junhee was quick to thank her and she gave him a warm smile in return before sitting down beside her husband on the couch. Even though she was much older than them, she disliked when Junhee and Donghun addressed her in a formal manner, saying that it made her feel old and disheartened. She definitely wasn’t old by heart and appearance. They had found her to be a free spirit, bold and courageous in music and life. Junhee and Donghun found it nice to talk with her. They got along well. She shook her hand in dismissal before gesturing them to have a sip.

“Did Sehyoon return to the city?” Jeonghwan asked, arm draped around his wife.

“No. He decided to stay for some time.” Donghun shook his head in return.

“I saw him going cycling with my nephew, Byeongkwan.” Yeeun told them, catching their attentions right away.

“Byeongkwan?” Junhee asked, brow raised at the mention of unfamiliar name.

“Mhmm.” Yeeun nodded. “He came a week ago to spend summer with us. Now that I think of it, he did mention coming across someone he knew from the city.” She explained. Donghun and Junhee shared a look. Sehyoon had never mentioned someone named Byeongkwan, however the name sounded familiar. They must have heard it somewhere before. But Junhee was certain it wasn’t from their best friend. The only name they had been hearing from Sehyoon for the past few months was Jason and they had never met the guy.

Junhee noticed Donghun looking curiously around the room. He was sure his lover was searching for some sign of the dancing angel’s existence inside the house. The married couple hadn’t mentioned their son at all and Donghun and Junhee thought it to be rude to ask. He did notice few family portraits here and there and caught familiar, smiling face of the mysterious boy. They all seemed relatively old, but the boy’s features haven’t changed much with time. They were still soft and beautiful, but what Junhee found to be odd was that the dancing angel looked genuinely happy in them, unbearable amount of sorrow he had caught in his eyes this morning wasn't there. He felt like he was looking at the same person with different soul living inside their body. 

“Jeonghwan mentioned the possibility of you two working together again, Donghun.” Yeeun stated, ever so curious. Donghun’s eyes snapped from the pictures hanging on the wall to her.

“Oh, yes. There’s a chance. But first, he has to find that artifact he had been searching for almost two years now.” Donghun said as he flashed Jeonghwan across him a teasing grin. He could still remember how excited the older man had been when his crew notified him that there was a chance of finding the missing piece of one of his biggest discoveries. Unfortunately, they hadn’t been very successful even after looking for it for almost two years. It would be a lie, if Donghun said that he hadn’t been looking forward to the other male making the discovery. He was just as excited about finding the missing piece of the artifact he had worked on with Jeonghwan months ago as the older man was. They shared the same passion when it came to digging through the earth, trying to find lost, long forgotten mysteries of the civilizations that have lived before them and left their own mark on the mankind.

“I will find it. You will see, kid. I will find it soon.” Jeonghwan returned his smug grin, pointing a finger at him to make his point. Donghun would look forward to it.

He opened his mouth to reply, but the loud, violent sound of the front door being ripped open disturbed the pleasant atmosphere and attracted their attention. They all fell in silence for awhile, before Yeeun decided to break it.

“Sweetheart?” She called out, turning her head towards the living room’s entrance. “Is that you?” She waited for a second only to get silence in return. The woman heaved a sigh and as she was about to get up a familiar boy walked through the widely opened doors, hair drenched in water. He immediately stopped on his track when his gaze landed on Junhee and Donghun sitting across his parents on the couch. Junhee caught the sight of his eyes widening for a second and surprise crossing his face before his expression settled back into neutral. He was sure the boy had recognized them. He was sure the boy knew there had been two pair of eyes observing him every morning from afar. Junhee felt Donghun’s fingers slipping between his, lacing them together. He turned his eyes from the boy to his lover. Donghun’s eyes were curiously observing the boy standing few meters away from the couch. “Come here, sweetheart.” Yeeun patted free space beside her, gesturing her son to have a seat. The boy hesitated for a second, before paddling over to the couch and flopping down next to his mother. Both, Donghun’s and Junhee’s eyes followed his every step and rested on his hunched shoulders and head hung low. “Were you on the lake?” She asked grabbing her son’s attention. The boy nodded, fingers nervously playing with the sleeves of his oversized t-shirt. Junhee and Donghun waited with held breath for the moment they would be introduced to the boy, for the moment they would have a name to call him. Instead of being a nameless dancing angel, he would be a dancing angel with name. Donghun wanted to know his name so much. He believed that everyone and everything needed to have a name in life.

“Channie, these are our friends and new neighbours, Donghun.” Yeeun started, gesturing to Donghun. “And Junhee.” And then to Junhee. _Channie?_ Both males waited for the boy to speak, to say something in return. His eyes trailed from Donghun to Junhee and back, only hesitating on them for a second before moving from one to the other.

“Nice to meet you.” The boy whispered, almost inaudible, voice soft and quiet, but it sent chills down Donghun’s and Junhee’s spines. They had anticipated for this moment for the entire day. “You can call me Yuchan or Chan.” He added and Donghun found the name to be strangely befitting of him. _Yuchan._ It was a lovely name to call someone.

“It’s our pleasure to meet you, Chan.” Junhee said, giving the boy warm, beautiful smile. Donghun noticed slight shade of pink creeping up on the boy’s cheeks. He found it to be endearing. Junhee had such effect on everyone he came across with.

Both, Donghun and Junhee locked their eyes with Yuchan one by one. It only lasted for a mere second, but it was enough to make them forget about the married couple inside the room. There was this strange feeling of familiarity between them. Something none of them could put the name to, something so magical, so unearthly, even Donghun couldn’t explain.

“Why don’t you go and change, sweetheart? It’s almost time for dinner.” Yeeun told him, caressing the nape of her son’s neck. Yuchan got up hastily, as if he had been forced to sit on the couch, hurrying out of the room without sparing any glance to Junhee and Donghun. “Ah, and don’t forget to take your medicine before you come down.” Yeeun called after the boy, who came to a halt in an instant. His back remained turned to them, arms hanging on his sides numbly, shoulders hunched, fists clenched.

“I won’t.” He whispered before disappearing inside the hall. Donghun’s and Junhee’s eyes remained fixed on the entrace, where the boy had disappeared.

“You will be staying for dinner, won’t you, boys?” Yeeun tried to gather their attention, standing up and brushing off her summer dress.

Both, Donghun and Junhee nodded in return, unable to speak, minds wandering around the boy outside. Donghun wanted to ask the married couple why they had never mentioned about Yuchan’s existence before or if the boy was ill to require medication, but he didn’t know how to word his questions without making things uncomfortable. He had a lot of questions he needed to ask, but he didn’t want to bring up a sensitive topic and upset the family or ruin their dinner at the same time, so he put water in his mouth and shared a silent look with his lover. They would figure it out. Together. Little by little. Step by step. They would learn more about Yuchan.

As for now, knowing the boy’s name was enough.

_Yuchan._

The dancing angel was called Yuchan.

Such a lovely name to call someone.

 

*******

 

Donghun couldn’t really remember how dinner went or what they discussed. He was too occupied by observing Yuchan, who had rejoined them few minutes later, sitting down across him and Junhee on the table beside his mother. He caught the boy stealing glances of him and Junhee when he thought none of them were looking, immediately lowering his eyes whenever they met with Junhee’s or Donghun’s. He seemed curious, but cautious.

Donghun noticed few things about him - how he chewed food so slowly, almost painfully, as if someone was forcing him to eat, how he ate so little, how he tried to cover half of his fingers with his t-shirt's sleeves, how his eyes darted around nervously and cautiously, how he kept his head hung low for the entire time, only raising it slightly when he wanted to peek at Donghun or Junhee. The boy remained quiet for the entire dinner. Donghun wasn't sure if he was part of his imagination or he was real. He glanced at Junhee who met his eyes. His lover had the same doubts.

They both found hundreds of questions swarming around inside their heads. They had questions to ask and they wanted to know answers to each of them, but they couldn’t ask. Not yet. Not when they had just met Yuchan. They found themselves burning in desire of knowing what had caused their dancing angel to be on the edge of his nerves, if it was them making him uncomfortable and cautious.

Yeeun tried to keep the conversation going and mood lively, however either of Donghun and Junhee seemed very enthusiastic to engage as their minds were fully concentrated on the boy sitting quietly across them, busy learning small, hidden habits of the little mystery they had stumbled across at dawn.

 

*******

 

After dinner Donghun and Junhee found themselves back on their previous place on the couch, across Jeonghwan and Yeeun, with distracting addition of Yuchan on the scene. The boy was sitting on the floor, cheek rested on his knees, hugging them close to his chest. He seemed absent, wandering in different places of his own mind. Both Donghun and Junhee tried their very best to refrain from staring, hold their urges of finding more about the boy. It was difficult. They wanted to talk with Yuchan, talk about Yuchan, learn about his likes and dislikes, but Jeonghwan and Yeeun seemed to prefer to talk about anything and everything instead of their son sitting on the floor by the couch.

The great gods of mount Olympus must have heard their prayers because Jeonghwan, who had been explaining his latest expedition in details, suddenly stopped talking, straightened up in his seat and placed his hand on Yuchan’s lowered head with utmost care, pulling the boy out of his own wonderland. The father and the son shared a small smile when Yuchan lifted up his head to look at him, startled by the sudden touch.

“Our Channie here has been interested in calligraphy recently.” He started, looking at Donghun and Junhee with proud, fatherly smile, but Donghun found something to be strange about it, something he didn't have the right word to describe. “He likes to rewrite ancient texts he finds in this chaotic house.” The man added and Donghun and Junhee caught the unfamiliar sparkle appear in Yuchan’s turned up eyes for less than a second before disappearing. It was brief, but it seemed like a burning star had turned into supernova inside them. Liking calligraphy was something one of them had in common with the boy. His lover broke into a wide smile next to him at the mention of ancient writings. They were part of Junhee's everyday life. Something he breathed on daily basis. Sometimes Donghun wondered if Junhee’s blood run on digging into historical texts.

“Oh, does he?” Junhee clasped his hands together in pleasant surprise, gathering everyone’s attention inside the room on him. Jeonghwan gave a slight nod. “This is something I can offer my help with. I'm sure I can find more ancient handwritings in my office than Jeonghwan has in this house.” Junhee announced, sounding pleased with himself. Yuchan’s eyes trailed on him.

“Junhee here has a great knowledge in Palaeography.” Jeonghwan gestured his son to Junhee. Donghun noticed some kind of strange hopefulness in the older man’s eyes. As if he was trying to offer Yuchan a companion, maybe a friend? “You should show him some of your works. He can help you with understanding them better than I do.” Jeonghwan offered. Yuchan didn’t say anything, just glanced between his father and the other male. Donghun, who had his gaze fixed on the boy was quick to catch even the slighest changes in his eyes. The previous excitement he had caught in the boy's eyes was slowly replaced by something. If it was disappointment or sadness, Donghun didn't know. He found it strange, but his mind couldn't give him an answer.

“That sounds wonderful, doesn’t it, sweetheart?” Yeeun asked as she leaned forward to look at her son. Yuchan nodded slightly, almost unnoticeable, as if he was manipulated and forced into action by someone's invisible hand.

“I can even offer you some of my old notes. I’m sure they will be a great help.” Junhee suggested. He seemed enthusiastic. It brought smile on Donghun's face. He tried to push his thoughts away and turned his attention on his lover. Maybe Junhee could discover something about the boy from the texts Yuchan preferred to use as an inspiration for practicing calligraphy.

“That’s so nice of you, Jun.” Yeeun said, giving Junhee a sweet, grateful smile, who returned it back. He would be pleased to help Yuchan with something they both shared a common interest in. For Junhee, this seemed to be the best way to learn more about the mysterious dancing angel.

“Oh, that’s nothing. Donghun and I have a lot of free time on our hands.” Junhee said it to give Yuchan slight push of courage, hinting that it would be alright if the boy was to bother them with his interest in calligraphy. “Donghun is an Archaeologist. If you have any questions about historical background of the texts you can always rely on him to give you the right answer.” Junhee gestured to Donghun. Yuchan’s eyes travelled from him to his lover and rested on Donghun's face. The boy avoided looking into his eyes, but Donghun wanted so much to lock his gaze with him, to find the strange sparkling inside them instead of empy sadness one more time. But it seemed like Yuchan didn’t wish to reveal his secrets to him as he lowered his eyes on the ground.

“And he’s so much better than your father.” Jeonghwan laughed, patting Yuchan gently on the shoulder. Something similar to a smile crossed Yuchan’s lips. It looked tight and sad. Donghun was forced into the state of confusion by the dancing angel.

“You were the one who taught us.” Donghun was quick to disagree, trying to seem humble. Such compliment from Jeonghwan meant a lot. The man was one of the best archaeologists and historians in the country, if not in the region.

“I taught the others.” Jeonghwan emphasized, shaking his hand in disagreement.”There was nothing I could teach you. You two already knew everything I had to say. I just seemed to have more experience working on the field.” He dismissed the conversation and turned to Yuchan to give his son an assuring smile. Donghun and Junhee were starting to get a slight idea of what their former professor was trying to achieve and they felt thankful Jeonghwan saw someone he could trust with his son in them. The man must have hidden Yuchan's existence for a reason and Donghun and Junhee were dying to know what it was.

“Were you together back then?” Yeeun asked, sounding genuinely curious. Both Donghun and Junhee nodded in unison. Yuchan’s eyes turned back on them, cautious, but burning in hidden curiosity.

“Oh, they were.” Jeonghwan said, laughing. “But you wouldn’t know from the way they treated each other in the class. They were always at each other’s throats for the better answer.” Donghun laughed at the memory, turning to look at Junhee, who was grinning widely at the sudden reminder of their past, childish actions. They used to fight each other to give the best answer in class, but Junhee was always better than him when it came to words.

“Jeonghwan thought we were joking when he found out about us by accident.” Junhee said, wide grin still plastered on his face. Donghun caught pure interest on Yuchan’s face. The boy had forgotten he was supposed to hide his interest and keep his expression neutral. He smiled at the genuine sight. The dancing angel was endearing. The way he acted looked so genuine and childlike, but so mature and cautious at the same time. You had to try hard and look beyond the facade. Donghun had so many questions he wanted, he needed to ask. Yuchan noticed him staring and immediately turned his head to the side.

“I can’t imagine them being at each other’s throat at all.” Yeeun said. Jeonghwan gently patted her knee.

“I couldn’t imagine them being like this back then.” The older male told her and the topic of their university life died along with the sentence. Everyone seemed lost in their own world for quite some time, distant looks in their eyes. Yeeun was the one who broke it in the end.

“Channie, sweetheart, why don’t you play something for us?” She asked suddenly, attracting Donghun’s and Junhee’s attention immediately. Yuchan looked up at her with wide eyes. He resembled a lost, terrified deer in the headlights. As if his own mother had betrayed him behind his back.

“I.. I c..can’t.” Yuchan stuttered, almost inaudible, face pale.

“Oh, c’mon sweetheart. I’m sure the boys would like to hear you play.” Yeeun insisted, seemingly unaware of her son's distress. However it gave Junhee an expression that she was doing it on purpose. For what purpose, he wasn't sure. Donghun opened his mouth to say that Yuchan didn’t have to play against his will, but the boy obediently pushed himself up slowly on his feet and paddled to the piano, by the high window in the corner.

“He doesn’t have to. Really.” Donghun tried. He didn’t want Yuchan to feel uncomfortable, even though he was dying to listen to him play.

“It's alright. He used to love playing.” Yeeun told him in a quiet voice, giving him a reassuring smile. _He used to love playing. Past_. _Why?_ Donghun wanted to ask, but he remained silent, gaze fixed on Yuchan. He didn’t want the boy to be forced into doing something he no longer liked.

“He takes after both of you, I assume.” Junhee said just as Yuchan positioned himself on the high chair in front of the piano – back arched, beautiful fingers formed into the right shape. He felt mesmerized just by the sight.

“Not really.” Yeeun told him. “Channie has so many interests. He’s great at many things. I find it to be truly unfortunate he can't stay focused on them long enough.” Donghun, finally finding the right moment, opened his mouth to ask her one of the questions that had been bothering him for the entire time, but the first note that escaped the piano Yuchan had so gracefully seated himself against forced him into silence.

Donghun found breath slowly leaving him by the way Yuchan moved his fingers against the keyboard – gentle, effortless, graceful. Beautiful, but melancholic sounds started to fill the quiet house. His fingers unconsciously slipped into Junhee’s. He felt the other man shivering, felt goosebumps crawling on his own skin. Looking at Yuchan play the piano felt as captivating as watching him dance. The boy seemed so angelic in any ways he tried to observe him, but something seemed off. There was something missing. Something about the dancing angel playing a piano felt heartbreaking and Donghun wanted to know the cause.

_What had happened? What was missing? Why was he kept as a secret?_

Donghun knew angels were not supposed to seem this broken, this sad. But the one sitting in front of the piano, playing sorrowful melody for them felt like he was watching an angel who had been stripped of his wings play. It felt captivating, but sad. Breathtaking, but heartwrenching.

Donghun wondered if this was how angels wept – putting their sorrows in their gentle dancing and graceful playing. He found himself thinking that he didn’t want this angel to weep. He wanted this angel to dance and cry in happiness.

Junhee's hold on his fingers tightened and Donghun knew his lover was wishing the same.

They couldn’t wait to learn more about this angel.

Find the missing piece and put it back.

 

**Chapter Three**

 

Yuchan turned and tossed, stared at the ceiling, at the painted walls, curled into himself, hugged his pillow, hide himself under the blanket, but nothing could calm down his raging mind. It kept screaming at him, screaming things Yuchan was tired of hearing, his heart and mind could no longer take. He pressed his trembling hands against his ears, trying to tune out the silent madness screaming inside his head from the outside, but he knew it would be no help. This wasn’t the first time it was happening and it certainly wasn't the last.

He sat up abruptly, throwing the sheets aside before paddling to his messy desk in the corner to gather his notebook and ink pencils, something he had enjoyed doing so much in the past month. He hugged them against his chest as he bounded over to the window and hopped on the sill, leaning against the cool wall.

He closed his eyes for a second, hoping to gather his thoughts, but only got loud, screaming silence in return. He instantly blinked them open. _What had he expected._ He felt tired. He wanted to sleep, for days, for weeks, until it was all better again, until his mind felt it belonged him and not someone else.

He flipped through the notebook to find a clean sheet and took off the cap of his black ink. _What did he want to write?_

He decided to blindly trust his hands and found them slowly starting to curve letter D against the blank paper. He hoped his mind would cooperate, hoped it would bring him as much joy as it had for the past few weeks, but he felt nothing, only dread and fatigue. He was starting to no longer enjoy practicing calligraphy, curving different texts into different shapes. He felt the familar bitterness burning inside his chest.

His arms fell numbly on his sides, ink falling outside in the yard, while the notebook slipped on the floor inside, loud thud echoing in the silent night, violent and disturbing. He flinched, but didn’t bother to gather his belongings. He gently rested his head against the wall and let his thoughts eat him alive.

It was starting again and he couldn’t do anything to fight back, but wait until the night passed, wish it to be gone along with the darkness, as first rays of sunshine slipped inside his room from the widely opened windows and forced the shadows outside, brought him the slightest hope that the better day was starting to appear on the horizon and it would get better some day if he wouldn't give up.

Yuchan knew so many some days had come and gone. He knew so many of them would come and leave. He just hoped they would come faster and take longer to slip away from his desperate fingers. He wanted to have something he liked and enjoyed for more than a few weeks, few months. He wanted to have something he would enjoy doing permanently, something that wouldn’t become dreadful to him in a few weeks as everything before had become. He wanted to have something he could hold onto, something that could remind him what was real and what wasn’t, something that could show him he had survived for a reason, his life had a reason, he was living for a reason. There was a reason for everything that had happened to him, that would happen to him. He wanted to know that reason. He wanted to have a reason to carry on with his exhausting life.

Living like this, between the highest and the lowest peaks of the roller coaster was tiring and he was exhausted of trying. He felt strength slowly slipping out of his itching fingers. He wouldn’t be able to hold onto for so long.

He tried to force himself to think of something else, think of someone else other than his own self, to distract his agonizingly weeping mind, of gentle, warm smiles and curious, warm eyes gazing at him from the side. Having them directed to him felt so comforting and familiar. He tried to recall all the details he had managed to remember about them.

He wished the night would pass soon. He wanted to bathe under the sunshine, safe from the dark shadows roaming aimlessly inside his room and mind. Dancing at the dawn was something he tried so hard to never got tired of, tried hard to find so much joy and peacefulness inside it. Dancing made him feel free, made him feel like he could fly away, soar the sky, enjoy the space without having to fit inside the bars his mind had built around him. He loved dancing. Dancing under the morning sunshine never felt the same. It felt different each day. It was the only thing he could seek peacefulness in all the time, no matter if he was hanging from the highest or the lowest peak of the mountain.

 

**Chapter Four**

 

Donghun gazed at the wavering sea on the horizon lit by the moonlight as he laid on the swinging sofa with Junhee wrapped inside his embrace. The other male was reading a book out loud to him. It was important part of their nights. They had been doing this since the first month they had started dating. However today, no matter how much Donghun tried to concentrate on his lover’s voice, on the meaning of sentences that left Junhee’s mouth, his mind seemed to be unable to focus on them. It kept wondering around the certain boy, dancing under the glowing sun, walking inside the silent room, playing piano after dinner. There was something about the boy they needed to figure out. Yuchan seemed full of mysteries and Donghun’s soul was aching in desire of finding the dancing angel's secrets. He pulled Junhee closer and buried his face in his lover’s hair, inhaling his soothing fragrance. 

“What are you thinking?” Junhee asked as he closed the book and placed it on the ground. He shifted in between Donghun’s arms to look into the other male’s eyes, concerned and curious.

“I’m sorry, love. I didn’t mean to space out while you read.” He apologized, gazing down at his lover with apologetic eyes.

“It’s okay.” Junhee said as he gently rested his hand on Donghun’s cheek, rubbing circles on it with his thumb. Donghun smiled at the touch. “I couldn’t concentrate on it either.” He admitted, soft smile adorning his lips.

“Do you think they don’t love him?” Donghun asked a minute later. He didn’t need to specify who he meant. He was sure his lover’s mind was occupied by the same person as his own did.

“No, I don’t think this to be the case at all. I think they adore him so much.” Junhee answered, his gaze turning distant, as if he was recalling the memories of previous events in details.

“They have never mentioned him before.” Donghun said. The idea bothered him so much. Why would they wouldn’t want anyone to know about their son, when the boy was full of talent and sad smiles prettier than the stars. He just couldn’t find any reasonable explanation of it. He found himself feeling disappointing by the married couple, his perception of them distorting slightly.

“They must have a reason, Hun.” Junhee told him, pulling him out of his thoughts. “You know better than me that everything has its reasons and they might also have one.” Junhee repeated the words Donghun had said to him for so many times. He tugged the other's face closer to his.

“We are going to find the reason, right?” He murmured against Junhee’s lips. The other male nodded before connecting them together, sailing their promise. Just as Donghun pulled him closer, longing for his lips, body aching in desire, loud sounds of cursing and laughter disturbed the quiet night and forced them to pull apart. Junhee ignored his disappointment and slipped out of his arms to see what was happening outside.

Their best friend was sprawled on the ground, cursing, while someone on the other side of the fence was doubled in histerical laughter, disturbing the silent night.

“Sehyoon, are you alright?” The stranger's loud, breathless, voice cut through the night a minute later, laughter and concern mixed in his tone. Donghun got up to join his lover, curious.

“I’m fine, Kwan.” Sehyoon struggled to his feet, dusting himself off. “I will see you tomorrow.” Their best friend called for the other man, who bid him a goodnight before hurriedly running away from the gate of their house to the Kangs'.

“This must be Byeongkwan.” Junhee said, turning to look at Donghun, wide grin breaking out on his lips.

“What are you doing?” Donghun called out to Sehyoon, who was crossing the yard with noticeable bouncing of his feet. He looked like an excited child.

“Oh, you guys are still up.” Sehyoon stopped dead on his track, startled, before running toward the house.

“Did you climb the wall?” Junhee asked. He wondered if Sehyoon's loud cursing and Byeongkwan's obnoxious laughter hadn't managed to wake up their neighbours.

“Did you see?” Sehyoon, who had stopped just below the balcony, asked, embarrassed.

“Not really.” Junhee wished he did. He could have teased Sehyoon about his dramatic fall for months.

“The gate isn’t closed.” Donghun remarked, brow raised.

“Byeongkwan thought it would be fun.” Sehyoon said before disappearing inside the house.

Donghun and Junhee shared a look before sitting back down on the sofa, rocking back and forth slightly as they waited for their best friend to join them. It took Sehyoon a minute to bounce inside the balcony, all messy hair and toothy smiles. Donghun arched his brows at him, arms crossed in front of his chest. He reminded Junhee of an angry, disappointed parent.

“So, tell us about Byeongkwan.” Donghun pointed Sehyoon to the single rocking chair near the sofa with his chin and watched pleasantly as the other male flushed red, embarrassed.

For the next few seconds all they could hear was Junhee laughing, surprising the other two with his late reaction of imagining his best friend's fall on the ground. Donghun felt his heart swelling in warmth. He loved when Junhee laughed, carefree and wholehearted. It was a beautiful, healing sound.

He wondered if Junhee’s smile had already captivated the dancing angel’s heart.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> Here goes the new chapter.  
> I'm just going to warn you about my own take on the story of Icarus included somewhere in the middle of the chapter. It was inspired by so many different poems I used to read about Icarus a long time ago and I saw fit for it to be a part of this story.  
> Thank you so much for reading and leaving kudos and comments behind. They are greatly appreciated.  
> I didn't get to fix mistakes, so I apologize for them.  
> Hope you will enjoy reading this chapter.

 

**Chapter Five**

 

_The beginning of an angel's search for peacefulness._

 

“Hello?” Junhee called out as he walked past through the open gates of the Kangs' house. Everything around him seemed to be drowning in silence. Only the sounds of trickling stream and little, man-made waterfalls in the far corner of the yard disturbing the quiet. “Jeonghwan?” He tried again as he neared the house’s entrance. The doors were widely open, but it seemed to be deserted of any human presence. “Hello, is anyone home?” He called out before walking inside the house with careful steps. The doors of now familiar living room were left ajar. He peeked inside and found himself surprised by the sight. The dancing angel was lying on the couch upside down, legs hooked over the headrest, head hanging down. He had eyes closed, chest rising up and down slowly, in a very gentle manner. Junhee wasn’t sure how long he stood in the middle of the doorway, mesmerized by the sight of the boy’s peaceful appearance. He felt like time had stopped, everything froze in time except the boy’s slowly raising chest. The universe stood still to witness the beauty of a tranquil dancing angel.

Junhee was pulled out of his daze when Yuchan’s eyes blinked open and locked with his, gasping in surprise. A brief look of confusion and surprise crossed Yuchan's face. Junhee found himself unable to talk. It felt like an eternity passed before Yuchan spoke and broke the heavy silence pressing down on their shoulders, his face slowly turning neutral.

“Jeonghwan and Yeeun aren’t home.” Yuchan said instead of greeting. Junhee nodded as he walked further inside the living room.

“I was looking for you.” He told the boy and surprise took Yuchan’s face once again.

“For me?” He sounded confused. As if he was silently asking Junhee why would he be looking for him.

“For you.” Junhee nodded and showed the boy old notebooks he was grasping in his hands.

“What are these?” Yuchan rolled over on the couch and sat up straight, gaze fixed on the books in Junhee’s hands.

“My old notebooks.” Junhee said as he sat down on the couch across Yuchan and placed them on his lap. “I thought you might find some use for them.” He added when the boy didn’t say anything in return.

“Thank you.” Yuchan whispered few minutes later as his eyes travelled from the notebooks on Junhee’s lap to the older male’s face. For a while none of them said anything, gaze locked together, trying to read what the other was thinking.

Junhee noticed many things about the boy in this short moment. How he seemed so tired, how his eyes screamed deprivation of sleep, how his shoulders were slouched, face full of so many mixed emotions and nothing at all. Junhee finally had a chance to ask him questions, learn more about the boy, but he didn’t know how to ask, where to start from. Staring into Yuchan’s dull, tired eyes turned his mind into jumbled mess, made him unable to think of anything else except the boy's dark, lifeless gaze. They didn’t say anything, didn’t show anything, they were just blank, full of nothingness. Junhee wondered if Yuchan was really feeling nothing in this moment, or if he was feeling so much his eyes didn’t know which one to reflect.

“Don’t you hang out with the others?” Junhee found himself asking some time later. He wasn’t sure why his mind would want to ask the boy such question. Yuchan gave him a blank look and didn’t say anything in return. Junhee wondered if the boy understood his question. “There are people who seem to be around the same age as you playing volleyball on the beach.” He explained and waited for Yuchan’s response with held breath, hopeful. He was hoping for some kind of answer from the boy. Yuchan looked like he was struggling to process the information. Few minutes of silence later a quiet sigh left Yuchan’s lips. It felt heavy and hung in the air between them.

“I don’t.” He answered, soft and faint. Junhee felt sudden feeling of bitterness burning in his mouth. He wanted to ask for the reason, but he wasn’t sure if it was okay to ask. Junhee found himself doubting what was right to ask and what wasn’t when it came to the boy. The boy looked sad or maybe it was some kind of disappointment becoming evident on his face.  _Was Yuchan outcasted?_ The question crossed his mind and the possibility of Yuchan being left out and/or left behind didn’t settle well in his stomach. _How could someone leave him behind?_

“Do you want to hang out with Donghun and I?” He offered, hopeful. He silently wished for the boy to say yes. He didn’t like the idea of Yuchan spending his entire days all alone, abandoned from everyone and everything. He wanted to give him a company, understand the blankness behind his beautiful eyes.

“Wi.. Will it be alright?” Yuchan asked, pushing himself on the edge of his seat. Junhee found some kind of unfamiliar, strange emotion filling the blankness inside the boy's eyes, but Junhee couldn’t find the right word, he didn’t know the name of it. It wasn’t hopefulness, it wasn’t happiness, it wasn’t excitement. It was something like finding a chance where you didn’t expect it to be, stumbling upon it so unexpectedly, so suddenly.

“Of course.” Junhee reassured him, trying to not sound so gleeful by the boy’s answer. “You can hang out with us whenever you wish.” He added to give him a little push of courage.

“Thank you.” Yuchan murmured more to himself than Junhee to hear and got lost in his own universe. Junhee was slowly coming to learn that Yuchan had a habit of drifting in and out of his own world even in the middle of having a conversation with someone else. He silently observed him for a while, waited for him to come back to the present, but Yuchan seemed to be deeply lost in his own wonderland.

“Chan?” He called softly and Yuchan’s eyes immediately snapped to him, blinking in confusion. “Do you want to go with me?” He offered and it took Yuchan a few minutes to nod in agreement. Junhee got up and the boy did the same, walking up to him with cautious, careful steps. “Donghun is working on a paper right now. It’s a perfect time to annoy him.” Junhee told him and found himself captivated by the small smile that crossed the boy’s lips.

It looked lovely, but sad.  

 

*******

 

“Hun?” Junhee called for his boyfriend as he cracked the door of Donghun’s office room open. Yuchan was trailing one step behind his back. Junhee had to glance back from time to time to make sure the boy was following him. Yuchan made almost no sound while walking. “Hun?” He tried again as he stepped inside the empty room and let Yuchan inside.

“Up there, Jun.” Donghun’s voice came down from the storage room connected to his office. “I will be down in a minute.” Donghun called down to him and for a few seconds only sound of boxes being dragged around could be heard inside the room. Junhee turned to look at Yuchan, who was standing still a step away from the doorway.

“Make yourself comfortable, Chan.” He gave the boy gentle smile, trying to ease his tension. “Would you like to drink something?” He offered and Yuchan immediately shook his head in return. “I will make us some fresh juice then.” He said, ignoring the boy’s refusal. “You can nose around the office meanwhile. I’m sure you will find lot of interesting things in there.” Junhee gestured him toward the boxes laying here and there in the room, before disappearing outside of the office, leaving Yuchan alone to suit himself.

Yuchan felt awkward. He didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t sure what he had been thinking when he agreed to follow the man. He wanted to get to know more about his new neighbours, but he also knew it was beyond his abilities, especially when all his mind did was to scream inside his head and made him unable to concentrate on anything else, except its heartwrenching weeping. All he wanted to do in the moment was to seat in the corner and let his thoughts eat him alive, hoping that the agony would pass sooner if he didn’t try to fight it, if he let it burn his entire being. He just wanted it to end. He just wanted his mind to stop, stop screaming at him, at his mere existence.

He forced his legs to move and found them leading him towards the sculpture placed beside the window, half-way covered with black, silky material. It felt familiar. He had seen it somewhere before, probably inside one of his father’s books. He crouched down and slowly took off the remaining material away. It looked rough, destroyed by the time, covered in unhealed cracks. He gently run tips of his fingers over the surface, careful to not wound it further than time had already wounded it. 

“Jun, love, are you still there?” Donghun’s voice filled the silence startling Yuchan out of his daze. Yuchan immediately straightened up and when he turned around he locked his eyes with the familiar man who had emerged from the open door few meters away. Yuchan felt himself shake. He stood there, still, silent, like a deer caught in headlights, lost and scared. Donghun look surprised, taken aback but Yuchan's sudden appearance inside his office. They stood in stunned silence for some time before Donghun found his voice to speak.

“Ch.. Yuchan.” He started, confused. He wasn’t sure if he was seeing the boy for real or if he was hallucinating.

“He.. Hello.” Yuchan forced himself to say, stuttering, fists clenched tightly on his sides. He felt his nails digging inside his skin.

“What are you doing here?” Donghun asked, surprise still evident on his face. _What was he doing here?_   Yuchan didn’t know. He wasn’t sure why he was there. What he wanted from there. What he was hoping for. What he was looking for. _Why was Yuchan there?_

Yuchan silently wished for the ground to split into half and swallow him. He wanted to disappear. He wished for Junhee to come back and save him from finding the explanation of why he was inside Donghun’s office. He wasn’t sure why he was there and he was hoping Junhee would find the answer for him, for them.

Just as if his silent prayers had been heard by the gods, Junhee walked inside the room, wooden tray in his hands, gentle smile dancing on his lips. He instantly came to a halt, breaking into hearty laughter when he took notice of Donghun’s and Yuchan’s lost expressions and tensed shoulders.

“You two look like you are about to fight each other.” He remarked, acting like nothing about the situation was strange. Yuchan felt his face heating up and immediately hung his head low, hiding his reddening cheeks from the couple.

Junhee crossed the space between them and placed the tray on Donghun's office desk, leaning himself against it.

“I invited Chan to hang out with us.” Junhee explained, grasping the edges of the desk with his fingers, leaning forward, grinning widely. “Thought it would be nice to get to know each other more.”

“Huh?” Donghun was struggling to process what his lover was saying. Yuchan tried to sneak a peek of the man's expression. Donghun was still standing on the same spot, glancing between him and Junhee. “Oh.” He let out, information finally sinking in. “Oh, yes. I’m sorry.” A warm smile found its place on Donghun’s lips and directed it towards Yuchan, who was still frozen on his place. “Welcome Yuchan. It’s lovely to have you there.” He offered kindly. Yuchan murmured a small thank you in return, face heating up once again. His already chaotic mind turning into a complete mess, but it was muffling an agonizing sound of its screaming mind inside his head. He felt his senses slowly slipping inside him.

“Find yourself a comfortable seat, Chan.” Junhee gestured him to the couch and the arm chairs inside the room. Yuchan nodded before hurriedly walking over to the couch and slumping against it. Junhee brought him a plate of chocolate cookies and a glass of fresh juice, rewarding him with a beautiful smile in the process.

Yuchan liked his smile.

Junhee had a beautiful smile - the kind that would make you feel happy for no reason. Yuchan felt butterflies slowly coming to life in his stomach.

“Is there anything in particular you want to do, Chan?” Junhee asked him, flopping himself in the armchair a step away from the couch, curling up and hugging himself. Yuchan shook his head in return. He didn’t want to do anything. He felt like doing nothing except sitting and letting time to quietly pass. He couldn’t find joy in anything in the current moment. He found himself worrying about Junhee and Donghun finding him boring and uninteresting. He was worried Junhee would regret inviting him to hang out with him and his lover, but he also couldn’t force himself to do something. He felt exhausted.

“Do you happen to have any interests in mythology, Yuchan?” Donghun asked as he opened the high, wide windows and put the curtains down, leaving the room dimly lit and soothingly comfortable.

“I did.” Yuchan answered. He used to love mythology when he was younger. He loved remaking his own stories of different gods and goddesses and mystical creatures. “I used to love The Flight of Icarus.”

“Did you?” Donghun sounded pleased with his answer. “The subject of my current paper is mythology. You should lend me some of your thoughts and ideas.” Donghun encouraged, trying to look for a reason behind Yuchan’s love for the tragic ending of Icarus' flight.

“I don’t think they should be taken in consideration.” Yuchan murmured, fiddling with his fingers. His ideas used to be just childish, wishful thinkings made out of his own loneliness. He didn’t want to be laughed at by Donghun and Junhee because of his ideas.

“You should hear Donghun’s own ideas if you think yours aren’t sound enough.” Junhee giggled, shooting his lover a teasing grin.

“Now, now, Jun dear, what we discuss behind the closed doors shouldn’t reach the outside.” Donghun shook his finger at him, playful smile dancing on his lips. Yuchan found himself curious.

“He once shared one of his own views with your father. I was convinced he was going to fail his class, but Jeonghwan gave him an A. Insane.” Junhee told him, wide grin plastered on his face. Yuchan wanted to ask what kind of ideas Donghun had, but it seemed to be a private subject shared between the lovers and he wasn’t sure if it was alright to ask.

“That’s because he didn’t have to grade my views on mythology, but my knowledge of ancient architecture.” Donghun laughed as he made himself comfortable on the carpeted floor, old, worn out notebook placed on his lap.

“Joking aside. I love listening to his interpretations.” Junhee rested his chin on top of his knees, gazing at both Donghun and Yuchan thought his eyelashes, soft smile resting on his lips.

“Do you want to hear one, Yuchan?” Donghun offered and Yuchan instinctively set up straight in his seat, giving the man silent sign that he was ready to listen whatever he had to share.

“Tell us the one about Icarus. I think Chan will love it.” Junhee winked at Yuchan and grinned at the sudden redness of the boy’s cheeks. Yuchan was slowly learning small habits of them. Junhee was playful. He made things seem less awkward. Yuchan was starting to enjoy his presence. His mind seemed less loud when Junhee's voice was filling the silence. Donghun. He didn’t understand much about Donghun. The man’s face didn’t tell much about him. He needed some time to figure him out. “Make yourself comfortable, Chan.” Junhee urged, gesturing him to curl up comfortably on the couch and Yuchan did, hugged himself like Junhee and gazed at Donghun leaning against his desk on the floor, getting ready to start his own story of Icarus’ tragic end.

“This is where Icarus fakes his death in order to find his happily ever after with his lovers.” Donghun started, voice low and gentle, just right for the story to be told, the kind that would make you fall deep inside the story and would bring out goose bumps on your arms. Yuchan forced himself to concentrate, finding himself curious of the story. He had never heard of such take on The Flight of Icarus before and the way Donghun’s voice echoed inside the quiet room sent chills down his spine. He was listening with his entire being.

“Both gods fall in love with him at the same time when his cheerful laughter attracts their attention and catches their curious eyes. The sun turns to look at the boy soaring freely high in the sky. The ocean turns his eyes up, ready to catch the boy in his arms if he is to fall from the sky. 

He is beautiful – dusty golden curls, eyes as wide as the full moon, smile mischievous, moving gracefully between the ocean and the sky. He is gorgeous.

The boy falls in love with them by each flutter of his feathery, glowing wings, fascinated by the powers of the two great gods, drifting from the ocean to the sky and back, trying to win their hearts with his effortless flying.

The true tragedy of their story is that Icarus can’t have them and the gods can’t have him as Icarus has been warned before he had soared the sky by his father that he shouldn’t fly too close to the ocean, because the dampness of it could clog his feathers and he shouldn’t fly too close to the sky, because the sun could melt the wax, his father had pieced the wings together from, causing him to fall against the ocean’s awaiting arms. He loves ocean, but he doesn’t want to be only ocean’s. He wants to be theirs. He wants to be the sun’s and he wants to be the waves’. He wants to be with them together. He doesn’t want to be separated.

As the time goes by they get desperate for each other, wishing and desiring one another. Icarus’ cheerful laughter starts to slowly fade away, glinting of his beautiful eyes starts to die down, sorrow slowly starts to replace happiness inside the heart of their lover. And as the time goes by the two gods desire to have him, to be with him, to be with each other grows stronger, ocean’s calm waves start to change into frustrated rage, while the sun’s beautiful warm glow starts to burn.

“I know a place.” Poseidon whispers one morning, saddened by the sorrowful appearance of his lovers. “Just fly high towards the sun, Icarus.”

“I can’t love.” Icarus whispers back, afraid of his father hearing their silent exchanges during the flight.

“You can, love. Fly high before your father isn’t near. We will meet you someplace after.” He encourages, urging the boy to fly closer to the sky with his high, raging waves.

“Come closer, love.” Apollo beckons him, arms wide open to welcome his lover. “Trust us, love.”

And Icarus does. He trusts them. He flies higher and higher, draws closer to the sky, until all he feels is Apollo’s burning touches caressing his bare skin. He flies as close to the sky as his lover lets him before his fragile feathers tatter around one by one, causing him to fall back into his another lover’s awaiting arms. The fall scares him, makes him doubt if what he is doing is right, if there truly is someplace they can have each other, find their happily ever after.

“Come to me, love.” He hears Poseidon whisper before the raging waves of his lover’s swallow him, engulf him in his arms. He lets himself be soothed by the ocean’s gentle touches, trusts him to search for the promised someplace they could have each other. And he does. He trusts the gods, willing to spend eternity with them, hidden away in their own safe someplace.

He finds himself crawling on the shore, soaked in water, reddened by the burning touches of the sun.

 He hears hushed whispers and gentle laughter before he sees his lovers.

“Icarus love.” Apollo calls for him.

“They won’t find us here.” Poseidon promises.

Icarus knows this is the beginning of their happily ever after.“

As the last words left Donghun’s mouth and lingered inside the silent room, Yuchan found himself being lulled into a peaceful slumber, Hypnos’ gentle arms caressing his heated cheeks, carrying him deep into his own dreamland, heaviness of his body slowly starting to disappear. He felt exhaustion finally taking over him, his mind no longer screaming in agony inside his head.

All was quiet and peaceful and Yuchan let himself be swept inside his own dreamland by Hypnos' quiet humming, dreaming of Icarus finding his own happily ever after.

 

*******

 

Yuchan wasn’t sure how long he had slept, how Donghun’s gentle voice and Junhee’s warm smile had managed to calm his screaming mind and soothe his aching body and heart, but when he slowly came back to consciousness he heard gentle voices whispering around him, filling the comfortable silence. It took him some time to realize they weren’t coming from inside his head. The voices belonged to Donghun and Junhee. Compared to the heartwrenching cries of his own mind, they were soft and soothing and as he tried to concentrate on them he found himself being comforted by the tenderness of their voices. His mind struggled against him for a few minutes before giving up and letting Yuchan be lulled back to a peaceful slumber by the gentleness of the hushed voices around him.

 

*******

 

“Shouldn't we wake Yuchan up? It’s almost dinner time.” Donghun asked as he helped Junhee around the kitchen, preparing dishes for dinner. The boy had been sleeping inside his office for quite some hours now and none of them had a heart to wake him up. He seemed like he needed to get as much sleep as possible. He looked so peaceful and relaxed, like the times Donghun and Junhee had seen him dancing under the beautiful glow of morning sun.

“Maybe in a few minutes.” Junhee stopped humming to himself and turned to look at him. “He can use some sleep.”

“Do you think it’s insomnia he is fighting?” Donghun pulled out the chair and sat down, leaning heavily against it, arms dangling loosely on his sides.

“He could be fighting a lot of things we don’t know about, Hun.” Junhee smiled at him, as gentle and lovely as ever as he walked over to him and wrapped his arms around Donghun’s slumped shoulders, resting his chin on top of Donghun’s head. “But that doesn’t mean we will never know. You are being unreasonably impatient.”

“It’s just.. I don’t know. He seems so lonely, Jun.” A sigh escaped his lips as he peered up at his lover.

“He is lonely.” Junhee hummed in agreement. “He seems to be lacking company of a friend. That’s why I have offered ours.”

“I love you.” Donghun whispered and placed a feathery kiss under Junhee’s chin, causing his lover’s smile to widen.

“So suddenly?” Junhee laughed as he released Donghun from his embrace, straightening up. Donghun glared at him, playful. He didn’t need Junhee to tell him he loved him. He could read it inside his lover’s eyes, but he loved it when Junhee confessed his love to him and he loved confessing to Junhee in return. Junhee leaned down to place a quick peck on his lips. “I love you too, Hun.” He said before turning back to preparing dishes, accusing Donghun of distracted him once in a while.

Few minutes later they heard histerical laughter from the yard. They could distinguish their best friend’s voice. The other one sounded unfamiliar. Donghun poked his head outside the window to hush the loud men, but the sight left him unable to speak in surprise. Their best friend, Sehyoon, was carrying someone on his back, all giggles and smiles.

“Jun, come here.” He beckoned Junhee to join him, who appeared by his side immediately.

“Yah, Kim Sehyoon.” Junhee called out, waving a knife from side to side in disapproval. The two men immediately snapped their heads to their direction, startled. Sehyoon broke into a wide grin when his eyes landed on the couple leaning outside of the kitchen window. He rebalanced the other man on his back with one hand before waving at them with other. “Keep it down.” Junhee made a hand motion of hushing before walking back to the kitchen counter. Donghun laughed at him and gestured stunned Sehyoon to join them inside the kitchen. Which their best friend did immediately, dragged the flustered man inside, grinning widely. This was a rare sight. Sehyoon was never this outgoing, this bright. Donghun wondered if his best friend was competing to outshine the sun with his bright smile.

“Hi.” Sehyoon greeted, slightly sheepish, grasping the other man’s fingers tightly in his hand.

“Hey, Yoon and…” Junhee greeted back, trailing off midway, eyes curiously observing the man standing beside his best friend.

“Oh. This is Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon gestured to the man, whose cheeks immediately tinted in red. “These are my friends, Junhee and Donghun.” Sehyoon gestured the man to them one by one. Junhee gave Byeongkwan a wide smile, while Donghun reached out to shake his hand. Sehyoon had to release Byeongkwan’s hand and Donghun caught disappointment flashing across his best friend’s face. He had to hold in a hearty laugh.

“Nice to meet you. You can call me Jason or Byeongkwan. Both are okay.” Byeongkwan said and both Donghun and Junhee nodded in return. They had already managed to interrogate Sehyoon and found out that Byeongkwan and Jason were the same person and Jason was just the man’s stage name he used in the field of dancing and choreographing.

“Likewise.” Donghun said and gestured them to have a seat. “Would you like something to drink before dinner?” He offered and Byeongkwan nodded immediately.

“A glass of cold water would be nice.”

 

*******

 

Yuchan came back to consciousness by the sound of hearty laughter reaching inside the quiet room that was still dimly lit, casting a warm, comfortable glow on his surroundings. He liked this place. It made voices inside his head quiet. It offered him a shelter, brought him desired sleep. Yuchan felt like he could sleep forever inside this room, Donghun and Junhee telling him stories, lulling him in a peaceful slumber he hadn’t had in ages.

He sat up slowly, blanket slipping off of his chest to his lap. It felt warm against his exposed skin. He glanced at the comfortable pillow that had been lying under his head for hours and found himself wondering if it belonged either Donghun or Junhee. His mind wondered back to the story of Icarus Donghun had told him and Junhee. He wondered about the someplace Icarus had found with Poseidon and Apollo and he found himself wondering if this room, this peaceful, quiet, comforting room could be called his own someplace. A place where he could run away from his thoughts, hide away from the agony of dealing with them for so long, find peacefulness inside it while hiding himself from the universe, hidden away for eternity. He wondered if Donghun and Junhee would let him stay inside this room for the rest of his life, full of their presence, full of their hushed, soothing whispers and gentle smiles. He wondered if Donghun and Junhee would let him stay inside this room whenever his existence felt so unbearable to him, whenever he had no escape from his own mind left. He wondered if they would let him seek shelter inside this room, if they would keep him company while his worn out soul fought against his raging mind. He wondered about a lot of things, wishing he had enough courage, enough strength, enough will to turn his wonders into reality. 

He roamed around the room, aimlessly, wishing he didn’t have to leave it, lost in thoughts, distinct sound of laughter accompanying him as a background music. He wasn't sure how long he walked around the same trace, how many times he run his fingers against the furniture filling the room. He had lost track of time since the moment he had put his foot inside the room, letting comfortableness of it swallow his entire being.

The quiet sound of door handles creaking distracted him out of his own wonderland, caused him to turn his gaze from the sculpture he had been drown to when Junhee had left him alone inside Donghun’s office.

It was Junhee.

The man broke into a warm smile when his gaze landed on Yuchan standing near the window.

“Oh, you are awake.” Junhee whispered and Yuchan nodded. _He was finally awake._ This room made him feel awake, made him feel alive, made him feel peaceful and quiet, made him feel safe from his own mind. “I came to call you for dinner.” Junhee beckoned him to come closer with his hand, opening the door widely. Yuchan joined him and followed the other man outside the room silently. He felt quiet slowly slipping out of his desperate fingers. He wanted to ask Junhee if they could go back inside the room, stay inside until the end of the times. But he didn't. He couldn't. This place wasn't his to have. “Our best friend, Sehyoon and your cousin, Byeongkwan are there. I hope it’s alright.” Junhee warned him ahead as they carefully walked down the staircase.

“I.. It’s.. It’s okay.” Yuchan whispered and let himself be comforted by the warmness and beauty of Junhee’s smile.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> It's been awhile. I'm so sorry for not updating in weeks. I hate to keep you guys waiting, but I couldn't do it any faster.  
> This turned out a little different from what I had planned for this story before, but let's see where this goes. Things do tend to sound better and different in our heads.  
> Thank you so much for taking your time to read this story.  
> I apologize for all the mistakes in advance.  
> Hope you will enjoy reading this chapter.  
> Oh, and there's no such flower called Renascentia (or maybe there is and I just have no knowledge of it). I just made it up for the sake of the story.  
> Take care.

 

**Chapter Six**

 

_An angel is a little broken._

 

Neither Donghun or Junhee met Yuchan face to face for the next few days. They did caught him dancing on the lonely jetty extending out to the sea each morning, looking as ethereal and angelic as ever. They would sometimes caught the sight of him lying in the hammock of his own yard from their balcony, head and legs dangling out of it, seeming numb and strengthless. Sometimes Junhee would open his mouth to call the younger male and catch his attention, but he would eventually decide against it. He didn’t want to force Yuchan out of his comfort zone, out of his shell, even though he was sure this was what Yuchan needed. He thought Yuchan needed someone to drag him out of the void he had fallen somewhere on the path of his life, but he also wanted Yuchan to come to them on his own terms, decide that he needed to get out of his own world, his own head and let himself be discovered. He didn’t want to force their presence on the boy. He wanted Yuchan to think that he needed their presence. And somehow, he was sure Yuchan would come, soon or later, he would come seeking comfort of Junhee’s and Donghun’s company. He wasn’t sure why he so firmly believed so, especially when the boy had done nothing, but kept his distance with them, but he had this strange feeling bubbling up inside his chest, telling him that Yuchan would try to look for them on his own, if given the time. Junhee was one of those people who believed that things once lost somewhere in time were always found with time. And he thought that maybe it was time for Yuchan to be found. He was sure the boy had lost himself somewhere along the thorned road of life and was waiting for the moment someone would find him, see him how he was – quiet, absent, exhausted, but graceful, mysterious and utterly lovely.

Both, Junhee and Donghun would wake up early at dawn each new day, curled up close to each other on the comfortable sofa of their balcony and watch Yuchan dance on the high jetty surrounded by calm waves of the sea, across their newly found home, in tranquility, in standing still silence. The sight of dancing angel glowing under the morning sun never failed to fully captivate their hearts and minds. 

It didn't took them long to fall in love with this time of the day. They had slowly come to believe that this was the most beautiful moment an entire day could offer – quiet morning, warm summer sun, calm sea, glowing dancing angel, them and comfortable silence.

They both wondered a lot about how Yuchan never got tired of dancing, every day, at the same exact time, at the same exact place. Why did Yuchan dance? What did his dancing signify? What had made him want to dance? They wondered a lot. They asked each other such questions a lot, but none of them could find an answer, an answer only Yuchan could give. Yuchan, who seemed to be wishing to keep his mysteries only to himself, safely hidden away from the curiosity of world.

Donghun and Junhee promised themselves, every time Yuchan leaped into the sea as a sign of finishing his dance and disappeared for the remaining day, that they would find all the mysteries Yuchan carried. This is what they were living for – finding, exploring and understanding forgotten, lost mysteries of the universe.

 

**Chapter Seven**

 

“Good afternoon, Jun.” Byeongkwan, whose presence had become huge part of their daily lives in the past few days, called out as he walked through the gates of their house. Junhee was out in the garden, busy tending one of the rarest kinds of flowers he had come across recently. Donghun liked them a lot – said they reminded him of a certain someone, so Junhee put extra care in looking after them. They also reminded him of a certain boy and he was sure they both were thinking about the same person. 

“Byeongkwan, hello.” Junhee straightened up from his crouching position and waved the other closer. “Sehyoon went with Donghun in the market.” He informed as Byeongkwan seated himself on the ground against a thin tree trunk.

“Preparing for the expected storm?” Byeongkwan asked as he leaned forward to closely examine the flowers Junhee was tending.

“Jeonghwan warned us that we are expecting the strongest storm in the past three years. He advised to stock up on the necessities in case something happened. I heard, the roads were blocked for a few days because of the storm three years ago and the village was short on supplies.” He explained and put the small trowel aside. Byeongkwan nodded. He remembered that day. He was here back then too. But that day had been engraved in his mind for completely different reason. Nobody really remembered the storm was happening back then. They all had only one goal in mind that day. _Save the boy._

“I think that day was the worst this village has ever witnessed.” He murmured to himself, memories slowly flashing through his mind. Indeed it was the worst day. He could still remember how sick and terrified he had felt as he had watched his father and Jeonghwan drag a motionless body outside of the furious sea in the earliest hours of the day.

“Was it really that bad?” Junhee asked as he poured some strange looking liquid on the plants.

“It was that bad.” Byeongkwan emphasized, while trying to push the gruesome memories away. He didn’t want to think about it anymore. They had kept him awake at night for long enough. It happened in the past and it had to stay in the past. “This one is really familiar.” He pointed at one of the flowers Junhee was fussing over. The other male glanced at him to see which plant in particular he was pointing at before turning his attention back to the flowers.

“They are called Renascentia.” Junhee explained. “I don’t know much about them yet, but they are beautiful, aren’t they?” Junhee stood up slowly, hands placed on his hips as he examined his own work with furrowed brows.

“They are.” Byeongkwan agreed, trying to recall where he had seen it.

“Their flower only lives for three days before dying and blooming again. Truly spectacular.” Junhee leaned down to gently stroke beautiful, fragile petals of the flower. Byeongkwan’s eyes intensely followed every move of the other man’s fingers. He could remember where he had seen them before. In Yuchan’s room.

“I think Chan has them too.” He told the other, grabbing Junhee's attention immediately.

“Does he?” Junhee questioned, sounding surprised, before gathering his gardening tools one by one.

“I think so.” Byeongkwan nodded. He was sure this was the same exact flower he had found his cousin to be staring at for hours in his own room, oblivious of everyone and everything around him, lost in his own wonderland.

Junhee wondered to himself how Yuchan had this very rare kind of flower, if the boy had secretly snuck inside their garden and stolen one. He would have to ask Yuchan to know. Yuchan, who he hadn't really met in days.

“How is he?” He asked, gesturing Byeongkwan to follow him inside the house.

“He is well.” Byeongkwan was quick to answer, but Junhee heard something strange behind the other male’s calm voice. Byeongkwan sounded unsure of his answer.

“Is he?” Junhee didn’t want to sound skeptical, but the other didn’t sound very convincing.

“He is as well as he can be.” Byeongkwan muttered. He looked uncomfortable. Junhee found himself having many questions to ask.

“What do you mean as well as he ca..” He started, but the sight of two familiar figures strolling inside the yard caused him to trail off mid-sentence. Donghun and Sehyoon were carrying two huge boxes in their arms, laughing over something.

“Hello there, lovelies.” Donghun called out, giving them a gentle smile in the process, as they drew closer.

“Hello.” Junhee put the tools he was holding aside, reaching out to help his lover with the heavy looking box.

“Hi.” Byeongkwan grinned at Sehyoon, sprinting up at him and putting one arm under the box the other man was carrying in an attempt to land him some help. His actions made Sehyoon laugh.

“Hey.” Sehyoon leaned in and stole a quick kiss from the other's lips, both of their cheeks dusting in pink in slight embarrassment. “I got you an ice-cream you wanted.” He informed the other with self-satisfied grin.

“Did you?” Byeongkwan clasped his hands in excitement, trying to get a look of what was inside the box.

“Yeah. Let’s hope it survived.” Sehyoon tried to pull it away from the other male's curious eyes. Byeongkwan made some kind of childish gesture to feign annoyance before both of them bursted out into loud fit of giggles.

“There’s one more box in the car. Jun, can you get it?” Donghun asked his lover as he placed the box he was carrying on the kitchen table. Junhee nodded before quickly disappearing outside of the kitchen.

The sky was starting to slowly darken, gloomy clouds appearing here and there on the horizon. Junhee liked storms. They held some kind of significance for him. They weren’t just drastic changes of weather. He liked to think that the storm was the world's way of mourning someone dear it had lost. It was the world’s way of showing its sadness, its loneliness, its anger of losing someone it should have looked after. And Junhee would usually wonder who it was losing, was the world about to lose someone on the exact same place storm was going to wreck? Was storm happening at the exact same place the world had once lost someone? Frustrated it couldn’t save them, angry at how humans’ were blind and ignorant of each other's struggles, how they couldn't save one another even when they had a chance. They usually realized it all too late, when someone very special to them was gone and never coming back and the world was left furious, mourning loss of someone it shouldn’t have lost.

He felt someone’s burning gaze on his back as he rounded the car to retrieve the remaining box. He had an idea of who the owner of such curious, but cautious gaze was and even though he couldn’t see them when he straightened up and smacked the car door close with his hip, he was sure there was a certain someone hiding behind the hurriedly closed doors of the kang’s main entrance.

“Hello, Chan.” He called out. Yuchan didn’t show his face, but Junhee was sure the boy heard him. He hesitated for about a minute, to see if the younger male could find some kind of courage and step outside, but nothing happened, so he stepped inside and let the world weep over the loss of something or someone.

 

*******

 

Byeongkwan rolled himself on top of the other male, burying his face in the crook of the other’s neck.

“Are you alright?” Sehyoon murmured in his ear as he placed his palms on the other’s lower waist, keeping him safe from rolling onto the side.

“Hmm.” Byeongkwan hummed in agreement. “Can I stay over the night?” He asked a few seconds later, causing Sehyoon to chuckle.

“I was already convinced that you were going to stay.” Sehyoon run a gentle hand up and down on the other’s back in attemps of easing whatever was troubling the other. “Are you scared?” He murmured a minute later. Byeongkwan raised his head a little to look at his face.

“Of what?” He questioned.

“Of the storm.” Sehyoon told him and Byeongkwan hid his face in between the other male’s neck and shoulder once more.

“No.” He mumbled. He wasn’t scared of the storm. He was terrified of the memories it awakened. “I just have bad memories of it.” He confessed a few minutes later, heavy sigh leaving his lips. He couldn’t tell Sehyoon details, it wasn’t his place to tell someone else’s stories, but maybe sharing bits of it would make him feel better.

“What is it?” Sehyoon inquired. He sounded concerned, his comforting hands still rubbing soothing circles on Byeongkwan’s back, lulling him in comfortable calmness.

“The last time I was here during a very strong storm something very bad happened.” Byeongkwan still remembered everything in the smallest of details. He couldn’t get the sight out of his mind for months. It took him so much strength to come back to the village, to look at the boy he used to be so close to in the same light as he had always had, only to realize that nothing and no one in this place was the same. That day had changed everything for every single person who had witnessed a gruesome scene.

“What happened?” Sehyoon asked again, genuinely curious. Byeongkwan tried hard to gather his thoughts.

“Some.. Someone tried to.. Someone tried to take their life.” He managed and pressed his face close against Sehyoon’s neck. The other male held him tighter in response.

“Did they..” Sehyoon started, but trailed off. He didn’t want to upset the smaller male more than he already was.

“No.” Byeongkwan whispered, quiet, almost inaudible. “No. They didn’t.”

“Were are they now?” Sehyoon questioned again, cautious.

“Here.” Byeongkwan murmured. Tears were starting to slowly gather in the corncer of his eyes but he forced them back. He couldn’t cry. “But there is nothing of them left anymore.” He whispered and the words hung high in the air above them. Sehyoon didn’t say anything. He kept rubbing soothing circles on the other’s back, hoping what he was doing was enough to comfort Byeongkwan.

Angry roar of thunder ripped the comfortable quiet surrounding them apart, startled them out of their own thoughts. Their eyes met. Byeongkwan did look terrified, eyes wide and face pale.

“It will pass soon.” Sehyoon reassured as he rolled the other off of him and sat up. “I will turn on some music.”

 

*******

 

Donghun and Junhee sat curled up in each other’s embrace on the comfortable sofa of their balcony, rocking back and forth gently as they watched the dark clouds slowly swallow the clear, blue sky. It was mesmerizing to witness how fast, how drastically everything changed, how even smallest of change affected the world around them, changed the entire atmosphere. It also felt kind of terrifying. Beautiful and terrifying. The world was brutal, but beautiful in its nature.

“Byeongkwan said that Chan also has Renascentias.” Junhee whispered, eyes still glued on the changing sky.

“Does he?” Donghun questioned, brows raising upwards. “How come I never noticed them in Yeeun’s garden?”

“Because she doesn’t have them.” Junhee told him, tearing his eyes off of the sky and turning to his lover. Donghun’s gaze was fixed on the Kang’s silent house.

“Are you saying that..” Donghun started, but trailed off. He understood perfectly what Junhee was implying. “Do you think he wants to spend time with us, but something is holding him back?”

“Yes. I think he does.” Junhee hummed in agreement, nodding along. “What could be holding him back, Hun?”

“I wish I had an answer, Jun.” Donghun took his hand in his, laced their fingers together and placed them on his lap. “I don't understand how such an young boy can have so much mysteries.”

“Why has no one ever mentioned him before?” Junhee whispered as he leaned his head on his lover’s shoulder and turned his gaze back on the now completely gone blue sky. It was covered in dark, angry clouds. The storm was about to start.

“I feel like we are about to find out.” Donghun murmured against the other’s hair before placing a gentle kiss on top of Junhee’s head.  

The first groan of thunder announced arrival of the long expected storm, accompanied by strong gush of wind.

Junhee wondered who was the world losing right now, for whom was he weeping so hard for, who had made it furious.

Maybe one day he would know.

Maybe one day he and Donghun would somehow, somewhere, at some unexpected time would discover the answer.

All they could do right now was to sit and watch the world tear itself apart – heartbroken and furious.

 

**Chapter Eight**

 

Yuchan sat in front of the closed windows, watching the world go mad outside of them. The storm grew stronger by each passing minute, sound of tree branches being torn apart grew louder and so did his mind, putting him through as much agony as the world outside of his windows was putting itself into, mourning loss of someone or something. Or maybe it was just trying to remind him of the day he had very bravely tried to take his own life. Yuchan remembered the exact date. He could never forget. It had been the same number of the same month, exactly three years ago, the storm was willing to destroy everything with its ferocity back then too, angry roars of thunder accompanying him as a farewell melody as he climbed up the cement jetty and let himself be stolen away with livid, deadly waves of the sea. He still wasn't sure how he had survived. How it was possible for him to survive. He remembered nothing from the moment he had thrown himself inside the water.

Yuchan felt as if he was going through the exact same thing all over again. His memories of the day felt so real, so close, as if dark shadows outside of his windows were trying to reach through them and drag Yuchan outside in the madness the world was making out of itself, guide him back on the lonely jetty and give him a light push to hurl himself inside the welcoming arms of the furious sea.

The thought made him sick, terrified him, caused his body to go through continuous waves of tremor.

It was happening all over again. Yuchan was doing nothing. He was just sitting in front of his bedroom’s windows, but everything that had happened three years ago was repeating itself, inside his head one particular scene kept playing itself out repeatedly, again and again, on and on. _Climb, don’t look back, jump. Climb, don’t look back, jump._

He felt terrified, of himself, of his memories, of his mind.

He could hear the universe calling him, _“Come Yuchan. Jump. Eternal peacefulness is waiting for you. Just take a little step forward.”_

Yuchan pressed palms of his hands against his ears, trying to muffle out the noise, but it was coming from inside him and he could do nothing to stop it. The thunder went off violently somewhere in the distance and he found himself screaming in agony, at nothing, but his own self.

He couldn’t take it anymore.

It was too much.

There was so much he could bear, he could contain in his exhausted being.

He wanted to find his promised peacefulness, something he had once very bravely tried to look for, but had been torn away from it.

He didn’t know who he were to blame for his pain – himself, the two men who had dragged his body out of the livid sea or the world.

Maybe no one was to blame.

Maybe there was no eternal peacefulness.

Maybe all there was chaos.

Maybe all Yuchan had to do was to get used to it.

Maybe all he had to do was to make quiet out of the chaos filling the world around him.

Maybe he had been looking at the wrong direction all along.

Maybe hiding wasn’t the answer he needed. No matter how hard he tried to hide the world still found a way to reach him, to put him through so much suffering.

Maybe all he needed to do was to let himself be found.

Maybe all he needed to do was to fill the unbearable silence inside him with chaos, with all the madness world was offering.

Maybe this was all he had to do to tune out the deafening silence inside his head, drown out the agonising whispers that echoed so loudly inside him.

Maybe all he had to do was to stop running and take a step back.

Maybe the answer wasn’t in climbing onto the cement jetty and hurling himself against the angry waves, but climbing down and letting the world have its way with him.

Maybe all he had to do was to stop resisting, let himself rest and wait for the world do its work silently.

Yuchan wished he had an answer instead of so many what ifs and maybes. He wished he had someone to ask, someone who could offer him help, someone who could understand him without asking him questions he himself didn't have answers to.

_Someone to ask. Someone to help him. Someone to understand him wordlessly._

Perhaps he did have someone.

Perhaps he wasn’t as alone as he had thought.

Perhaps he had been trying so hard to not look in that direction.

Yuchan needed to run away from this room, from his thoughts, from the memories of that day hunting him and he did. It took him seconds to get up hastily and scramble out of the door. The same way he had once done. But this time for a completely different reason. 

He run with all the might inside his terrified, shuddering body, running through the furious storm to reach the place that shone like a safe haven to him, a place he could find shelter in, to find someone who could silence the agonized weeping inside his head. 

 

**Chapter Nine**

 

Someone banging on the door with so much desperation and strength startled Sehyoon out of his peaceful slumber. His first instinct was to glance at the tightly shut windows. The world was still going mad outside of them. The storm was only becoming more forceful. _Who on the earth would come in such conditions?_ He carefully slipped out of the bed as the banging continued, trying not to wake up a peacefully sleeping man next to him. As he was about to walk outside of the bedroom tired, coarse voice stopped him.

"Where are you going?" Byeongkwan was looking at him with half lidded eyes, covered in blankets up to his nose. Sehyoon opened his mouth to answer, but loud sound of banging echoed in the entire house and answered Byeongkwan instead of him.

"I will be quick. Go back to sleep." He told the other male who muttered _be careful_ in return before covering his entire self under the blanket and drifting back to sleep. Sehyoon flew down the stairs and to the door. He didn't bother asking who the uninvited intruder was and tore it open, coming face to face with terrified, completely drenched in water Yuchan. 

"Yuchan."It took him a few seconds to find his voice."What are you doing here?" He asked and dragged the boy inside, ignoring a violent flinch his touch caused.

"Is.. Are.. Are Do.. Donghun and Junhee ho.. home?" The boy stuttered out, teeth chattering, shivering from the cold or maybe it wasn't because of the cold. Sehyoon didn't know.

"My god. You are freezing." Sehyoon muttered as he firmly slammed the door close behind Yuchan’s back and turned to the boy. "Are you alright?"

Yuchan nodded a second later and forced himself to open his mouth to say something, but the sight of Donghun coming down on the stairs in hurried steps caught his attention. Sehyoon didn’t miss a strange sparkle of hopefulness that flashed across Yuchan’s eyes. _What happened that made him run here in search of Donghun and Junhee in such weather?_

"Yuchan?" Donghun asked as he instantly came to a halt at the sight of the shivering boy. "What happened?" It took Donghun a minute to flew down the stairs and to the shuddering Yuchan. "What happened? Why are you here?"

"I.. I.. Can I s.. Can I stay with you and Junhee tonight?" The boy chocked out, lips blue, face pale, his entire being trembling.

"Okay. Okay. Let's get you warm first and we can talk later." Donghun muttered, wrapping an arm around Yuchan's shoulder and rushing him towards the stairs. "Sehyoon, you can go back to sleep."

"Are you sure?" Sehyoon asked, genuinely concerned.

"Yes. Thank you."

Sehyoon stood motionless in stunned silence for a few minutes, watching Donghun lead Yuchan upstairs, whispering something in a hushed voice to the boy.

“Was Yuchan also involved in the story that happened three years ago?” He murmured to himself, checked if he had closed the door tightly before going back up to his room.

Byeongkwan was sitting on the bed, blanket wrapped around himself, only his face visible. Sehyoon found himself softly smiling at the sight.

“What happened?” Byeongkwan asked as Sehyoon sat down on the bed beside him.

“It was Yuchan.” He said and noticed how life instantly drained out of Byeongkwan’s face.

“Where is he?” byeongkwan asked, throwing the blanket aside. Sehyoon could hear panic in his voice.

“He’s with Donghun and Junhee.” He placed a firm hand on Byeongkwan’s thigh and pulled him back down on the bed. “He’s alright.” He reassured, but the other male only shook his head in return.

“He isn’t.” Byeongkwan cried out before covering his face with his hands.

“What do you mean?” Sehyoon asked as he tried to take Byeongkwan’s hands off to get a glimpse of the other’s face.

“It was him, Sehyoon. Three years ago. It was him.” Byeongkwan whispered and Sehyoon found himself shuddering at the thought. He understood what Byeongkwan meant. “I shouldn’t have left him alone today, but he didn't let us inside his room.” Byeongkwan tried getting up again, but Sehyoon held him back.

“He came looking for Donghun and Junhee. He must have a reason. Let him talk to them first.” Sehyoon pulled the other in his embrace, humming a soft melody in his ear to tune out the furious world.

 

*******

 

Junhee was out of the bed in the blank of an eye as soon as Donghun led Yuchan inside their bedroom, rushing over to them.

“Chan, what happened? Are you okay?” He cupped the boy’s pale face in his hands and heard unusual trembling of his own voice.

“I.. I’m.. I’m fine.” Yuchan choked out just as another violent wave of shiver run down through his entire body.

Donghun was quick to grab fresh pair of warm clothes from their close for Yuchan to change into, while Junhee rubbed the boy's arms to keep him warm.

“Come on, Chan, before you make yourself sick change into these.” He pointed the boy towards the bathroom’s door and handed him clothes. Yuchan took them silently and disappeared behind the door.

Both, Donghun and Junhee stood in silence for a minute or two, staring at the closed door Yuchan had disappeared into.

“What is happening?” Junhee was first to find his voice as he tore his gaze from the door and turned to his lover.

“I don’t know.” Donghun said, voice soft and quiet. He looked lost. “He asked if he could stay with us tonight.”

“Should we call Jeonghwan and Yeeun?” Junhee was starting to get worried. Only something so horrible could make someone run outside of their house in such conditions.

“Let’s hear him out first.” Donghun walked over to the bed and heavily lowered himself on it. Maybe calling Jeonghwan and Yeeun wasn’t the best idea. What if it was them Yuchan was running away from? Did they do something to him? Did they abuse their own child? The thought had been bothering him for so long. Had Yuchan finally found some strength and courage to run away from them? Donghun couldn't be sure. He didn't want to make wrong assumptions and he had a feeling he was about to find out the truth or maybe something close to it.

“I will make him a warm tea.” Junhee murmured to no one particular before leaving the bedroom.

It took Yuchan few more minutes to finally change into a new pair of clothing and few more minutes to gather some courage to walk outside of the bathroom. Sudden rush of courage that had brought him here in the first place was slowly starting to disappear and he was starting to doubt the reason of why he had come here. He was no longer sure of what he wanted from the other two men, what did he expected from them to do. This time too, he hadn’t thought in advance about what he was going to do after he finally reached his destination.

He slowly pulled the door open, quietly slipping out of it. Junhee was gone. Donghun was sitting on the bed, staring down at the floor. He seemed worried or maybe he was just tired. He stood beside the door for a few more seconds before Donghun noticed his presence. The older man gave him a small, gentle smile. Yuchan found it to be reassuring.

Enraged rumble of thunder went off somewhere in the distance, deafening the world around them. Donghun didn’t miss a violent flinch of Yuchan’s body.

“Get in there.” Donghun lifted up a blanket for Yuchan to crawl under and pointed him to the bed with his head. “Come, hurry, we gotta keep you warm.” Donghun’s voice was gentle and quiet, completely in contrast with violent screaming of his head and the world outside.

Yuchan did as he was asked, hurriedly walked over to the bed and crawled under the blanket. He sat himself up against the headboard and Donghun wrapped the warm blanket around him and up to his chin. Yuchan felt warmness slowly slipping inside his freezing body. Donghun’s and Junhee’s bedroom was as comforting and soothing as he had found Donghun’s office to be, their presence felt comforting and soothing to Yuchan. They made voices inside his head quiet, insane agony of his soul started to slowly fade away and settle into calmness. He wasn’t hurting as much as he was inside his own room, where it was only him, his thoughts, familiar dark shadows and memories of the day he had tried to disappear along the waves.

“Warm enough?” Donghun asked, patting Yuchan’s knee in a gentle manner. Yuchan couldn’t find his voice to answer, but managed to give him a slight nod. “Good. Jun is making tea for you.” _Oh._

“I.. I’m sorry.” Yuchan whispered quietly. He wasn't sure if Donghun could hear him.

“For what?” His sudden apology made Donghun laugh. It sounded comforting and replaced loud crying of wind and harsh sound of rain hitting hard against the window inside the room. Yuchan felt unfamiliar calmness settling inside him.

“Fo.. For disturbing you at th.. this hour.” Yuchan had to force words out of his mouth. “Ju.. Junhee said I could come anytime an.. and I thought.. I thought it wo.. It would be okay to come.” He whispered quietly, inaudible almost. He realized how stupid his reason sounded. He knew Junhee hadn’t mean two in the morning, when the storm was tearing the world outside apart. He was just hopeful and wishful and terrified and he wanted someone to keep him safe from his own thoughts and Donghun and Junhee were the only people who could keep voices inside his head quiet.

“I did.” Came Junhee’s voice from the doorway and Donghun’s and Yuchan’s heads immediately whirled to the door. There was a wide, warm smile dancing on Junhee’s lips, reassuring, comforting. It screamed, it was okay to come. “And I meant it.” Junhee walked over to the bed and sat down beside Donghun. He was holding a cup of tea in his hands.

“We are glad you came.” Junhee reassured and held out a cup for him. Yuchan took it with trembling hands, grasping it tightly so he wouldn’t drop the cup. He felt already warm enough. He wasn’t sure if it was because of the warm clothes, warm bed and a hot cup of tea or the warm smiles Donghun and Junhee were giving him.

Yuchan sipped his tea slowly, gulping it down little by little. He didn’t have to rush. Donghun and Junhee looked peaceful and seemed like they were willing to give him enough time to gather his thoughts. The couple observed him silently, letting him calm down and make himself comfortable. He knew he had to make an explanation of his sudden arrival even if Donghun and Junhee didn’t ask for one. They deserved to know. Maybe not the full story, because Yuchan was afraid of how they would react if they were to find out, he was afraid to see the same emotion filling Donghun’s and Junhee’s curious, warm eyes as everyone else’s did when they landed on Yuchan. _Pity._ But he would tell them something, bits of it, something that was close to the truth.

Yuchan observed them too, shyly, cautiously. He caught the sight of their intertwined hands and wondered how it felt to hold hands with someone, how it would feel to hold hands with Donghun and Junhee. If they were as warm as their smiles, if they felt as secure as their presence did. He wondered if it would be alright to ask if he could hold their hands, but he left the thought die as suddenly as it came. He didn’t have enough courage.

“Do you feel better?” Junhee asked when Yuchan took the last gulp of his tea. He carefully took the cup away from his trembling fingers and placed it on the bedside table. Yuchan nodded. He felt better. He hadn’t felt this peaceful in a long time. “I’m glad you do.” Junhee told him, warm smile never faltering from his face. _He was glad Yuchan was feeling better._ Yuchan could believe his words blindly. Junhee was genuine.

“Chan.” Donghun started a minute later. “I want you to be honest with us, okay?” He asked and Yuchan nodded. He would try to be as honest as he could, as his insecurities made it possible to be. “Did something happen?” It was a simple question, but it hung in the air above them and forced strenuous silence to make itself comfortable inside the room. _Did something happen?_ Yuchan wasn't sure. He had just wanted to run away from his thoughts, from his memories of that day, from his room, from his loneliness, from his hideaway. He had just wanted to find some comfort and Donghun and Junhee had once offered it to him and his terrified self had thought them to be the only safe place he could run to. And it hadn’t been wrong. Junhee and Donghun had offered him kind smiles, warm hearts and comfort of their presence. And Yuchan was glad he had found them or they had somehow found him. He wasn’t sure what he would be doing if he hadn’t found shelter inside their room.

“I am.. N.. no. Storm. It terrifies me.” Yuchan managed, grasping the blanket tightly in his fingers. “So.. Something happened few years ago du.. during a storm. I.. I was scared and I thought.. because Junhee said.. I thought I could stay.. with you.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Donghun offered, his free hand placed on Yuchan’s knee. Yuchan only shook his head in return. He couldn’t. He liked Donghun and Junhee. A lot. He didn’t want to chase them away. He had been hiding away from other people for so long, but he didn’t want to hide from Donghun and Junhee. He wanted them to see him. They made the world around him seem different, less chaotic, less scary, less gruesome, less agonising.

“It’s okay if you don’t.” Donghun reassured and Junhee nodded at his lover’s words, gentle smile still gracing his lips. Yuchan managed something sort of a smile back. He wanted them to know he was thankful of them, for giving him a shelter, for not saying no to keeping him company, even at such hours, even in such weather, even in such conditions, even when he was so dull and uninteresting and could offer nothing in return. “Can I ask you one more question, Chan? But you have to promise me that you will be honest, okay?” Donghun asked again and Yuchan nodded.

“I promise.” He assured in a small voice. He would try his best to give Donghun an honest answer.

“I am so sorry for making such an assumption, but is someone.. Is there someone hurting you, Chan? In any ways. It doesn’t have to be physical. You have to tell us, okay? You need to if there really is someone, Chan.” Donghun told him, voice gentle, but worried. Yuchan could hear pure concern in his tone. Did Donghun and Junhee think someone was hurting him? Maybe his parents? It made Yuchan smile a little. It was bitter. No. There was no one hurting him, except himself, except his own mind. There was no one else, but his thoughts and him.

“N.. no. No.” He shook his head repeatedly in return, trying to assure them with a gesture. “No one is hurting me. I’m.. I’m just like.. like that.” He whispered, choked out almost. Hearing himself admit it out loud to Donghun and Junhee ripped something apart inside him. He didn’t wish to be like that. He had once tried to escape being like that. He couldn’t do anything to change how he was, how his mind made him think and behave.

“Like what, Chan?” Junhee asked. His voice didn’t hold any sign of mockery. He was just genuinely asking. They genuinely wanted to know more about Yuchan. They didn’t find him odd or strange. They were just curious. Or maybe that was what Yuchan wanted them to be - curious of him and not weirded out of his strangeness.

“I am.. I am a little broken.” Yuchan admitted, hung his head low, felt ashamed of himself and the truth his lips have uttered in the raging night.

“Don’t you think it is okay to be a little broken, Chan, so someone can find you and mend you back?” Donghun asked a few seconds later, when both him and Junhee let the meaning Yuchan’s words carried sink down in their minds. _I am a little broken._ They knew he was. It was obvious. Only broken person could look so sorrowful, so lonely, so exhausted, but so beautiful at the same time. Donghun believed that the most valuable artifacts were usually the most demaged, shattered and worn out by the time.

“I am not broken like that.” Yuchan started, slowly, quietly. “I can’t be mended.” He was sure there was nothing in the world that could fix how he was. The world itself had made him to be like this.

“I can’t tell you that every wound heals, Chan, some do, some only heal on the surface, but still hurt, some leave their marks behind, but we get used to the pain, we learn how to live with them and as the time goes, as we get used to it, move on with life, let the wonders of the world keep us curious, we start to stop dwelling on the old wounds, new ones are made and replaced and the pain changes, sometimes it gets better, sometimes it gets worse, but it changes. It’s never the same, like we never are. It’s a process of living a life and discovering yourself along the way. We shouldn’t be afraid of our wounds, Chan. They are part of who we are, who we will be. Maybe you can’t be mended, but that doesn’t mean you have to stay broken. Sometimes you just have to lay your wounds bare open and let the soft gush of wind dust away the pain it brings.” Yuchan wasn’t sure if he fully understood what Donghun meant, but he tried to seek comfort in the words of the other male.

“We shouldn’t be ashamed of being broken?” Yuchan questioned a minute later, gaze shifting between Donghun and Junhee. He wanted to read reassurement on their faces. And he did saw it in their eyes.

“Never.” Junhee told him, smiling. ”We should never be ashamed of being broken. It’s not like we can stop ourselves from breaking, Chan. We are mere humans and there are things that are simply out of our capabilities. Don’t you think we all get broken, but in different ways and it hurts differently for each of us? I think we all do, but some of us don’t forget that it’s okay to break and those who remember are the ones who become strong at the broken places, at the places that have hurt the most, that have caused so much pain. You might be broken, Chan, and I don’t know in what way you are, but what I know for sure is that feeling ashamed and hiding won’t change anything, it won't make pain any better.”

“What will then?” Yuchan asked again. His question brought smile on Donghun’s and Junhee’s lips.

“No one can tell you for sure, Chan, embrace it? live with it? Stop hiding and let yourself be found? Let yourself be curious? Let yourself be afraid, but don't let it stop you from exploring new things?” Junhee offered. “It may sound stupid, but let yourself be hurt? I think the answer is that no matter how scary it seems, we should never be afraid of hurting. If you aren’t going to be a little wounded, a little demaged, a little broken you are going to end up not living your life, which I believe to be rather sad.” Junhee told him and Yuchan thought he understood what the others meant better.

“Like Icarus?” He asked, a little too innocently and it made Donghun laugh. The older male leaned forward to ruffle his hair.

“Like Icarus, whose curiosity resulted in his death, but he got to see the sun closer, satisfy his desire of flying high in the sky, didn't he? It’s not about who lives longer, Chan, it’s about who truly lives their life.” Donghun said and Yuchan understood. He understood everything better, suddenly saw things in a different light, wondered if it was too late for him to let himself be found, wondered if he could live such a life, if it was possible for him to stop being ashamed of being broken, if he had stumbled upon Donghun and Junhee for a reason, if he had stumbled upon them to learn how to not be ashamed, how to be found, how to live his life again. He was sure he had met them for a reason, he was sure he felt at ease and comforted by their presence for a reason and he was starting to realize for what reason they had met each other so unexpectedly.

 Maybe they were a sign for Yuchan to learn how to live again, make use of a chance he had been given, not waste it in vain.

Maybe they were a sign that even if he couldn’t be mended, he could learn how to live with broken wings again, the ones that had been ripped away from him in exchange of having a second chance in life.

He had to learn how to get used to living without them and maybe he had stumbled upon Donghun and Junhee so they could teach him how to fly again, this time without wings, broken, but still willing to soar the sky.

 

*******

 

Donghun couldn’t sleep. He could only sit in silence, inside a dimly lit bedroom and watch Junhee and Yuchan sleep soundlessly. The other two had fallen asleep during Donghun telling them one of his self-made mythological stories, trying to distract them from the madness happening outside and it had worked. Junhee had fallen asleep first, on his usual side of the bed, curled up into himself, small smile resting on his lips. It didn’t took Yuchan, who had been fully engrossed into the story, much longer to be lulled into a deep slumber, head lolling to the side. Donghun had carefully adjusted the boy into a more comfortable position before finding a comfortable place for himself on the couch and curling up on it.

No matter how hard he tried sleep didn’t come. His mind kept wandering about so many different things at the same time and all of them were concerning the same boy occupying his usual place on his and Junhee’s bed.

 _Yuchan._  Even though he had opened up a little, he still remained one of the hugest mysteries Donghun knew nothing about.

Yuchan was a little broken and terrified of the storm. These two things were what he knew for sure about the boy, but he didn’t know the reason behind any of them. Why was he broken? Why was he terrified of the storm? He knew he wouldn’t come up with the right answer no matter how much he pondered his mind about it until Yuchan told him himself, but he couldn’t sleep and thinking about the boy and his mysteries kept him occupied.

It was a little over six in the morning when he noticed that the storm was starting to quiet down. Its harsh sounds slowly started to calm down and fade away, the rain started to cease, roars of thunder started to occur less frequently.

The storm was slowly coming to an end.

So much have changed in a few hours.

*******

 

“Jeonghwan.” Jeonghwan got startled out of his sleep by the panicked call of his name. It took him a second to snap himself into a sitting position. Yeeun was standing over the bed, room lit up brightly. She looked pale and in panic. He was surprised his heart didn't stop beating at the sight. “It’s Chan.” Yeeun cried out and it was enough to get him out of the bed and next to his wife.

“What about Chan, what do you mean?” He gently shook the woman, hands placed firmly on her arms.

“He isn't in his room and the front door was left open.” Yeeun explained and he could feel how much she was trying to hold herself together.

“What time is it?” He turned in search of the clock on his bedside table. 3:46am. “Did you check the attic?” He turned back to his wife. He couldn’t let panic overwhelm him. They couldn’t assume the worst. They had to keep a cool head and look for their child.

“I didn’t.” Yeeun told him and he could only give her a nod, before quickly grabbing his robe and almost running out of the room, Yeeun following behind.

“Check every room as quickly as possible. I will check the attic. If he isn’t in there I will look for him outside. Wake up Byeongkwan if he is here.” He instructed and before he could add anything, Yeeun was flying down the stairs, calling Yuchan’s name. He went opposite of her way, calling their son as loudly as his voice allowed him, panicked and strained.

They had to find him, as quickly as possible before the storm would snatch their boy away once again. They couldn’t lose him one more time. They couldn’t lose him once and for all.

“Chan!”

**Chapter Ten**

 

The storm died down around nine in the morning. It was still raining, but it was nothing severe compared to what it had been during the night. Donghun walked outside of his room after getting a final glance of his peacefully sleeping lover and Yuchan. Neither of them had woken up during the night. The had storm passed better than he had expected. He found himself standing on the disarranged balcony. The storm had managed to destroy the world outside. Tree branches were scattered around everywhere. The sea looked like it was about to swallow the entire village in its raging waves. It was still furious, hadn’t managed to calm down.

Donghun stood outside, quiet, still, observing the demaged world around him when the sight of two police men and Jeonghwan caught his attention inside the Kang's yard. Jeonghwan looked like he had just returned from the war.

Donghun found the situation concerning. _Did something happen? Did Yuchan not tell them why he had run away yesterday night?_

He quickly retreated inside the house and came face to face with Junhee, who looked like he had just woken up.

“Good morning.” Junhee muttered as Donghun placed a quick peck on his cheek. “The storm is over.” He stated simply.

“It is.” Donghun confirmed and led his lover back inside their bedroom. “I think something happened at the Kang’s. Stay with Yuchan. I will check what’s happening.” He explained in a hurry. Junhee nodded a minute later, still in his sleep induced daze.

It took Donghun a minute or two to fly down the stairs, cross his yard and find himself almost running inside the entrance of the Kang's house.

Jeonghwan and Yeeun were standing on the doorway engaged in frantic conversation with policemen. Yeeun was first to catch the sight of him approaching and everyone else slowly turned their attention to him, halting their hurried conversation. Donghun felt uncomfortable silence pressing down heavily on their shoulders.

He opened his mouth to utter a greeting, but found it unsuitable for the situation. _What was happening?_

“Did something happen?” He asked and noticed unshed tears in Yeeun’s eyes.

“It’s Chan.” The woman choked out and the world suddenly rearranged itself inside Donghun’s head. “He disappeared during the night.”

 _Chan._  They had completely forgotten about the idea that maybe Yuchan hadn't warned his parents about his whereabouts. It hadn't really had occured to any of them to somehow let Jeonghwan and Yeeun know that Yuchan was staying over with them for the night.

They had been looking for Yuchan for the entire night, thinking the worst a worried parent could think in such situation, when they couldn’t find their child after a stormy night.

“He..” Donghun choked on his own words. _How could they forget._ “Yuchan is staying at our house.” He managed a minute later and noticed how Jeonghwan staggered on where he was standing. Yeeun had to steady her husband.

“What.. My son.. He was with you and Junhee during the night?” Jeonghwan asked, lowering himself on the wet staircase. No one bothered to shelter themselves from the rain.

“He did. He came over late at night.” Donghun nodded and felt the policemen’s burning glares boring inside his head. “I am sorry, Junhee and I didn’t tell you earlier. It didn’t occur to us that it could cause so much worry.”

“Oh dear.” Yeeun let herself break down in tears and Donghun found himself pulled inside the woman’s strong arms. “Chan is alright.” She cried out. It wasn’t a question. It was a reassurement.

“He is. He was still sleeping a few minutes ago.” Donghun confirmed as Yeeun slowly pulled him away from her embrace. “Yeeun. Jeonghwan. I’m so sorry we have caused you so much distress.” He apologized, genuine. They shouldn't have forgotten to warn them about Yuchan’s whereabouts. They should have made sure Yeeun and Jeonghwan knew he was with them, safe and alright. He would need to talk with Yuchan. Yes, the boy could come and spend as much time as he wanted with him and Junhee any time of the day and night, but he had to be careful, aware that the others might worry about his absence. People needed to know where he was in case something happened, in case someone thought he had disappeared somewhere during the stormy night. “You should come with me. Junhee will make you a cup of warm lemon tea to help you calm down until Yuchan wakes up.” Donghun offered and a minute later he was walking back to his house, accompanied by quietly sobbing Yeeun and staggering Jeonghwan.

“I thought he had tried to do it again. I thought we had lost him for real this time, Yeeun.” He heard Jeonghwan whisper to her wife and as much as he didn’t want to let the implications older man's words carried affect his perception of why Yuchan was terrified of the storm, because he wanted to hear the entire story from the boy himself, he thought maybe he had found out the reason why Yuchan was a little broken and what had terrified him during the furious, stormy night.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> I've been itching to write something and finally managed to do so today. I have been having lots of ideas, but I am a bit short on time these days. I've been busy working on my very first academic publication and I feel so nervous about it. I just hope, it won't turn out to be a disaster.  
> I also want to recommend something for everyone (if you can get a hold of it), especially to those going through the hard times, experiencing self-doubt, doubting the decisions they have made and the ones on the verge of quitting. It's the same book, Sehyoon mentioned during Thank You Concert, Think and Grow Rich by N. Hill. I think it could be a lot of help for everyone and if you are hesitating to read it, because you don't have much free time, you don't have to worry. It had been often suggested about the book that it should be read a chapter a day/night. I think it's better to take your time reading it, to make sure you have gotten a good grasp of every detail. I am always willing to discuss it with you, if you will need someone to share your thoughts after reading it.  
> Also, I have been trying to find the book Donghun mentioned during his speech, but I haven't been able to find it, because I don't know who the author is. If anyone can help me out with it, I will be eternally grateful.  
> I think, that's all I wanted to say.  
> Thank you so much for reading and leaving kudos and comments behind. They are greatly appreciated.  
> I didn't get to fix the mistakes, so I apologize for them.  
> Hope you enjoy reading this chapter. Take care everyone.

 

**Chapter Eleven**

 

_I know I should live my life_

_For it was given to me for such a reason_

_But what should I do when I have completely forgotten how to live._

 

Yuchan didn’t come for the next few days. He didn’t appear dancing on the jetty at dawn, tranquil and breathtaking. He didn’t come no matter how long, Donghun and Junhee waited. Yuchan didn’t come, but the silent whispers roaming the small roads of the village, from house to house, from person to person, didn’t delay to arrive. They spread among them like a poisonous liquid spreading through one’s blood. _The Kang’s kid had lost it again. The Kang’s kid had tried to do it again. The Kang’s kid.._ had done nothing, but to seek shelter from his terrifying mind, but people didn’t know that. They only knew what they needed to hear, to entertain themselves during their free times, when they had nothing else to do. It wasn’t their story, their own child, their own lover, their own brother, someone of their kind. It was just another broken boy, who once, very bravely, had tried to run away from the silent whispers filling the streets whenever he stepped outside. They followed him wherever he went, however he tried to hide. They always found a way to catch up with him, latch onto his trembling shoulders. The world just couldn’t forget about his existence, when all he wanted was to be forgotten, left alone in peace, without others pointing their accusing fingers at him for not being like them, for being exhausted of trying to keep the façade of unworried, happy, carefree child up. Yuchan knew he wasn’t okay, he didn't need every single person pointing it out to him with each step he took. He just wished that the others could understand him, would understand him, see him how he was, accept him however broken he was. But they couldn't. No one could. No one would. At some point, even his own family didn’t understand and wouldn’t hear his pleas. Yuchan wasn't okay, but he also was no different. He was just a broken boy, wanting to be seen, heard, understood and accepted, for however he was.

Donghun and Junhee waited, kept waiting, but Yuchan didn’t come.

He was gone just like a wave that would never return, no matter how long you waited for it to come back. It was just gone and never coming back.

The dancing angel was gone, didn’t return to lighten up the world with his beautiful dancing and graceful movements at dawn.

The dancing angel had stopped dancing.

And Donghun and Junhee couldn’t do anything, but wait, hope he would return one day, some day, when he was least expected to come back and continue dancing as if he had never stopped.

 

**Chapter Twelve**

 

Byeongkwan didn’t visit them for the next three days after storm. The house was eerily quiet without him, his and Sehyoon’s usual, loud giggles no longer disturbing the night. His absence was felt by everyone and everything.

The Kang’s entire house was just as quiet as theirs, maybe a bit more, silent, standing still, as if there was no living soul left inside the house, as if it had been long abandoned. It looked deserted and lonely, as if life had completely moved out of the house, left it behind to be forgotten in time. It looked as if it was mourning, something or someone, but there was no one to mourn. It stood tall and quiet, too quiet, too lonely, too unapproachable, just like one of its occupants.

No matter how many times any of them mastered up enough courage to walk inside the Kang’s yard and call out the names of four people living inside the house, they all changed their minds in the end, in the middle of the way that could lead them to the Kang's house, barely outside of their own gates.

Something about the house told them that they weren’t welcome to come. It wasn’t the right time to come.

And all they could do was to wait, wait until it welcomed them back, opened its doors once again for them.

Three days passed in uncertainty, three of them sitting on their balcony, utterly quiet, looking over to the Kang’s house, trying to catch a glimpse of something moving, or someone still living inside the house. There was nothing and no one to see, as if there had never been. Until on the fourth day, Byeongkwan returned.

Junhee was the one who woke up at the sound of familiar, cheery giggles reaching inside Donghun’s office, where he had fallen asleep some time during the night. Donghun, who had been working on the paper for the entire night was nowhere in sight and there was his lover’s favourite blanket draped around Junhee's curled up body on the couch. Donghun's scent still lingered inside the room. He must have left barely a few minutes ago. Junhee hadn’t wanted to sleep alone inside their bedroom, so he had tried to entertain himself by reading his favourite book of poems, while he waited for Donghun to finish.

He hurriedly slipped out of the blanket and made his way to the open window that was letting inside the sound of hearty laughter. It sounded familiar, but it wasn’t Donghun laughing.

He pulled the curtains aside, closing his eyes in the process to slowly adjust to the morning light. He was sure it was still early in the morning, maybe a little late than the usual time he and Donghun woke up to watch Yuchan dance on the jetty.

Sehyoon and Byeongkwan were sitting under one of the trees the storm hadn’t been very kind to, inside their garden. Sehyoon had his head rested on the other male’s lap, who was running his hand through the other’s hair, while laughing over something Sehyoon had said to him.

He found himself smiling at the sight. They looked happy and in love. Sehyoon deserved to be happy. Byeongkwan did too. If you were to ask him, every person deserved to be happy and loved, no matter who and how they were.

He roamed around the house for a few minutes looking for Donghun, but there was no trace of his lover’s whereabouts inside the house. He called for him for a few times before giving up and stepping outside on the balcony, on their usual place where both of them watched the dancing angel on the jetty each morning, just as early as the sun rose up on the sky.

It wasn’t hard to distinguish who two figures sitting on the jetty side by side were. The sight looked unfamiliar and unusual, but stirred a hearty laughter inside Junhee’s chest before he once again disappeared inside the house.

 

**Chapter Thirteen**

 

Donghun found Yuchan lying on the jetty three days after the storm that had swept through the village, looking tranquil and absent from his own body. The dancing angel was back, but he was no longer dancing.

Donghun thought the sight to be truly heartbreaking, what was a dancing angel without his usual glow, flutter of his arms, graceful and captivating dancing of his.

Yuchan reminded him of a fallen angel, the one who had been stripped off its wings and forced out of the heaven, the one who had tried to piece its feathers back together, but was slowly giving up, too exhausted, too broken from trying.

“Chan?” He whispered as he grew closer to where Yuchan laid, completely out of this world. “Hey, Chan.”

Yuchan’s eyes blinked open when Donghun's body casted a shadow over his, stealing sunshine dancing against the boy’s skin.

Donghun could easily tell from Yuchan’s gaze that he was exhausted. It made him feel bad for disturbing the boy’s quiet, personal time, but he had wanted to talk with him since the moment Yuchan had left their house with his parents after the stormy night.

“Is it okay if I join you?” He asked and hesitated for a second to sit down after receiving a slight nod from Yuchan.

They both felt silent after that, quiet sound of the waves clashing against the jetty filling the world around them, directing their attention to it, turning the silence comfortable.

Donghun found the sound to be soothing and comforting. No wonder Yuchan was lying there, trying to seek some peace of mind. He remained silent, not wanting to disturb the boy’s tranquility. He could see how much Yuchan was in need of it, how exhausted, how numb the boy looked under the morning sunshine.

“Did you hear?” Yuchan was the one who took the bravery to disturbing the quiet around them. His voice was smaller than usual, shakier than it normally did. Yuchan was beyond exhausted.

“Hear what?” Donghun asked, voice soft and low, trying to match it to the comforting sound of waves surrounding them. He knew what Yuchan was referring.

“What they say about me.” It took Yuchan a few minutes to gather some courage and strength to utter the words.

“I did.” Donghun confirmed and found Yuchan’s cautious gaze trailing on his face, looking for some hidden sign he wanted to see on Donghun’s face or maybe for something he was afraid of reading in the older male’s eyes.

“Do you think.. I.. I am crazy?” Yuchan asked and Donghun noticed how the boy held his breath, as if he was trying to keep himself whole, from falling apart. _Do you also think I am crazy?_   Donghun was sure that was the question he caught inside Yuchan’s eyes for the smallest of moment. He didn’t. He wasn’t one of those people Yuchan was referring to. Donghun believed that there was no such thing as normality. There was only you and who you were. His normality was never going to be someone else's. Someone else’s normality was never going to be his.

“Are you, Chan?” He questioned, soft smile paving its way on his lips, gentle and reassuring.

“N.. no.” Yuchan started, almost inaudible, trembling. “I don’t think I am. I am just a little...”

“Broken. I know.” Donghun reached out and rested his hand against the boy’s thigh. Just an innocent gesture of courage.

“What did you hear?” Yuchan asked a few minutes later, his eyes trailing from Donghun’s hand on his thigh to the cloudless, blue horizon.

“It doesn’t matter what I heard, Chan. What others say about you isn’t worth of my interest.” Donghun started and hesitated for a second to make sure he was listening. Yuchan didn’t look at him, but gave him a slight nod of his head. Donghun noticed slight quivering of the boy’s lips. He wondered how much longer Yuchan would be able to hold himself together, how much more he could fight. “What matters is what you tell me, Chan. It’s your story. No one else, but you know the whole truth. What they say is meaningless to me. Only you get to tell your story, Chan, unchanged and raw, no one else has the right.”

“What if what they are saying about me is true?” Yuchan turned to face him. For the first time since he had met him, Donghun could see so many different emotions inside the boy’s eyes.

“It doesn’t change anything, Chan. It doesn’t have to.” Donghun told him, gave him a reassuring smile and witnessed hundreds of emotions flickering all together inside Yuchan’s eyes. The supernovae occurred inside the dancing angel’s eyes. It felt captivating to watch the emotions bloom inside Yuchan's usually lifeless eyes.

“Would you still want to spend time with me? Would Junhee still want to be with me even if it’s true?” Yuchan asked and Donghun could see that the boy was terrified of the answer.

“I would.” Donghun said, his hold tightening on Yuchan’s thigh. “Jun would too. It doesn’t change anything, Chan.”

Yuchan’s eyes flickered back on the calm, wavering sea, silence once again making itself comfortable around them.

Yuchan was thinking and turning Donghun’s words inside his head. The older male could understand it from the way his brows furrowed, his eyes glistened and lost their focus on the sea.

“I’m exhausted.” Yuchan whispered after a while, after thirty-fifth wave clashed against the jetty and left without any traces. His voice was so quiet, Donghun almost missed it. “Of survival. I’m exhausted of just merely surviving. Every day. It’s all the same. Survival. Just go through the day, Chan. Just go through one more day. My life is all about survival, making sure I make it alive through the day. There's nothing else to it and I'm exhausted of living like this. I'm exhausted of surviving, Donghun.” Yuchan said and Donghun heard unshed tears and desperation in his voice. Yuchan had so much strength inside him. He could still hold himself whole even after being through so much and through everything.

“Survival. It’s a terrifying word, isn’t it? It holds so much meaning and nothing all at once.” Donghun whispered. _Survival_. It was a terrifying word indeed. “What holds you back from living, Chan?”

“I don’t know.” Yuchan murmured a minute later, his eyes searching for Donghun’s. “I think, I have long forgotten how to live or how it felt to live.” Their eyes met. Donghun held his gaze.

“There are so many different doors in life, Chan.” Donghun started, trying to gather the right words, find the way to explain what he wanted the boy to realize, to understand, to see. “We need to at least try and open some of them.”

“I think.. I think I am afraid.” Yuchan whispered and casted his gaze downward in shame. 

“Of what?” Donghun’s hand slipped up from his thigh to his face and gently lifted the boy's chin up.

“What might be inside them. Behind them. I am not sure.” Yuchan managed, trying to avoid looking into Donghun's eyes. They were so expressive, reflected everything Donghun was feeling inside on the surface and he was afraid of seeing something inside them he didn't want to see in Donghun's eyes.

“You are never going to be unafraid, Chan. There will always be something that will stir fear inside us, some terrifyingly strong, frightening, some not so much. But history has never seen a man who had been completely fearless. We all have fears, Chan and it’s okay to be afraid. We can’t run away from feeling uncertain about things, about decisions we make. Feeling of uncertainty is what borns fear, but we shouldn’t let it stop us from turning the handle. You don’t have to be unafraid, Chan, but you have to be daring. Maybe you have stumbled upon the right door, maybe you have come across the one hiding peacefulness behind it? You have to try and open at least some of them. You will have to try and close some of the ones you have opened, because they aren’t what you need, but you have to keep turning the handles. When the doors are opened, feeling of uncertainty grows smaller, everything slowly starts to fall into place and you are no longer afraid of what might be hiding behind them. Curiosity of life, of its secrets and mysteries, of all the beautiful things it holds, makes you braver. The feeling of it is stronger than feeling of fear and you slowly start to follow the pace, push the doors open more easily, more bravely. Your life falls in steps with you and you suddenly feel at ease. You shouldn’t be afraid of opening them, Chan, you were given the keys because they should be opened, by you and no one else. But, right now, you seem to be walking in the same hallway every day, too afraid of step closer and try to hear if there are any noises reaching through some of the doors aligned on the walls of the hallway, too afraid of reaching through them. It’s not too late to open a new door, Chan. It never is. Life is about opening every door in our own hallways, and if we let the fear of uncertainty keep us from opening them, keep us from revealing the secrets they might be hiding, we will realize all too late that we should have tried and at least open few of them, because we have lived our entire lives in fear, inside the same hallway and had it stop us from living, truly living our lives, Chan, from experiencing all the good things life might have prepared for us and have hidden behind them. Every door, Chan, to be completely happy and fearless, every door should be opened in life.”

A single tear found its way on Yuchan’s cheek, containing all the pain younger had endured and lived with, expressing more than Yuchan could say, revealing more than any whisper of someone’s secret could. It was a tear, induced with nothing, but pain. Yuchan was slowly letting himself shatter, so he could be built again from the ashes of it. Donghun could feel his pain, could see his secrets, everything he had tried to hide inside himself, every mystery of his.

Yuchan felt a gentle, reassuring hand on his shoulder, keeping him firm on his place, keeping his ashes gathered together so soft, morning breeze wouldn’t steal them away. His gaze slowly travelled from Donghun to the owner of the comforting hand on his shoulder. He was met by a warm, beautiful smile. Perhaps life was smiling back at him for the first time in years, perhaps it was trying to show him that there was a door waiting to be opened. There was a door waiting for Yuchan to open, to learn how to live again, guided by the safety of two pair of soothing hands.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> It's been a while since the last update. I hope everyone is doing well.  
> The updates will be more frequent from now on.  
> Thank you so much for reading and leaving kudos and comments behind. I appreciate them a lot.  
> I apologize for all the mistakes. I'm not very good at fixing them.  
> Hope you will enjoy reading this chapter.  
> Take care.

 

**Chapter Fourteen**

 

_Spending time with an angel._

 

Eight days after the storm and four days after his return back to the village Yuchan was sitting on the cool floor of Donghun’s and Junhee’s balcony, cheek rested on his arms on the comfortable hanging sofa, staring up at Junhee with peaceful expression on his face. The afternoon had barely come, hot and quiet and Yuchan felt as if he was floating on the softest cloud in the sky, his mind at ease and his stomach full of unfamiliar fleeting of butterflies. Junhee was smiling down gently at him, lovely and reassuring, sprawled across Donghun's lap, who was busy playing with his lover’s hair mindlessly, eyes curiously exploring Yuchan’s curled up body, shoeless feet, scrapped knees, bruised limbs, scrawny, frail figure. Everything about the boy screamed fragile and delicate and Donghun found himself hypnotized by the sight. He didn’t know what was so captivating about Yuchan, what made him and Junhee think about him for hours continuously, curiousy piqued and hearts unusually fluttery. Yuchan looked like just another eighteen years old boy, but Donghun and Junhee had come to learn that he wasn't. He was nothing like the other boys his age. He was different in so many ways - how he walked on his tiptoes, careful to not make any noise, afraid of disturbing the peaceful quiet, how he looked absent most of the time, but heard every word they whispered to him, how he moved his arms so gracefully while dancing, how he hummed to himself from time to time, distracted and lost in his own world, how he knew so many random facts and things, how he had so much knowledge of ancient history of the world boys his age usually didn’t know or cared about, how he could whisper a poem, a quote, a lyric of his favourite author, book, song any time, how he tried to make himself invisible, hide away from the entire world, how he had gone through hell and beyond, but had remained so innocent, naïve, full of wonders and kindness, how he looked so lonely and sad, how tired and exhausted he was, how he was so utterly lovely and beautiful, how he managed to take both Donghun’s and Junhee’s breathes away every time his eyes blinked up at them, how he managed to make their heart flutter like they were teenage boys again, foolishly and helplessly in love, how he was full of mysteries and wonders, unexplored and unknowable, how he made Donghun and Junhee want to know him, crawl inside his skin and soul, discover every secret of his. Yuchan looked like just any other eighteen years old boy, but he was nothing like them. He carried entire universe within him, with its darkness and light, waiting to be explored.

 

*******

 

It took Yuchan a few days to notice that time tended to move faster whenever he was with Junhee and Donghun, his mind always busy and filled by the words the other two males told him, by the stories they whispered to him whenever he felt too tired to move, too exhausted and strengthless to do anything physical, by the sound of their laughter, by the sight of their smiles, gentle, comforting touches, intense gazes and quiet whisperes shared only among the three of them. They made Yuchan feel like he was part of something, part of someone, he had never been of. They made him feel things he had never felt before, wonder how things he had never been interested in before felt, his eyes always curiously, but cautiously darting around, silently noting every move and touch shared among the two lovers, their small habits and likes and dislikes, how their bodies moved, their voices carried and wavered, how they spoke and gazed, how they made him feel like he was not a plain, strange, broken boy he had always thought himself to be, he had always been told he was. They made him feel special and different and important and Yuchan found himself feeling at ease around them, comfortable and free, free from the cage of his own thoughts, his own mind, voices inside his head tuned out by Donghun’s and Junhee’s laughter, by hushed whispers of theirs. They made Yuchan feel lovely, interesting and worth spending their time with. They made him feel like no one had ever made him feel before. They wanted to spend time with him, comfort him, give him strength no matter how exhausted, how strengthless, how disinterested in everything he felt. They always managed to make him smile, ease his mind, pique his interest with unusual stories they would made up in the process of telling for him, with the stories Yuchan usually found himself to be a part of, with the stories that made Yuchan feel like he was part of someone else’s story, someone else’s life, someone else’s heart, someone else’s thoughts, stories that gave him unfamiliar feeling of hopefulness, made him wonder if it was time for him to be discovered, found, seen and accepted for however he was, strange, boring, plain, broken, but special for someone, interesting enough for someone, dear enough and lovely enough for someone else.

It didn’t take Yuchan much time to realize that both Donghun and Junhee were like wildfire spreading so quickly among the trees, hard to tame and stop. He found himself loving the feeling of it, found himself rushing towards it, jumping inside it willingly, letting it engulf his entire being with its flames. They were both forces Yuchan had never once in his life had come across and he wanted to know and learn more, about them, about how they came to be together, like this, this strong and unconquerable, this fearless and free, wild and unstoppable, full of love, laughter and smiles, masters of their own fates, bending it with their unyielding will to make their ends meet.

“The decision is up to you, Chan,” Junhee was saying, running his fingers through the younger’s hair. “And you only. No one else’s. I can’t promise you that it gets better and I can’t tell you if it gets worse than it already may be. I am not going to lie to you or put those ideas of life being so beautiful and kind inside your head only to have them become barriers for you to keep going once they get shattered to bits. Maybe it will get better, maybe it never will, but no one is going to tell you the right answer to this, you have to try and find out it yourself, in the process of burning, bending and breaking. Hiding and waiting is not going to change anything, it will just be another opportunity of finding out, knowing the answer yourself, wasted. Don’t regret, Chan, no matter how you decide to live, what choices you make, don’t have regrets. Regretting is what truly kills us inside and out, destroys our entire beings. Don’t try to make sense out of everything in life, don’t try to be logical about things, no matter what your mind tells you, don’t. Sometimes things doesn’t have to make sense, fit in some criteria of logic, sometimes you just have to force yourself to get up, no matter how impossible it seems, take a small step forward and trust life blindly. Trying and trying and trying, over and over, again and again, no matter how many times you fall, is the only way of knowing the answer, finding out if it gets better or not, if there is a happy ending in the end of the road waiting.”

“Sometimes we just have to trust that things will be okay, believe that it will get better no matter how impossible it seems, because life will always go on, Chan, sometimes in ways we don’t want to but it will go on, without waiting for us, it will be gone before we know and there will be nothing but regrets left. So, no matter which way it goes, try to fall in step with it, make it fall in steps with you and keep going. Some day it will change its path again and you will find yourself on the road you have always wanted to stumble upon and suddenly everything will make sense, all the pain, all the darkness, all the burns and thorns you have to go through, everything will make sense when it is the right time, when you are at the right place, with the right people, it will all fall together, piece by piece, in whatever shape you want it to.” Donghun added with gentle smile on his lips and Yuchan listened, let each word graze at him, burn against every bit of his being. Donghun and Junhee always knew what to say, how to put their thoughts into right words, how to show Yuchan the truth of living, finding happiness and peace. He was slowly coming to learn that there was no such thing as the right answer, there was only your own answer, the one you had to find yourself, right or wrong, it was yours and not someone else's. So he listened, swallowing each word, burning it against his heart and mind, so he would not forget, he would learn slowly, in his own pace, but he surely would.

“Sometimes we lost ourselves because we battle far too hard for things that aren’t meant to stay, Chan, for people who aren’t mean to be ours, for things that need to be let go of in order for us to breath freely, things that doesn’t need resistance. Sometimes no matter how hard it seems, how painful it is, we have to let go of things, of memories, of people, of past, in order for us to feel better, to leave the suffocating, unbearable pain behind. Sometimes the answer is not holding on, fighting until you have no strength left, until you don’t have nowhere else to go, sometimes the answer is letting go, of yourself, of others, of things. Don’t fight for things that are not meant to be fought for, because they will resist against you harder, drag you harder, hurt you harder and in the process of fighting for things that don’t need fighting, you lose yourself and you lose everything and everyone you might have kept if you have stopped fighting for things, against things that are out of your abilities to fight or keep.” Junhee's gentle hand found its way to Yuchan's cheek and the older slowly caressed his sun-burnt skin with his thumb, tender, sending shivers down Yuchan’s spine. He leaned in the touch, warmness and peacefulness embracing him in their welcoming arms. Junhee’s touch felt like it opened new door for Yuchan to walk inside. He had never felt welcomed inside the presence of warmness and peacefulness, but Junhee’s gentle touches and comforting caresses brought him closer to them than he had ever been in his life, made him feel closer to heaven than he had ever been. Yuchan, for the first time realized that maybe some touches could heal, were meant to heal, comfort, put someone at ease.

Yuchan already knew that he liked spending time with Donghun and Junhee, but in this moment, he felt it too strongly, boiling and irresistible. He found it impossible to push back, ignore and pay it no mind. It hit him all at once. He had come to love spending time with Donghun and Junhee, basking under their attention, peaceful and quiet, full of serenity, full of words that were meant to heal, tend wounds and ease pain caused by the words themselves. Yuchan had unconsciously come to love being with them, spending time with them, being around them, near them, close to them. He wanted to be close to them, as close as they were to each other, he wanted to be important part of their daily lives, their lives, them. They showed him life in different colors, in colors Yuchan had never known existed, Yuchan had never dreamt of. They showed him that life could be seen, painted and lived in different colors, only if you wanted it to, only if you tried to, only if you brave enough to jump inside the uncertainty and leave the fear of being hurt, being abandoned behind, if you were courageous enough to jump inside the fire even when you are afraid of burning. Donghun and Junhee understood him. They didn't ask questions, didn't pry to find out answers, didn't put him in uncomfortable spotlight for the sake of satisfying their curiosity of him. Compared to the other people, Yuchan had come across in life, they gave him a choice, leave it up to him whether he wanted to give an answer or not, they settled with whatever pieces of himself Yuchan gave away and revealed, gave him enough space to breath freely instead of suffocating him with their own presence. They gave him time to sort his thoughts out, get used to them slowly, little by little, step by step, on his own terms and not theirs. Yuchan had spent entirety of past few days with them and they had never once been judgmental of him, of his decisions, of the way he spoke, he had decided to live. They simply shared their thoughts, ideas and stories with Yuchan and left the decision up to him. Yuchan had never truly known how it felt to be understood, how good it felt to be understood, to be seen for how he truly was, how he wanted to be seen, for being himself, being cherished with his fears and pain. 

“Is it strange that I feel more understood by the people I have just met instead of people I have known for my entire life?” Yuchan wondered out loudly, bringing gentle smiles on both Donghun’s and Junhee’s faces. Donghun pushed himself upright, in a sitting position and reached out to caresses his hair.

“Sometimes you don’t have to know someone for too long for them to understand you, for you to understand them. Sometimes just a day, an hour, a minute is enough. Sometimes it’s people who we have never met before who understand us the best. Maybe because they don’t hold any prejudices against our decisions, choices, as people we have known for a long time do. Maybe they just see something familiar, something inexplicable, in you to understand, maybe there are those magical sparks drawing them close to you and giving them true understanding of your soul. What I have come to learn in life is that people, who you have never met before are not judgmental of you, their perception of you have not been influenced by what others think of you, say about you and most importantly, they have not built any expectations of you for themselves yet. They don't have expectations of how they want you to be, how they believe you to be, have to be. Their vision of you is as clean as a blank paper, unbiased and honest, which gives them an ability to understand you better, see you for who you really are and not how their minds have made you to be. That’s why it is always easier to share our stories, our struggles with strangers. They listen before they judge, they don’t hold any prejudices against us, you and your story is a blank paper for them and as they get to know you, they write on it slowly, sometimes twisting and turning your words and as the time goes, sometimes stories turn out to be different, too different from how it truly is, what you have really meant to tell. But there are also people who don’t write on their papers at all, because they want to keep their perception of you clean, see you without biased eyes, their own versions of you blurring their vision. People who understand your story just how you have told them it to be are people who are meant for you, Chan, they are the right people for you. You can always trust them to not twist and distort your words, your stories and understand you for who you truly are. Maybe this is not always the case, but this is what I have come to believe in. Just remember that your story can only be yours and it might be too different from the other people's stories most of the time, but it doesn't mean yours is not right.” Yuchan let Donghun’s words sink deep inside his mind, leave permanent mark of how he understood things. He found himself agreeing with the other man, this was exactly how he felt when he was with Junhee and Donghun, how he wanted to always feel when he was with Donghun and Junhee, truly understood, truly heard, truly seen for his own story and not someone else's version of how it should be. His mind wondered if this was how Donghun and Junhee were with each other, their papers blank, with no expectations of what and how they wanted each other to be.

“What about you? Do you not have any expectations of you? How your relationship has to be, how you want each other to be?” He voiced out the question hesitantly, looking for the right words. He was curious. He wanted to know how they were, how their relationship felt, if they were still strangers in love, papers blank and sights clean of any blemishes.

“We don’t have any.” Donghun told him as he stopped caressing his hair, patted him on the head twice before retreating his hand. “We love with our eyes closed and our hearts open.” He added, grinning. Junhee laughed at the other’s words and the sight of them laughing brought a small, content smile on Yuchan’s lips. He lifted his head up, propping his chin on his hand, gazing up at the two men before him, trying not to miss a thing.

“We start each morning as strangers every day. We know each other’s stories, but we erase everything we have written on the paper the day before, every expectation we might have made up for the other to be. It is clean again and we are ready to scribble down on it whatever we want once more. Instead of overwriting and smudging the words together with no place left anymore, we write neatly and slowly, plenty of place to write whatever, however we want left, before erasing it again for the next morning to come.” Junhee said as he slipped his hand in Donghun’s and laced their fingers together. Yuchan’s eyes trailed from their faces to their conjoined hands, wondering once again, how it felt to hold their hands, hold hands with both of them. Their words kept replaying themselves inside his head. _Strangers. Eyes closed and hearts open. In love. Eyes closed and hearts open. Strangers in love._ He wondered how it felt to love like this, be in a relationship like this. He wondered how it felt to be with Donghun and Junhee, how he would fit in as a third stranger, in love, eyes closed and heart open. He felt his heart burning in curiousity and desire. He wanted to be part of something like this, something so beautiful, so unique, so unfamiliar, something he had never seen before, he had never felt before. He wanted to be part of them, third stranger, in love.

He opened his mouth to say something, but he found it hard to gather the right words for putting his thoughts out, explain what he wanted to ask, what he wanted to know, so he closed it again, closed his eyes along with them and tried to imagine his own answer to his question, Donghun and Junhee and him, together, strangers, in love, their eyes closed and their hearts open.

“Hey guys, are you up there?” Yuchan wasn't sure how much later a voice he was slowly coming to grow familiar with came from the yard, disturbing the quiet around them and pulling him out of his own world. Donghun was quick to push himself up to look out from the balcony. Yuchan’s eyes followed the other man’s movements, feet bare and skin slightly burnt by the strong, playful summer sun. “Hey Hun, Byeongkwan and I are going fishing, do you guys wanna come along?” Sehyoon called up at the sight of one of his best friends.

Donghun immediately turned to look at him and Junhee for the answer, his eyes shifting from Yuchan to the other male and back. Yuchan also glanced up at Junhee and the older male broke into a wide grin, as if he understood something no one else had.

“Yeah, gives us a minute.” Junhee shouted as he pushed himself up to his feet, beckoning both Donghun and Yuchan to follow him, wide grin dancing on his lips. The other two trailed after him wordlessly. “Let’s catch some fish boys.” He spun around on the doorstep and cheered loudly before clasping their hands in his and dragging them inside the house.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> A new chapter, because I have neglected all the ideas I had for this story for so long and I have time to write as much as my inspiration will kindly let me now. I hope you will enjoy reading it.  
> I didn't get to fix mistakes, so I apologize for them.  
> Thank you so much for taking your time to read this story. I appreciate it a lot.  
> Take care.

 

**Chapter Fifteen**

 

_Angel's Belongingness..._

 

Yuchan trailed behind Donghun and Junhee as they went outside in the yard to meet with Byeongkwan and Sehyoon. The couple were sitting under one of the trees inside Junhee’s hand-made garden laughing over something as they waited for the others to join them. Yuchan averted his gaze from the sight in front of him. It made him feel out of place, Byeongkwan and Sehyoon laughing together, Donghun and Junhee brushing against one another at every step they took, while he walked behind them quietly, alone in his own universe. He didn't fit anywhere within the picture, no matter from which angle he tried to look at it. There was simply no place for him in there. But it wasn’t a foreign feeling for him. He had felt it before. A lot. So many times. He had never felt like a part of something or someone ever in his life, but today, everything felt too much, too unbearable, too irresistible, too hard to ignore for him, especially sudden feeling of loneliness slowly taking over him at each passing second. When he had been on the balcony alone with Donghun and Junhee he had felt as if he shared something with them, some kind of inexplicable bond, something so strange and magical, something he had never felt before, something he didn’t know how to explain, but walking behind them now, silently, to the couple under the tree made him wonder if it was only his imagination playing tricks with his wishful heart, his desire of being seen, being noticed, being part of something or someone else. He suddenly didn’t feel like going fishing, as much as he wanted to spend more time with Donghun and Junhee, he also wanted to escape the feeling of being unwanted growing bigger in his stomach with each hesitant step he took forward. He suddenly couldn’t bear feeling like this, not when he had felt, or imagined, how it felt to be wanted.

Donghun and Junhee came to a halt a step away from Sehyoon and Byeongkwan and he stopped a few feet away from them, hiding behind Donghun’s and Junhee’s backs, staring down at his unclothed feet. He heard Byeongkwan greet the others, cheerful and eager, just as he had always remembered him to be. He wondered if his cousin would even spare him a glance.

“Hey, Chan.” His head whipped up at the unexpected call of his name. Sehyoon had pushed himself up to his feet from the ground and was giving him a gentle smile over Junhee’s shoulder.

“H.. Hey.” He returned back, soft and faint. He didn’t expect Sehyoon to greet him. He didn’t expect his existence to get acknowledged at all, especially by someone he had never really talked to before.

He met eyes with his cousin for a brief moment, uncomfortable and heavy. He was the first to turn his face away. He hadn’t talk to Byeongkwan since the day he had flung himself into the unforgiving waves of the sea three years ago, not really. They still shared small greetings in the morning or over the dinner if they happened to cross each other's path, but that was all. Yuchan couldn’t face Byeongkwan. Byeongkwan saw someone else in his younger cousin every time he looked at him. Yuchan didn’t blame him. He didn’t blame anyone, but himself. Just like everything else today, being in Byeongkwan’s presence also felt heavy. He felt ashamed, but of what he wasn’t sure. He tried to convince himself there was nothing he should be ashamed of, but his mind tried harder to convince him otherwise.

“Jeonghwan let us borrow some of his equipments and shared some of his secret places for fishing, so we are going there.” Sehyoon explained to them when Junhee inquired about their plans.

“If you are ready we should go. It’s just outside of the village. Around ten minute drive away.” Byeongkwan hoisted up one of the fishing creels and slung it over his shoulder, pair of fishing rods clutched in his other hand.

Yuchan hesitantly tugged onto Junhee’s oversized shirt, silently asking for his attention as the others proceeded to move away. Junhee glanced back at him, frowning slightly in question.

“What’s it, Chan?” He asked, fully turning on his heels to face the younger. Yuchan felt his face burning.

“I.. I.. I think.. I want to stay behind.” He stuttered out, releasing his hold on the other's shirt.

“Why? Is everything alright?” Junhee stepped closer to him and Yuchan had to hold himself from stepping back as a reflex. His already muddled mind tended to get more jumbled up in the other’s presence.

“Y.. Yes.. I.. I..” He started, but trailed off. He didn’t have an excuse. He couldn’t tell Junhee how he felt. The thought of how the other man might react terrified him.

“Jun, Chan, are you not coming?” Donghun poked his head inside the gate, waving them closer. Yuchan glanced up at him before lowering his eyes back on the ground. Junhee turned to look at his lover.

“Give us a minute.” Junhee called back as he blindly reached for Yuchan and clasped his arm in his hand, pulling him closer.

“Is there something wrong?” Yuchan heard concern in Donghun’s voice. Junhee made some gestures he couldn’t clearly see by the corner of his eye and the gate closed with distant sound of creaking. Donghun left without asking more questions.

“Come on, sit down.” Junhee lowered himself on the ground under the shadows of the tree, pulling him down along himself.

“But the others…” Yuchan tried to reason, but the other male hushed him.

“They can wait.” Junhee sounded firm and his hold on Yuchan’s arm felt just as firm as his tone. He opened his mouth once more, but the look in Junhee’s eyes made him close it again. The man looked determined, like he had sat his mind on finding out what was bothering Yuchan and there was no point in arguing with him. Not that Yuchan had any will to argue, with Junhee or anyone else, about anyone or anything. “We are not going anywhere until you tell me what is causing you unrest, okay? We are not going anywhere until you tell me.”

“I.. I can’t..” Yuchan tried to pull his arm away from the other's grip. He didn’t want to talk about it.

“You should try. At some point you have to try, Chan.” Junhee didn’t release his arm, just held onto tighter.

“I can’t.. It.. It is stupid and you..” He choked out, felt tears starting to gather in the corner of his eyes, threatening to fall. “I don’t wa.. want you to.. to find me stu.. stupid.. I don’t want to..” Junhee released his arm to cup his face in his hands, hushing him.

“Calm down, Chan. Breath, okay? Slowly. Yes, like this. I’m not going to force you to tell me anything, okay? But I'm going to tell you something and I want you to listen well, okay? Calm down and let’s do it slowly, alright?” He managed to give the other a slight nod after taking a few deep breaths. Junhee wouldn’t force him to talk about things he didn’t want to. Junhee wasn’t like other people. Junhee was different. He cared for how Yuchan felt. He wouldn’t make him talk about things he didn’t want to. “Better now?” Junhee asked, gently patting him on the cheek. He took Yuchan’s trembling hand in his after receiving a nod from the younger. “I want to tell you something and I want you to think about it.” Yuchan nodded once more, wiping at his face with the sleeve of his t-shirt.

“I don’t know what you are afraid of, Chan, what is stopping you at this very moment, and I think I won’t be able to fully understand even if you were to explain it to me in the exact details, because we are two different people, who feel things different, have different stories and experiences, look at life in different shades, but there is this one thing that I think should be in common for everyone. And maybe you have never really thought of it before, but I want to think about it now, maybe not in this exact moment, but sometime when you feel like doing so.” Junhee stopped for a brief moment to make sure Yuchan was calm enough and was able to concentrate on what he was saying.

“Life is full of unanswered questions, most people never get to find out answers to all of them, no matter how much they try and devote their lives to it, because life is meant to be like this, full of unanswered questions, Chan, full of uncertainty that causes us to tremble in fear, but that doesn’t mean we should not try to seek the answers, try our best at finding as much of them as possible. You can say it's some kind of game, where we should try to snatch as much answers out of life’s hands as possible, at any opportunity it might accidently expose to us before it manages to take all the possibilities of asking the questions away from us. We should try to gather as much courage as we can find in ourselves, because it's the courage to seek those answers that continues to give meaning to our lives. If you give up on trying to find them, because you keep stumbling upon the answers that scare you, cause you pain, are something you didn't want to find when you startled looking for them, you will never get to find the ones that comfort you, put you at ease, give you so much freedom and happiness. We can spend our lives wallowing in despair, wondering why we were the ones who were led towards the road strewn with pain, or we can be grateful that we are strong enough to survive it. I don’t fully agree with people who say that pain makes us stronger, because sometimes it doesn’t make us anything, sometimes it just hurts so much, to the extent where it makes us hate our lives, but some other times it does make us stronger, because we have already gone through so much before and going through hell once more doesn’t scare us anymore. Nothing can hurt us as much as we have already hurt once. We should learn from our experiences, Chan, bad or good, they shape us into who we are. They always leave lessons for us to be learned and we should find courage in all of them, courage to be happy, courage to be loved and love, courage to go through something unpleasant once again, courage to endure all the hardships life throws us at, so we can proudly say that we have gone through everything and haven't lost courage to look for our happiness. We should learn from the lessons our experiences leave behind for us, because they are what makes us – us, humans who had gone through so much pain, but have not lost their courage, have continued to keep on living, have tried to find the answers and give meaning to their life, no matter how hard, how unbearable it got. There is nothing a human being can't get used to and become accostumed with, Chan. We get used to pain, loss, hurt, sadness, happiness, love, everything we let ourselves to become accustomed with. It is in our nature, Chan, to move on, to try and forget things that no longer bring happiness to us, that no longer carry their usual meaning. And it's a good thing to do. We don't have to cling onto everything in life. Sometimes it's necessary to let go of pain, of memories, of old habits, of feelings, of people, of ourselves. It's hard and it takes time, but it is something that lays in our nature and slowly, painfully, we learn how to carry on. Do you not think you have become so used of living like this? Hidden away from the outside world, caged inside your own comfort zone, alone with your thoughts, even though all you wanna do is run away from them, leave them somewhere behind along the road, but you can’t, because it is something you have learned how to do, you have not let yourself see the other way, too hesitant, maybe too disappointed of what you have seen somewhere else before, maybe because others have made you choose this path, forced you into hiding like this. It could be you, Chan, or it could be them, or both - you and them, it could be everyone and everything and I understand, maybe not fully, but in my own ways of understanding, I understand how terrifying it might be to be forced out of something you have long been used to and have not learned anything else besides doing things that way, acting that way, speaking that way, feeling that way, but it is necessary to force yourself out of that zone, Chan. You won't get better, things won't get better if you continue hiding and running away like that. Let people you trust give you a little push, land you some of their courage.” Junhee told him, calm and careful, his words thinking deep down inside Yuchan’s mind. He felt them in every fiber of his body, felt them leave permanent mark against his skin. He felt the truth of Junhee’s words more than he had ever felt something before.  _You won't get better, things won't get better if you continue hiding and running away like that. Let people you trust give you a little push, land you some of their courage._

“What do I do if I have no one to trust?” He voiced out the first thought that came up on the surface of his muddled mind, hesitant and unsure, afraid of the answer he might receive. A kind, gentle smile stretched out on Junhee’s lips as the other male squeezed his hand in comfort.

“There always is someone, Chan or there will be. This is why it takes us so long to move on. This is why healing and changing is different for everyone. Because we need the right time, right circumstances, right people for it and they come at different times for different people. What matters is that we should not let fear stop us from taking the opportunity given to us, sometimes it only comes once, sometimes there will not be more than one chance. This is why you have to use each one you come across, in case it is the right people, right place, right time for you to move on and learn how to carry on. It is not easy, Chan, it is hard, but you have to do it, you have to find your own happiness, it won't come to you by itself, you will stumble across people and places that might be the reason of your happiness, but if you won't take the opportunity you will never know, happiness is closer when we least expected it to be, when its existence is hard to imagine, when we are about to give up. It does not have to come in big things, but in little, every day things that make your heart flutter and bring smile on your face. No one can make this decision for you, Chan, it's all up to you. You have to make your own choice, maybe you will hurt, maybe you will find your peace and happiness, no one can tell you for sure, but it is better to keep trying because one day, some day, Chan, you will stumble across it and all the pain you have felt and endured while looking for it will look worth going through. It is hard, I can tell you that, I am sure you know that better than I do, but you shouldn’t give up on looking for it, Chan, you have to keep trying until life gives you what you truly need. You should fight for it, Chan, we all have to fight for it, and if life isn’t willing to willingly give you happiness, then you have to snatch the answers out of its hands, take as much of them as you can. I don’t know your story well enough, Chan, but I am going to tell you this - you can play it safe, continue the way you have been going until now, hidden away in your own world, in the familiarity of it, and I wouldn't blame you for it. I wouldn't blame you for it even once, because you have come to learn this to be the only way for you to survive, but is this what you want, Chan? Is this enough? Is this what you need? Does it make you happy? Does it make you feel alive? Does it bring you joy and happiness? Put your hand on your chest and say it honestly, do you want to keep going like this, Chan? Do you want to survive, but don’t live at all?” Junhee lifted Yuchan’s hand, he had clasped in his, and placed it on the other’s madly beating heart. Yuchan was sure Junhee could hear it, feel it going mad under their palms. It was trying to rip Yuchan's chest apart and set itself free. Yuchan had kept it caged for so long and it was no longer willing to fit inside the cage. It desired to be set free, free of his owner’s fears and insecurities, free of poisonous thoughts of his onwer's mind. It was courageous, but Yuchan wasn’t. His mind made sure he felt nothing, but fear in every part of his being.

“No, no, no.” Yuchan started, shaking his head repeatedly in response. “No. I hate being like this, living like this, but I can’t do anything about it, Junhee. I wish I could, but my mind won’t let me. I'm a prisoner of my own mind, I have been for a long time and I don’t think it’s possible for me to change, for this to change.” He knew he needed to change. He wanted to change. He had tried to change, but had ended up hurling himself into the furious waves.

“I know, Chan. I know it’s hard, it’s harder than I think it is. I know it has been hard on you and you have been alone in this fight for so long, but you aren’t anymore. You don’t have to be anymore. If you let me. If you let Donghun and I, us, we are willing to accompany you in this fight, help you stand up no matter how many times you fall. I know, it’s going to be hard, I have seen someone go through the same road with my own eyes, have land help with my own hands, but it is possible, Chan. I have seen it being possible for someone else and I want it to be possible for you. It gets better only if you truly fight for it to get better, for you to get better, if you let others help you. It’s hard to fight on your own, but it’s easier with others by your side. And Donghun and I, we are here to land you as much help as you may need on your way to getting better. It will be hard, but I want you to trust us and try. We will explore or do a thing a day that is out of your comfort zone, but you have always wanted to try. We will take it slow and we will be by your side to pull you up every time you fall, every time you will need someone to tend your wounds, give you courage. All we ask of you, Chan, is to try, one more time, trust us and try again.” Yuchan felt himself shiver, felt his heart shake, his mind screaming at him in agony, in mad confusion of what to think, what to believe, protesting against the unfamiliar surge of hopefulness filling up his entire being. He parted his lips to say something, but his words died down in his throat when he caught the sight of Donghun walking toward them over Junhee’s shoulder, glowing under the sun, seeming like an angel that had just descended from the heaven above. _Trust us. We will accompany you. Try again. Trust us and try. We will accompany you. Try again. Trust us. We. You. Us._ Yuchan’s mind was in chaos, everything felt too much, too unfamiliar, too strange, too good to be true, too unreal, too magical, too outside of his world and he found himself blinking up at Junhee, wondering if they were part of his daydream, or if he was really sitting under the tree with Junhee, while Donghun made his way to them. _Trust us and try. We. You. Us. Try._

Junhee squeezed his hand, lovely smile dancing on his lips. He felt Donghun’s fingers coming in touch with the nape of his neck, gently caressing Yuchan's sunburnt skin. It felt too real to be a dream. Too good to be true, but it was real. It was happening around him, with him, to him. It was real. He was no longer daydreaming. _We. You. Us._

“Avoiding things, people, isn’t going to make them better, Chan. Time doesn’t make anything better if you don’t try to make it better yourself. Just time itself can’t do all the work. Maybe you will get used to it with time, but it won’t fix things itself. Situation will still be the same, people will still remain the same, you will still stay the same, when you aren’t supposed to stay the same, when others aren’t supposed to be the same, when situation needs to be changed, Chan.” Donghun murmured against his neck before his hand disappeared from the back of Yuchan's head, but stopped in front of his face instead, arm reached out, asking him silently to take it. “Will you go fishing with us, Chan?” Yuchan glanced at Junhee next to him. The other male nodded at Donghun’s awaiting hand with his head, flashing him an encouraging smile. _Make the move, Chan. Change it. Trust them and try again. You and them. Us._

He reached up hesitantly and clutched onto Donghun’s hand with his trembling fingers. The other male hoisted him up with ease, coming face to face with one another. Donghun smiled at him, as encouraging as his lover’s. Something inside Yuchan’s stomach exploded into gazillions of madly fluttering butterflies, his heart finally managed to rip his chest apart and set itself free.

“Let’s go.” Junhee said as he took Yuchan’s hand in his and led both, him and Donghun towards the gate.

Yuchan now no longer had to wonder how holding hands with Donghun and Junhee felt. It felt like heaven, a place Yuchan had been once forcefully torn away from, a place Yuchan had fallen out of in the process of searching for the right place. He was holding hands with Donghun and Junhee and it felt like he was holding heaven in his hands.

 

*******

 

The air inside the car felt awkward when three of them got inside. Sehyoon was occupying the driver’s side, while Byeongkwan had seated himself on the passenger seat next to him. Yuchan found himself squished between Donghun and Junhee, both their hands resting on his trembling knees, squeezing them in silent form of encouragement. Yuchan felt nothing, but butterflies inside his entire being.

He made eye contact with Sehyoon through the rearview mirror, flushing crimson red instantly when the other gave him a small smile. He turned his face away, embarrassed, looking out of the window.

“Any song recommendations?” Byeongkwan asked few seconds of silence later, gathering their attention on him.

“We will leave it up to your taste.” Junhee told him when no one gave out any suggestions. Byeongkwan hummed in return and pressed a play button of the radio. The first song that came up sounded strangely familiar to Yuchan, but he wasn’t sure where he had heard it before. It was calm and soothing. Byeongkwan didn’t change it, instead he turned up the volume and let the comforting voice fill the entire car. Yuchan leaned back and closed his eyes, getting lost in the world the singer was trying to tell. He heard soft humming coming from his sides. Donghun and Junhee were singing along. It felt utterly comforting. Yuchan forced his eyes open and concentrated on their voices. They sounded beautiful, their voices melting together like honey, so different, but so fitting of one another at the same time. Yuchan wanted to hum along, to see if his own would fit in with them just like theirs did, but didn’t. He didn’t have enough courage. He was afraid of hearing the answer. A heavy sigh left his lips as he closed his eyes again. _Trust us and try._ He wished he was brave enough. He trusted them. He wanted to try. He just didn’t know how.

He felt a warm hand slipping into his, lacing their fingers together. He didn’t open his eyes. He didn’t need to know who it was. He just wanted to enjoy the comforting feeling it brought him. Another hand joined in a few seconds later, wrapping around already conjoined hands, fitting perfectly around it.

Yuchan felt as part of something. He was part of someone, a perfect missing piece of someone’s unfinished puzzle, finally being discovered at the very end of the dark box. It felt strange, but it was something he had wanted for so long, he had needed for so long, to be found, to be seen, to be discovered, to be part of someone’s story, part of someone’s puzzle, part of someone's life. He loved the feeling. He felt secure, comforted, at ease by it, his mind complete jumbled mess, full of fluttering, wild butterflies instead of the thoughts Yuchan wanted nothing, but run away from. For the first time in so long, he didn’t want to hide, he didn’t want to run away, he wanted to stay and be seen. He wanted to be touched, felt, called, burning sensation of feathery touches and intense gazes filling him, making him feel as complete as he had ever felt. For once, he didn’t feel pain, he didn't feel unbearable ache in his heart. He felt something so strange and unfamiliar, but he wanted to continue feeling it. He didn’t want the feeling to disappear. He wanted it to linger against his skin, inside his skin, remain with him for eternity. He loved this feeling, so unfamiliar and so inexplicable, he loved it.

“Here we go.” Sehyoon's voice brought him back to present. His eyes blinked open as he pushed himself up. The radio was off, Byeongkwan already half-way out of the car. They had stopped in front of a quiet, forgotten seashore. He looked down at the conjoined hands on his lap, Donghun had his fingers wrapped around his and Junhee’s hands.

“Let’s go.” Junhee murmured quietly as he pushed the door on his side open and proceeded to carefully slip outside. Donghun’s hand was the first to disappear, followed after Junhee’s. Yuchan stared down at his curled up fingers on his lap. The feeling of their hands still lingered on his. “Come, Chan.” Junhee whispered softly and beckoned him outside of the car. Yuchan glanced at his hand one last time before climbing out of the car, warm sea breeze immediately rushing to kiss his face, carrying familiarity of Donghun’s and Junhee’s hands. He followed the others quietly behind. He didn’t feel left out. For once, he felt belonging.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> I've been trying to update this chapter for three days, but every time I got started on it something came up. I hope you will enjoy reading it.  
> We will hear more of Byeongkwan's and Sehyoon's story in the next chapter.  
> Thank you so much for reading and leaving kudos and comments behind. They are greatly appreciated.  
> I didn't get to fix mistakes, so I apologize for them.  
> Take care.

 

**Chapter Sixteen**

 

_Safe.._

 

“Is everything alright with him?” Sehyoon asked Donghun as he sat down beside his best friend on a rock, both of them waiting for fish to get caught on their fishing hooks.

Donghun glanced at him before turning to look at Yuchan who was sitting on the edge of the rock quite far from them. The younger male was staring at something invisible ahead, gaze fixed on the endless, blue horizon in front of him. He looked unreal – sun shining down on him, waves crashing against the rock beneath his dangling feet, silent and unmoving. Donghun wasn't sure if he looked lonely or content. Maybe both. The sight was captivating either way.

“Jun says he will be fine, that he needs some time, but I don't know.” Donghun turned back to Sehyoon a minute later. “I think you can understand it better than us.” He didn't smile, but Sehyoon heard it in the other's voice. He had to bite back his own smile, nodding along Donghun’s words.

“You’re right. I think I do. Maybe I should talk to him.” Sehyoon voiced out his thoughts and waited for Donghun to give him some kind of reaction in return, approve or disapprove with the idea. Donghun felt silent for a few minutes, staring at the water under them.

“Maybe you should. Wouldn’t it be better to hear words of reassurement from someone who had gone through the same instead of someone who only has theoretical knowledge of things?” Donghun said, brows furrowed in concentration.

“Only theoretical?” Sehyoon leaned forward to get a better look at him. “You and Junhee had gone through so much with me. No matter how hard it got you two were always there to remind me that with everything bad also came good, pointed me to the right direction when I was completely lost, accompanied me all the way to my journey, from the very begenning to until this very moment. Don’t sell yourself so short, Donghun. I know you have more than theoretical knowledge of things. You guys know what it's like to help heal someone who was broken to the extent he considered it impossible for him to be healed.” Sehyoon said before putting his fishing rod aside and getting up.

“Talk to him. He needs it.” Donghun told him and Sehyoon didn’t need to hear more. He knew the importance of having someone, talking to someone, sharing your thoughts and troubles with someone who had experienced the same thing. He had wished for someone like that a lot years ago. Maybe he could be that someone for Yuchan, someone he could talk to, he could hear, listen to, someone he could share his story with. Sehyoon didn’t know much about Yuchan’s story. He had heard and picked bits of it here and there, but he went over to where the younger male was sitting with the only thought of offering even the slightest bit of help to him.

He knew he wouldn’t be able to do much, didn't expect himself to be much of help, because his story was his own and Yuchan’s story was Yuchan’s. They were two different people and they saw and experienced things in completely different ways. Sehyoon had seen two different people feeling and acting differently in the exact same situation, because of the ways they percieved things. A glass was half full or half empty depending on how one chose to look at it. He didn't expect much, but hoped to leave some kind of impact on at least one of the chapters of Yuchan’s story.

 

**Chapter Seventeen**

 

Yuchan loved sea. He loved it even though it awakened memories he tried so hard to out run and forget. It made him feel at peace. He loved the sea. He loved it the most when no one was around to disturb the quiet around him, only Yuchan and the quiet waves. He had tried to stay around the others while they fished until it got too loud for his comfort and while everyone had been distracted and busy with fishing Yuchan had quietly slipped away from them. He had wandered around in search of a comfortable place and had finally found a huge rock a bit far away from where the others were completely engrossed in fishing.

Yuchan loved the feeling of waves crashing against him. He found it both distracting and comforting, so he let them wash his thoughts and worries away every time they came and crashed against his bare feet. Yuchan forgot to think when he was busy enjoying the lingering sensation of waves splashing against his legs, each droplet they left behind on Yuchan's exposed skin serving as a silent sign that they have come and left. They took his thoughts away every time they left, went back to where they had come from, took his worries with them and buried them somewhere on the other end of the universe, somewhere impossible for them to return from, not until he was sitting on the same spot, enjoying the feeling of waves crashing against him. _Came and left. Came and left. Took his worries away. Came and left. Again and again._

Faint sound of someone finding their way down to where he was sitting on the rock caught his attention. He glanced back over his shoulder and was left surprised to find Sehyoon climbing down.

“Hey.” Sehyoon waved in a greeting when he caught on that Yuchan had noticed him approaching. Yuchan gave him a slight nod in return, legs starting to move back and forth nervously to where they were dangling inside the water. “Do you mind some company?” Sehyoon asked as he finally climbed down, hesitant to sit down next to him.

Yuchan had never really talked to him before and the other man’s behaviour caught him off guard. He swallowed nervously before nodded his head. Sehyoon sat down on one of the other rocks an arm reach away from him. Yuchan didn’t know much about the older male, but he thought Sehyoon to be nice. He seemed kind. He had never once turned a blind eye on Yuchan’s existence purposely before.

“Don’t like fishing, huh?” Sehyoon was the first to break the silence when it started to get heavy on their shoulders.

“I have never been fishing before.” Yuchan told him as he fixed his gaze on his feet under the water and kicked one across the surface.

“Why don’t try now?” Sehyoon inquired again. Yuchan simply shrugged him off. He didn’t want to try. He didn’t want to catch fish. He hated the idea of harming another living creature, something that had life inside it, something that fought to stay alive. He couldn’t do that.

They felt silent once again, both of them gazing at horizon, eyes distant and mind wondering. Yuchan was starting to feel strangely comfortable in the other man’s presence. Sehyoon blended perfectly with silence, with their surroundings. Yuchan dared himself to steal a quick glance of the other, but when he turned his head Sehyoon was already looking back at him. Yuchan immediately turned his face away. He heard Sehyoon laugh, loud, hearty laughter, but it wasn’t mocking. It was just there, stirred out of the other’s lungs by his actions, cheery and carefree. Yuchan wondered how it was possible to laugh like this, If he could ever laugh like this.

Sehyoon’s laughter faded away and left nothing, but comfortable silence behind. There was some kind of inexplicable familiarity between them. Yuchan didn’t know what it was. He didn’t try to explain. It was just there and he tried to enjoy it.

“I did it too, you know.” Sehyoon said after a while, simple and casual. Yuchan’s head immediately whipped up to look at him. He wasn't sure if he had heard the other right, his mind too distracted to comprehend what Sehyoon was saying.

“Did what?” The words left Yuchan’s mouth easier than he had expected. It was still breathy and shaky, but he didn't found it sickening to ask for the confirmation.

“I’m a survivor too, Chan.” Sehyoon started, eyes fixed on something far ahead. “I survived myself when it was in the darkest, scariest, hopeless place where light doesn’t reach. There are only walls around you, suffocating, growing closer and closer on you each passing day, forcing you down to the ground until you feel nothing, but pain, until all hope is gone, until you are left with nothing, but complete darkness and unbearable pain. But I too, Chan, survived. Because I let the others help me crack the walls down little by little, stone by stone and let the light slowly slip in.”

Yuchan didn’t say anything. He didn't know what to say, how to react. He let Sehyoon’s words slowly sink in. Sehyoon was a survivor. Just like him. Sehyoon had gone through the same thing and still could laugh like this, so hard, so unguarded, so freely.

“What did you do?” He asked, turning his body around to look at him. He had never thought it would feel so easy to talk about such things. 

“Tried to jump off the building.” Sehyoon told him and Yuchan expected to see pain in his eyes, but there was none of it inside them when Sehyoon look up at him. He could only see fire. Sehyoon wasn’t afraid of telling his story.

“Does Byeongkwan know?” He wondered out loudly and Sehyoon’s eyes tried to find Byeongkwan over his shoulder. Yuchan turned his head to look at his cousin. Byeongkwan was laughing at Junhee who was struggling to pull his fishing rod out of the water.

“He does. I told him after the night of storm.” Sehyoon said, gaze still on Byeongkwan.

“What did he say?” Yuchan asked and held his breath as he waited for the answer.

“That he loves me and is glad we got to meet.” Sehyoon must had noticed the impact his words had on Yuchan. “He also said that he misses you and would do anything for you to let him in.” He tilted his head to the side and added, looking at him, encouraging smile stretching out on his lips.

“He doesn’t. He.. He.. He never..” Yuchan trailed off. He didn’t know what to say. Byeongkwan avoided him like a plague. He used to run away every time Yuchan walked in the same room as him, made excuses to avoid spending time with him, didn't even look at his direction most of the time. He struggled to believe that what Sehyoon had said was true.

“Maybe in the beginning he did try to run away and forget what he had seen. It was hard on him too. It is always hard on people who love us and care for us, Chan. I don’t blame anyone who had turned away from me. I try to understand them. You shouldn’t blame him. Yes, it was wrong of him to act the way he did, but you have to understand him too. He loves you, Chan. He cares for you. And, believe me he wants to talk with you so much.”

“But he.. He..” Yuchan stammered. His mind struggled to fully comprehend what Sehyoon was telling him.

“Doesn’t greet you? Can’t look you in the eye?” Sehyoon suggested and Yuchan nodded at the other’s words, fingers grasping the hem of his t-shirt tightly. “He feels ashamed of himself for leaving you behind when you needed him the most. Regretting is eating him away. I tried to convince him otherwise, but he’s afraid you won’t forgive him, that you will push him away, won’t give him a chance.”

“I.. I want to.. to talk with him too. I’ve.. I’ve never blamed him. I.. I just thought.. I had always thought he hated me and wanted to do nothing with me.” Yuchan admitted, looking down on his lap. The way Byeongkwan had acted with him when they had first met after that day had convinced him that his cousin hated him, was ashamed of him, didn't want to talk to him ever again. He had been trying to avoid Byeongkwan since then, hide from him just like he did to escape from the rest of the world.

“Try talking to him.” Sehyoon encouraged with a gentle smile. “It’s something you both need.”

“But.. I..” Yuchan wanted to refuse the idea, but Junhee’s and Donghun’s words rang through his head, repeating themselves again and again. _Make the move, Chan. Change it. Trust others and try again._ He gave Sehyoon a firm nod, a silent promise that he would talk with Byeongkwan, a silent promise to himself that he would try to stop running away.

“We both survived for a reason, Chan, you and I. We survived, because the world has other plans for us, maybe it wants to show us life isn’t as worthless as we had once thought it to be, maybe it wants us to see the other way, the one we have been too blinded by the pain to see, to seek out, to reach out. We survived and there’s a duty for us, for every survivor like you and I – keep on living. Try our best at it, no matter how ugly life gets. Even if it’s not anywhere near perfect, it’s still our lives and we were given a second chance at it, a chance we shouldn't let slip away from our desperate fingers easily and make use of. We have to keep on living, in pain, in happiness, in hurt, in love, we have to keep on living, because life didn’t give up on us once and we shouldn’t give up on it again.” Sehyoon held his hand out for him and Yuchan accepted it hesitantly. They both were survivors, of themselves, of their own different stories, but they had survived and life had given them a second chance. They had survived for a reason, to rise up from their ashes and learn how to live again, how to fly high and soar the sky again, this time featherless, demaged, broken, but trying to heal. Maybe it wasn’t too late for Yuchan to learn how to laugh like Sehyoon did. Maybe there would come a day he would laugh like Sehyoon did – carefree and hearty, once shattered into thousand pieces, but healing, learning slowly how to live again, without wings, but still willing to conquer the sky.

“The time will come when it stops hurting every day, Chan. I, too, once thought it wouldn't, but it does.” Sehyoon gave his hand a gentle squeeze. “It won’t stop hurting completely, I don’t think this to be possible, but instead of only bad days, they will be both – bad and good days. And you will come to realize that going through the bad ones are worth of all the good days to come. This is the only way of genuinely cherishing what we have, only after we have seen both sides, been on both sides, we start to truly appreciate life, with all the good and bad it has to offer us.” Sehyoon got up from the ground and pulled him up gently along himself.

“Trust people who love you and care about you and let them teach you how to live again.” Sehyoon whispered as he jumped over one of the rocks and started to slowly climb up, Yuchan’s hand still in his, leading the way up, to the new beginning, to where Junhee, Donghun and Byeongkwan waited for them to return.

_Let them teach you how to live again._

_Keep on living._

_The time will come when it stops hurting every day._

_The time will come..._

Yuchan tuned the voices out and thought that maybe it was still possible for him to laugh like Sehyoon did.

 

**Chapter Eighteen**

 

Yuchan adjusted a fishing hat Junhee had forced on his head when he and Sehyoon had rejoined them before leaning over the rocks and inspecting the surface closely. The water under was clear and he could see everything beneath it perfectly. After few seconds of looking around later he caught the sight of a lone fish circling around one of the fishing lure in the water, trying to steal it without sentencing itself to death. Yuchan glanced up to see if anyone was paying any attention on him before sticking his hand inside and moving it around, trying to shoo the fish away.

“Having fun, ha?” Yuchan heard Junhee laugh next to him and before he could react to the other’s words Junhee splashed water on his face.

Yuchan instantly pushed himself up on his knees, startled, coming face to face with the older male.

“I didn’t me..” He started to mumble more to himself than for Junhee to hear, but the other only shook his hand in the air dismissively, laughing at Yuchan's attempt to find an excuse.

“I won’t tell anyone.” Junhee promised, wide grin plastered on his face. He reached up with his fingers to wipe droplets of water out of Yuchan’s face and the younger found himself leaning in the other’s touch, eyes fluttering close and enjoying the unfamiliar sensation of Junhee’s cool fingers grazing his burning cheeks.

“You’re so lovely, Chan.” Junhee whispered as his fingers continued to paint Yuchan’s face. He felt himself blushing. No one had ever told him that. No one had ever called him lovely. Yuchan had seen many things lovely, had many things he considered to be lovely, but he had never thought himself to be one.

He opened his eyes slowly, gazing at Junhee through his lashes. A small, warm smile had replaced the wide grin on Junhee’s face. Yuchan thought him to be lovely. Junhee was the loveliest person he had ever met. Unbearably lovely.

“Stop stealing our fish.” Junhee broke back into a wide grin and Yuchan opened his mouth to answer, but before he could say anything another wave of water came splashing on his face. He huffed, startled and pushed himself back and away from Junhee, shaking his head from left to right.

Yuchan struck his hand in the water and before he could register what he was doing splashed handful of water on Junhee’s face. The realization of what he had just done hit him right after the sound of Junhee's laughter stopped abruptly. Yuchan instantly scrambled on his feet, surprised by his own actions, eyes blown wide in shock. Junhee remained forzen in surprise for a few seconds before bursting into a loud fit of laughter.

“Ooohhh, so that’s how you play.” He sang song, face scrunched up in a playful grin. Yuchan opened his mouth to apologize, but Junhee didn’t let him finish. He cupped water in his hands and threw it at Yuchan.

It came as surprise to him again. He stepped back within a safe distance before reaching down and splashing back at Junhee. The older male kept laughing in return, his cheerful, loud laughter deafening their entire surroundings. They continued back and forth for a little while before a threat coming from a familiar voice pulled them out of their own world.

“Yah, you two, don't make me come down there. You are scaring fish away.” Donghun had gotten up from where he had been sitting on the ground and was sending glares at their direction. Junhee laughed at his warning, while Yuchan rolled on his back, chest heaving, unfamiliar sensation of joy running through his bones.

“That was fun.” Junhee told him as he hovered over Yuchan’s stretched out body, smiling down at him. Yuchan searched for the right words to say, but couldn’t find any. He gave Junhee a slight nod in return before covering his flushed face with the fishing hat. He couldn’t see the older’s expression, but heard him laugh before moving away.

 

**Chapter Nineteen**

 

Yuchan paddled over to where Junhee was sprawled out on the sand, waves running over his body as they came and went. The sun had already moved across the horizon, changing colors of both sky and sea along with it. Yuchan liked sunset, but right now it only meant having to do something he didn't want to do. Junhee opened his eyes when Yuchan came to a stop beside to him.

“Hey.” Junhee grinned up at him, pushing himself upright.

“H.. Hey.” Yuchan crouched down next to the other, trying to find the right words to express himself. Junhee must had noticed his distress. He reached out and squeezed Yuchan’s shoulder in encouragement.

“Tell me what is it, Chan.”

“I.. I have to.. I have to go back.” He managed a few seconds later, eyes casted downwards.

“Are you alright?” Junhee’s fingers slipped under his chin and gently tilted his head up. Yuchan came face to face with the older male.

“I have to.. Medication. I have to take it.” He forced the words out of his mouth and Junhee nodded in understanding. He pushed himself up from the sand and helped Yuchan up.

“Come, Donghun will drive you back.” Junhee tugged on his wrist, pulling him to where Donghun and Sehyoon were starting a fire.

“But he..” Yuchan tried to protest quietly, but his voice died down in his throat. He didn’t want to disturb them. He had just wanted to warn Junhee before leaving. He could walk back to the village. He was used to walking around alone aimlessly.

“He needs to go back either way. Sehyoon forgot to bring some of the things.” Junhee made it clear for him that there was no room for an argument and Yuchan followed the older silently. “You will come back, won't you?” Junhee asked as they neared the others. Yuchan didn’t know. He was not sure if it was okay to come back.

“I.. It will take some time.” He mumbled quietly and Junhee hummed in understanding.

“It’s okay. Take your time. He can wait for you.” Junhee reassured before releasing his wrist and going up to Donghun.

It took Donghun few more minutes to finish setting up the fire. He seemed in hurry and Yuchan was sure it was all because of him and whatever Junhee had whispered to him. He gestured Yuchan to follow him to the car as soon as he finished, but before Yuchan could leave Junhee clasped his wrist in his hand and told him that they would be waiting for him to come back.

Yuchan nodded before running after Donghun. Junhee’s words replaying in his head. _We will be waiting for you to come back._

Yuchan didn’t want to run away anymore. He was starting to run out of places to hide in.

Instead of running away he would come back. 

There was someone waiting for him.

 

**Chapter Twenty**

 

The drive back to the village was quiet. Donghun hummed along every song that played in the radio, while Yuchan busied himself by staring out of the window, curled up in himself on the passenger seat, mind wandering to thousands of different places.

Neither of them said a word to each other until Donghun pulled the car in front of the gate of Yuchan’s house.

The younger started to climb out of the car in hurry, but Donghun’s hand on his back stopped him. He turned to look at the older.

“Don’t be in hurry.” Donghun smiled at him. “I have to find some things myself. I will be waiting for you.” _I will be waiting for you._  Here it was again. No one had ever waited for Yuchan before.

He nodded before jumping down from the car and rushing inside. He felt strong sensation of excitement building up in his chest. It felt strange and unfamiliar, slightly frightening. He hadn’t felt like this in years.

Yuchan no longer wanted to run away. He wanted to run back – as soon, as fast as possible, as his jittery legs would allow him.

 

*******

 

“Help me carry some of these things?” Donghun gestured Yuchan to the backseat as he turned off the engine of the car. Yuchan nodded, hopping down from his seat and pulling the backseat door open. He grabbed as much stuff as he could fit in his arms and pressed them against his chest. He rounded the car and waited for Donghun to gather remaining things. He felt hesitant. He was unsure of what to do. “Let’s go.” Donghun nodded him to the fire illuminating darkened beach around them, three differently shaped figures moving around it. Their laughter rang through the silent evening and reached him and Donghun. Junhee was the first one to notice them approaching. He placed a stick he was holding on the ground and bounded up to them, smile wide and face lit up. He pushed himself between them, sneaking his arms around their shoulders and pressing them close to his sides.

“You came.” He murmured against Yuchan’s hair, his breath ghosting over the side of Yuchan’s face. The younger flushed red before nodding.

“I did.” He hadn't run away. He had come back.

“We’re glad.” Junhee ruffled Yuchan’s hair before pressing a kiss on Donghun’s jaw and running off, leaving them standing in stunned silence.

“We let him stay exposed to the sun for so long.” Donghun muttered before laughing, gaze still fixed on his lover’s retreating back.

Yuchan realized he was smiling before his mind could catch up with the way he reacted. He liked the sound of Junhee’s laughter. It washed every ill thought of his away.

“I like Junhee’s laugh.” Yuchan almost dropped everything he was holding in his arms when he realized that he had wondered out loudly. His head whipped up to Donghun’s direction, terrified of what might see there. The older male looked slightly taken aback, but before Yuchan could come up with something, surprise was replaced by an understanding smile on his face.

“I do too.” Donghun told him before nudging him gently with his shoulder. “Let’s go.”

Donghun had a teasing smile dancing on his lips as Yuchan trailed after him, face flushed red and ears burning in embarrassment.

 

**Chapter Twenty-One**

 

Yuchan found himself silently enjoying spending time with the others, sitting between Junhee and Donghun, eyes focused on the dancing fire flames between them as he listened to what they had to share and say. He didn’t say much and they didn't force him. He simply enjoyed their presence and the atmosphere filling their surroundings. He couldn’t remember feeling this comfortable, this content, this accepted before with someone else, or somewhere else. He probably had never been. He tried to cherish the feeling as much as he could, every word, every song, every whisper, every gaze, every touch shared among them sinking deep inside his chest and leaving its permanent mark along the way. Yuchan was starting to think that he had finally found a place he felt comfortable in, a place that wasn’t made for hiding, but still made him feel safe, safer than he had ever felt, safer than he had ever been in any of his hide-aways.

Yuchan caught Byeongkwan’s eyes across the fire for a few times and instead of turning his face away, he forced himself to hold his cousin’s gaze, Sehyoon’s words still lingering in his mind. It surprised him when Byeongkwan tilted his head to the side and smiled at him, filling Yuchan with the sensation of familiarity. _Byeongkwan didn’t hate him. Byeongkwan missed him._  He returned the smile as much as he could, hoping the other would understand his thoughts wordlessly. _He had missed Byeongkwan._ His cousin gave him a slight nod, a confirmation that he had understood what Yuchan was trying to tell him through his gaze, before turning his attention back to Sehyoon beside him. Yuchan wondered if everything was finally starting to fall back to its place. 

It didn't take his concentration much time until it started to decrease. Yuchan rubbed his eyes, trying to keep himself awake, but it wasn't an easy task to do, especially when he felt tired in all kinds of ways. He had spent the entire day doing physical activities. He wasn’t used to doing them, especially when he had to constantly fight his body and mind to cooperate. He tried to resist a yawn, hiding it behind his hand. Donghun was the first to notice him struggling against exhaustion and sleep. He placed a gentle hand on the nape of Yuchan’s neck and lowered his head to lay it on his lap. Yuchan stopped fighting as the sensation of Donghun’s fingers against his warm skin run through his entire being and let Hypnosis have its way with him. He didn't remember the last time he fell asleep this easily and fast, mind clear of worries, feeling nothing, but peacefulness and warmness wrapping him under their blankets. 

When Yuchan came back to consciousness he was inside the car. Byeongkwan, Sehyoon and Junhee were laughing hysterically over something while Donghun tried to hush them. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to understand what they were saying. He found himself smiling at nothing and no one in particular. It was a new, unfamiliar feeling and it scared him, but he couldn’t help thinking that perhaps he was starting to like it.

Yuchan moved around a bit, adjusting himself in a more comfortable position before pressing himself closer to Donghun’s side. He felt safe.  

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> Here goes a new chapter. I was supposed to update this story frequently, but I ended up going to the village the one in this story is kind of based on and I had troubles concentrating on this story. I hope you will enjoy reading this chapter. Things are starting to finally fall together.  
> Thank you so much for reading and leaving kudos and comments behind. They are greatly appreciated.  
> I didn't get to fix mistakes, so I apologize for them.  
> Take care.

 

**Chapter Twenty-Two**

 

_Turning over a new leaf..._

 

Yuchan woke up inside an unfamiliar room and felt panic surging up in his chest instantly. He pushed himself upright, feeling slightly dizzy, eyes nervously darting around his surroundings. He was tearing the sheets away from his body when everything suddenly came back to him and panic dissolved as fast as it had built up, events of the previous day running through his mind one by one. The last thing he could remember was falling asleep on Donghun's lap and then waking up inside the car. He tried to recall something that had happened after that, but nothing came up on the surface. He had fallen asleep without any care in the world and hadn't woken up not even once during the night, not even when someone had carried him inside the house and put him in a bed. Yesterday had completely tired him out.

He heard murmuring of voices outside of the room he had slept in. He walked closer to the door and as he was about to turn the doorknob someone pulled it open from the other side, causing him to freeze on the spot. Donghun and Junhee were standing outside of the room, looking at him with smiling faces.

“Good morning, sunshine.” Junhee grinned at him and Yuchan found himself blushing at the unexpected use of endearment. He didn’t think, couldn't see himself to be a sunshine, something so beautiful, so bright, he saw himself as a complete opposite of it, something dull, something distorted.

“Good morning.” He felt his face burning and suddenly found his bare feet more interesting than the two men in front of him.

“Are you hungry? Sehyoon made breakfast.” Donghun told him, gesturing him to the stairs. Yuchan nodded and stepped out of the room, closing the door carefully behind his back.

“Wha.. What time is it?” He asked as Donghun and Junhee led him downstairs, Junhee’s palm placed between his shoulder blades, Donghun’s on his waist. He felt himself shivering from the sensation. It was unfamiliar and new and the butterflies inside his stomach fluttered wildly, crashing against his insides, twisting and turning everything around.

“It should be past 10am.” Junhee said and Yuchan stopped abruptly, turning to look at them.

“I.. I have to go.” His voice came out croaky. He didn't want to go. The morning felt so good, so peaceful and he wanted to spend it with them.

“If you are worried about your medication, don't be. I asked Byeongkwan to bring them when he went out earlier. Which he gladly did.” Donghun reached up and gently combed hair out of his face. There were warm smiles burning on Donghun's and Junhee's faces. A strange, inexplicable sensation filled Yuchan and he felt himself shiver. His body was reacting on its own, as if it had separated itself from Yuchan’s mind overnight. Donghun’s and Junhee’s feathery, tender touches brought reactions he had never thought himself to be capable of out of him. It scared and pleased him at the same time. He wasn't sure if what he felt was good or bad, if what his mind kept whispering quietly in the back of his head, what trembling of his heart meant was true, wanted it to be true, wished it to be true.

“Come on, let’s go.” Junhee’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts. Yuchan nodded before turning on his heels and continued walking down the stairs. Junhee fell slightly behind him and Donghun and placed his hands on the small of their backs, leading them down, humming an unfamiliar melody to himself.

Yuchan's heart kept trembling inside his chest, from fear, want, need, hopefulness and it excited and scared him at the same time.

He had come to learn that the future could be a terrifying thing when one had not imagine being there in the first place, but perhaps for the first time in three years he was starting to enjoy it. He was starting to ignore the fear and let it carry him wherever it wanted, trust it blindly to take him to some place safe.

 

**Chapter Twenty-Three**

 

Yuchan found having breakfast with the others to be a pleasant thing. He didn’t have as much appetite as he had previously thought, but he didn’t have the heart to refuse a cup of warm tea and a chocolate biscuit when Sehyoon offered it to him, smiling down at him kindly, eyes warm and understanding.

He was starting to like Sehyoon. The man didn’t say much to him, but his presence was calming and Yuchan noticed that he kept an understanding eye on him whenever the topic of their conversation turned to him, making sure they didn’t make him feel uncomfortable. He was kind. Yuchan felt happy for Byeongkwan. His cousin deserved someone as kind and lovely as Sehyoon was and even though he didn't know much about the other, he thought that Sehyoon deserved someone as loveable and wild-natured as Byeongkwan was, as he remembered Byeongkwan to be. They used to do a lot of mischief together when they were younger. Byeongkwan would drag him around the village, climbing, digging, discovering new, hidden places, stealing fruits from the gardens of their neighbours, spending the entire days swimminh, building sand castles and making up their own stories of magic and the unknown. He had loved being around Byeongkwan, spending time with Byeongkwan, being mischievous with Byeongkwan back then and he was missing the older male so much. He was missing every memory they had made together before and they had lost during the last three years of their parted lives.

After finishing the breakfast Donghun divided the chores among them. Yuchan ended up drying dishes with Junhee, sitting on the kitchen counter, legs dangling and quietly observing the others. He liked being with them. Their presence was calming and even though Byeongkwan still avoided looking at him in the eye, his cousin had glanced at his direction with an unconscious smile on his face once or twice. It gave Yuchan slight push of courage to talk to him. He was determined to fix the misunderstanding between them.

“Do you want to come help me sort out some papers in my office?” Donghun was saying and it took Yuchan a few seconds to realize that his question was directed to him. Donghun had slid up to him and Junhee, chin rested on his lover’s shoulder and gazing up at him.

Yuchan glanced at him before his eyes caught a sight of Sehyoon and Byeongkwan sitting on the window sill, whispering to each other. Donghun and Junhee turned to follow his line of sight.

“Go talk to him.” Junhee told him, taking Yuchan’s hands in his and carefully pulling him down. “You can join us later.”

Yuchan nodded, feeling braver than he had felt in years, encouraged by their smiles. He slipped away from them and walked closer to his cousin and Sehyoon with hesitant steps. He felt his heart pounding loudly in his ears, palms turning clammy from nervousness. Sehyoon was the first to notice him approaching and gave him his wide, kind smile. Byeongkwan stopped talking when he noticed the other was no longer paying attention to what he was saying, looking up and meeting Yuchan's eyes. Surprised crossed Byeongkwan's face for a brief moment before his expression turned back to neutral.

“Ca.. Can.. I.. Can I talk with you?” Yuchan managed shakily.

Byeongkwan nodded and jumped down from the sill. He placed a quick peck on Sehyoon’s cheek before gesturing Yuchan outside of the room.

“Let’s go, Chan.” His cousin said and Yuchan followed after him, feeling hopeful and afraid at the same time.

 

**Chapter Twenty-Four**

 

“Can.. Can we sit near the Renascentias?” Yuchan asked as he and Byeongkwan stepped out in the yard and Byeongkwan turned to walk towards one of the trees in Junhee’s garden.

“You like them a lot, don’t you?” His cousin stopped in his tracks and turned on his heels to look at him, small smile on his face. Yuchan gave him a nod in return, avoiding the elder’s gaze. “Lead the way then.” Byeongkwan gave him a slight push on the shoulders and fell slightly behind him, walking closer than they had walked in three years, air comfortable and easy around them.

Yuchan lowered himself on the ground beside the flowers, turning his head up to face the sun, while Byeongkwan sat down under the tree two steps away from him, sheltering himself from the burning sunlight, observing Yuchan with fond expression on his face.

“So, where do we start?” Byeongkwan asked minutes later when both of them got comfortable with the situation and their surroundings. Yuchan’s face turned from the clear sky to his cousin and shrugged. He didn’t know where to start from. He didn’t feel as brave as he had felt in the kitchen with Donghun and Junhee around, with Sehyoon by Byeongkwan’s side. “How about from the day three years ago?” Byeongkwan suggested after a while, eyes trailing on Yuchan’s fingers playing with flower petals.

“You can say it.” Yuchan told him, voice small, but unwavering. “I’m no longer afraid of hearing what I have done.” His words brought out a smile on Byeongkwan’s face. The older male nodded, patting a free space next to him on the ground, beckoning Yuchan closer. Yuchan was hesitant, but still moved over to where Byeongkwan had gestured him in the end, peering up at his cousin through his lashes.

“I’m glad it’s getting better.” Byeongkwan said after Yuchan settled down beside him.

“What about you?” Yuchan asked, finding unfamiliar source of courage to speak inside him. “Is it getting better for you, Byeongkwan? I’m just realizing that what I did had a huge impact on the lives of the others. I wasn’t thinking about anyone else back then. I hadn’t meant to cause pain to anyone. I just wanted to end my own.” He said and his cousin held out a hand to him, which he took instantly, without hesitation, afraid that Byeongkwan would change his mind.

“It’s not your fault, Chan. It took me a while to realize that it wasn’t anyone’s fault, not yours, not ours, but I couldn’t forgive myself for being blind to your pain, for not seeing what you were going through. We didn’t try to understand you when you tried to reach out to us. We brushed it off as a part of your teenage phase. None of us, me, uncle, aunt, we couldn’t look at you in the eyes without feeling ashamed of ourselves, but someone came in my life not a long ago and made me look at things in different light. I’m slowly coming to accept that we shouldn’t keep blaming ourselves for the mistakes made in the past. They couldn’t be changed no matter how hard we try, we wish for them to change, but we can change the present. We can fix our past mistakes with making things right in the present.” Byeongkwan squeezed his hand tightly, trailing off to gather his thoughts, let him digest what he had said.

“It’s getting better for me too. I’m slowly learning how to move on from the past and live in the present. It took me years to realize that life is now. It's happening now and it's not waiting for anyone. I won’t be able to return in the past no matter how hard I try and I won’t be able to live in the future if I won’t live now.” Byeongkwan smiled at him, placed his other hand over their conjoined ones and held them up in the air between them. “If I’m not too late, if it’s not too late for things to get better between us, I’m asking you to forgive me, Channie. Give me a chance to fix my past mistakes in the present please.” A lone tear found its way on Byeongkwan’s cheek and Yuchan reached up with his free hand to wipe it away.

“There is nothing for me to forgive, Byeongkwan.” He told the other, smiling at him as much, as comfortingly as he could, trying to show how sincere, how genuine he was. He had convinced himself that he had lost Byeongkwan for forever three years ago, once and for all when he had woken up in the hospital and the older boy had turned his face away from him, excusing himself from his chamber and never coming back to see him. “You said that it was no one’s fault and I think you are right. We all tried to find our solutions to the unbearable pain inside us.”

“You’ve grown so much, Channie.” Byeongkwan said and pulled him in a hug, squeezing younger in his embrace as hard as he could, crying in relief and delight.

“So have you.” Yuchan murmured against the other’s chest and his words stirred a laugh out of his cousin.

Byeongkwan released him few minutes later, wiping tears away from his face with his hands, smiling at him.

“Thank you, Channie.” He said after he had fully calmed down, leaning against the tree trunk.

“No, thank you, Kwannie.” Yuchan told him before retreating back to the flowers Junhee tended to almost on a daily basis and Donghun appreciated so much. He loved Renascentias. They symbolized rebirth, a new beginning, dying and blooming, blooming and dying, dying and blooming, again and again, repeating themselves endlessly in time. They reminded him of a saying he had once read somewhere - _“You can turn over a new leaf every hour if you choose”_. It was always possible to change. It was never too late to change. You just had to wish for it and try, forget your old self and bloom into a new one. The shell would remain the same, but the insides of it wouldn’t, just like each newly bloomed petal of Renascentia it would be different, never alike of the other. They all seemed the same to the unfamiliar eye, but if you looked closer, deeper you could easily notice the difference.

Yuchan could also change. He had died once, but he could live again. He would bloom again just like a Renascentia.

“How did you and Sehyoon meet?” Yuchan asked some time later, picking up one of the fallen petals and placing it on his open palm. He reached his arm up and turned it around, sunlight spilling through the space between his fingers, haloing it, different colors reflecting themselves on the lone, lost petal. Yuchan stared at it, unblinking, before it slipped off of his palm and fell on his face, below his eye, finding its new home there. Yuchan tilted his head back, so it wouldn’t fall off, sunlight kissing his reddened, uncovered skin.

“Sehyoon and I met at the therapy center. I was on my monthly session when we accidently bumped onto each other. We kept crossing each other’s paths in the hallways from time to time and it took us six months to learn each other’s names. He came up to me and asked for it. I’m not sure if I would have done it myself. We made our relationship official two days after he came to the village. I took him to that secret place you and I used to sneak out almost every day during summer. I’m so glad I met him. He makes me so happy.” Byeongkwan hesitated for a second, sucking in a deep breath before continuing. “I didn’t know his full story until now, only small bits of it and he made me realize so many things. He showed me how wrong I had been, how stupid I had been, how cruel I had been to leave you behind.”

Yuchan didn’t say anything in return, just hummed softly and nodded his head. He, himself, hadn’t realized many things before meeting Donghun and Junhee. They had shown him the world in different colors, instead of seeing everything in grey, in black and white, they had brought all kinds of variations in his life, sometimes he would only see them for the briefest of moment, but they were there and it meant something. There was a possibility of them existing permanently in his life, and they brought back the hope he had lost sight of years ago, served as a silent reminder that things could get better.

“I like Sehyoon.” He said minutes later, face still turned up to the sky, sun kissing his skin and covering it in red. “He’s nice. I’m glad he makes you happy. You deserve to be happy, Kwannie.”

“So do you, Chan.” Byeongkwan told him and Yuchan heard a smile in the other's voice. He nodded. He deserved to be happy. Just like everyone else he deserved to have a chance in happiness. He had been given one and he was going to make use of it, somehow, someway, he was going to try and make things work. He had forgotten how to want something years ago. He hadn’t wanted something for years, but now he wanted something, he wanted someone. Yuchan had never truly wanted anything or anyone until he wanted them, until he realized he wanted them, until this very moment as he realized there was a chance of having them and he would try to make it work. He wouldn’t waste his second chance, not again, not once more.

“What about Donghun and Junhee, do you like them, Channie?” Byeongkwan asked and Yuchan opened his eyes, took a petal off of his face and turned to look at his cousin. There was a smile, similar to the ones Yuchan had grown up seeing, stretched out on Byeongkwan’s lips, eyes glinting in the sunlight that had reached through the tree branches and reflected themselves on his face.

“I do.” Yuchan whispered. It came out faint and small. He wasn’t sure if the other could hear him. “A lot.”

He did. He liked Donghun and Junhee more than he had ever liked anyone.

 

**Chapter Twenty-Five**

 

Yuchan and Byeongkwan went back inside the house minutes later. Sehyoon was curled up in one of the armchairs in the living room, engrossed in a book that was laid open on his knees. He only noticed their presence when Byeongkwan run his fingers through his hair, peeking over his head to see what he was reading. Yuchan observed them silently from the doorway, noticed how Sehyoon’s face split into a wide smile as he looked up at Byeongkwan, how their lips fitted against each other perfectly, how peaceful they looked when Sehyoon changed his sitting position and Byeongkwan sat himself comfortably on his lap, leaning back in his embrace and reading the book together.

He stood on the doorway for a few more minutes before tearing his gaze away from the couple and walking up to the stairs in search of Donghun and Junhee. He heard the sound of Junhee’s hearty laughter as soon as he put his bare foot on the second floor, coming from the room Yuchan had become familiar of and enjoyed being inside. He knocked softly on the door of Donghun’s office and cracked it open carefully. Donghun was leaning against his desk, stack of papers in one of his hands, while waving something with the other in front of his face and laughing. He turned to glance at Yuchan and gestured him to step inside the room with his head, sound of laughter still spilling out of his lips. Yuchan stepped inside and closed the door behind his back. Junhee was laying on the couch, open book resting on his chest, laughing over something Donghun had said. He sat up at the sight of him and beckoned Yuchan to sit next to him, eyes wrinkled up from laughing. It was a sight Yuchan liked the most. They were the most beautiful when they laughed like that – wild, uncontrollable, wholehearted, carefree and unbounded, the only sound that existed in that moment, seeming like a soothing melody to Yuchan’s ears.

He lowered himself beside Junhee and pressed his exposed thigh to the other’s warm, golden skin. They fitted beautifully against one another. Junhee placed the book he had been reading on the small table in front of the couch and placed his contrastingly cool palm on Yuchan’s knee, leaning forward and turning slightly to look at him.

“Did everything go well?” He asked and Yuchan glanced up at him before his eyes turned to find Donghun's. He had lowered the papers he had been waving, gazing at him though the glasses Yuchan had not noticed he was wearing. He turned his attention back to Junhee.

“I.. Yes, it went well.” Yuchan said and felt tips of his ears turning red. They were starting to burn from the sudden rush of heat.

“I’m glad.” Junhee told him, squeezing his leg in encouragement.

“You’re doing great, Chan.” Donghun placed the stack of papers he was holding on the desk and came over to sit on the couch on the other side of Yuchan. “Change takes time. It’s a slow process, but you will see how much relief even the smallest step taken forward can bring you.” Donghun placed his hand on his back and rubbed it gently. Yuchan felt butterflies inside him sprung back to life, flapping their wings wildly, grazing and crashing against his organs.

He couldn’t manage a proper answer and settled with a slight nod of his head.

“Lovely.” Junhee laughed, ruffling his hair before pushing himself up from the couch. Yuchan’s eyes automatically followed the other's movements. Junhee walked to the one of the boxes near the window and sat down next to it. “I think you will like these books, Chan.” He told him, tearing the seal of the box open.

“Most of them there are retellings of myths. You might know some of them.” Donghun told him, getting up. “Help us sort them out?” He offered his hand to Yuchan and the younger took it without hesitation, trusting the older male to pull him up, which Donghun did with ease, leading him to where Junhee was sitting on the floor.

Yuchan lowered himself on the other side of the box when Donghun released his hand from his, returning to the papers he had left on his desk, leaving him and Junhee on their own. Yuchan leaned over to peek inside the box. A familiar title caught his eyes and he reached in to take it out. Junhee smiled when he noticed which book he had grasped in his fingers.

“Have you read it?” The older male asked, curious.

“I have.” Yuchan nodded, wiping layers of dust that had covered the book away with his palm. “It used to be my favourite.”

“It isn’t now?”

“I don’t think it can be replaced.” Yuchan told him, shifting his attention from the book to Junhee. “I used to read it a lot. I kept reading and it kept getting more painful and heartbreaking each time.” Junhee’s wide smile faltered and a sad, understanding one took its place on the elder's face.

A shadow fell over them and Yuchan looked up to see Donghun leaning down to observe the book he was holding closer.

“The Song of Achilles.” He read the title aloud, straightening up. Yuchan’s eyes followed him. “Philtatos.” Donghun whispered.

“Most beloved.” Yuchan heard Junhee add. He could imagine the scene Achilles had said these words in his head, pained and devastated by the death of his loved one, his Patroclus.

“Have you ever had a Philtatos, Chan?” Donghun asked, voice low and warm, looking back down at him with genuine interest in his eyes.

“I haven’t.” Yuchan said and heard trembling in his voice. He inhaled shakily and added, “But I think I want to have now.”

They gazed at each other silently for a few seconds before Donghun smiled at him, nodding slightly and disappearing from his vision. Yuchan tilted his head forward, coming face to face with Junhee. There was a smile similar to Donghun’s on his face. Junhee whispered something, but it was so faint Yuchan didn’t manage to catch. The smile remained on Junhee’s face as he turned his attention back to the books inside the box and Yuchan let himself get lost in the beauty of the moment for a little while, leaning against the wall, eyes wandering from Junhee to Donghun and back, from Donghun to Junhee.

 

_“That is - your friend?”_

_“Philtatos,” Achilles replied, sharply. Most beloved.”_


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> Here goes a new chapter. I hope you will enjoy reading it.  
> Some chapters of this story need some serious fixing, but I'll do it all at once when it's done.  
> Thank you so much for reading and leaving kudos and comments behind. They're greatly appreciated.   
> I apologize for the mistakes in advance.  
> Take care.

 

**Chapter Twenty-Six**

 

_Hello, lover..._

 

Yuchan laid in the middle of the yard of Donghun’s and Junhee’s house, gazing up at the sky, making out different shapes of white clouds up above, sun shining down on him, kissing and caressing his exposed skin. His mind drifted in and out of consciousness, wandered in between the dreams and reality. Three days had passed since the morning he had talked with Byeongkwan, since the air between him and his cousin started to feel warm and comfortable, smiles and glances started to be shared, words were being exchanged in between them. Three days had passed since he had helped Donghun and Junhee with sorting out their books in Donghun’s office and his mind still went back to a certain word that had been whispered among them inside the quiet room. _Philtatos._

Yuchan hadn’t stopped thinking about the word since that moment, his eyes wandered everywhere Donghun and Junhee went, followed them, observed them, remembered every small detail about them. The feeling was new and unfamiliar and it made him slightly uncomfortable and too aware of everything around him, everything about the other two men, mind busy of images of Junhee running his hand through his hair, Donghun’s lips ghosting over Junhee’s golden skin, their gentle touches lingering a second longer every time they brushed against Yuchan. He wondered if it was his mind playing tricks on him, if it was his mind trying to find another way to break him, another way to make him hide back inside his cracking shell, another way to make him believe things wouldn’t get better, not for him, not for someone as damaged as him.

Yuchan tried to push the thoughts away, but they kept coming back, stronger and more agonizing, harder to ignore, harder to bear, harder to fight against. He turned on his side and his eyes landed on Junhee few meters away watering flowers in his garden, sunlight dancing on his skin, face flushed red, parted lips moving slightly. Yuchan didn’t need to hear to know he was humming some soothing melody to himself. He had come to learn that the other male had a habit of humming when he was concentrating on something. The thought brought a small, sad smile on Yuchan’s face and he averted his gaze from Junhee, eyes roaming around the yard and landing on Donghun who was busy trying to hang up a hammock in between the trees. He had already hung up one. Yuchan turned his attention back to Junhee and tried to concentrate on the elder’s face to distract his mind from the unpleasant thoughts he wanted to run away from, but couldn’t manage. Every time he took a step away from them, they dragged him two steps back and closer than he had been before.

Junhee looked up and their eyes met. The older male broke into a smile, wide and bright and the most beautiful Yuchan had ever seen and the sight made him wonder what the Gods and Goddesses thought of Junhee’s beauty, if they were fuming in jealousy, if it drove them mad, made them drink their envy away. He knew if he were one of them, he would, but he wouldn’t be jealous of Junhee’s beauty, he would be jealous of Donghun for having him, for having the right to call someone like Junhee his. If he were one of them he would want to have Junhee for himself only. If he were a God, he would get drunk and would dare to steal him away. _If he were... Only if he were a God... Only if he weren't himself... Only if he were someone different, something different... Only if he were..._

“What’s the frown for?” Junhee’s voice suddenly interrupted his train of thoughts and brought him back to the present. He turned to lay on his back and blinked up at the older male. Junhee was smiling down at him, the sunlight haloing him, making him seem so unearthly, so ethereal, so unreal. Maybe Junhee was one of them himself, one of the Gods Yuchan had desired to be seconds ago. Maybe that was why he seemed so untouchable, so far away, so impossible to have.

Junhee reached out and placed his finger in between his brows, smoothing down his furrowed skin and rubbing the spot gently, waiting patiently for Yuchan to answer.

“I was thinking.” Yuchan murmured and averted his eyes from Junhee’s face, gazing up at the sky instead. His heart felt like it could combust any moment.

“Of what?” Junhee asked and laid on his back beside him.

“I.. I.. I don’t know.” He stammered out and he didn’t have to see his own face to know he was blushing. He felt his cheeks burning, but not from the scorching sun.

“You don’t know?” His answer stirred a soft laugh out of Junhee and Yuchan found himself trying to hold onto the sound. He wanted to collect it in a jar and listen to it whenever his thoughts got too much, let it wash his worries away.

Junhee shifted on his side, resting his arm under his head and gazing at him. Yuchan felt the elder’s warm breath against his cheek, but he didn't dare to look at him. His heart kept trembling inside his chest. He felt like a caged bird, but it wasn’t Junhee caging him, it was his own self.

He opened his mouth to say something, but his mind didn’t offer anything. It suddenly turned blank. Yuchan closed it again. Junhee raised himself on his elbow, staring down at him with a gentle smile painted across his face.

“Can I share a tip with you?” He asked, drumming his fingers on Yuchan’s trembling chest. The younger didn’t trust his mouth and gave him a slight nod in return, causing Junhee’s smile to widen.

“When you’re worried about something try thinking in a different language.” Junhee told him before pushing himself upright. He held onto Yuchan's arm and pulled him up. “It slows your brain down and keeps your thoughts from running wild. It’s been a long time since I’ve tried it last, but it has never failed me back then. Try it sometime when things here get too much and there’s no one you can talk to or when you don’t want to talk to anyone.” He tapped Yuchan’s temple with his fingers when he said it and both of them felt silent after that, looking at Donghun struggling against the hammock few meters away from where they sat on the ground.

“You know you can always talk to Donghun and I,” Junhee said few minutes later, shifting his attention from his lover to Yuchan. “Don’t you?”

Yuchan knew he could and he knew they would listen to everything he had to say, wouldn’t judge him for anything he had to share, but he didn’t know how to talk with them, how to talk with anyone, words got stuck in his throat every time he tried to voice out his thoughts, they resisted against him with all their might, tried their best to remain only as deafening sounds inside Yuchan’s head.

“I know.” He whispered and caught a sight of Junhee’s lovely smile being replaced by a sad one before turning his face away.

They remained silent for a few more seconds before Donghun’s voice pulled them out of their thoughts. Both, he and Junhee turned to look at the elder at the same time. Donghun had given up on the hammock and was looking at them, hands placed on his hips.

“Hey, you two!” Donghun waved at them, gesturing them closer. “Mind helping me out here a little?” He pointed at the hammock on the ground with his chin. He sounded frustrated and his tone made Junhee laugh, his beautiful, wholehearted, bright laugh. And it made Yuchan wonder if Donghun were one of the Gods too, the one who had managed to steal Junhee away, who knew the secret to making Junhee laugh like that, so beautiful, so bright, so lovely, charming everything and everyone who witnessed it, making the world fall in love with him just by a single glance.

He wondered if they were Gods and if he had somehow stumbled upon them while searching for his lost wings and lost heaven, if he had fallen out of one to find another, the one he was made for, the one he belonged to, the one he had wanted to find all along, since the very second his life had started its countdown.

 

**Chapter Twenty-Seven**

 

“Channie.” Byeongkwan calling his name caught Yuchan's attention and he pushed himself up from the hammock he had hung up with Donghun and Junhee to look for his cousin. Byeongkwan was standing on the staircase, shielding his eyes from the bright sun with his hand.

“Yes?” Yuchan called back to him.

“Sehyoon and I are going to the market. Do you want to come along?” Byeongkwan asked and waved him closer before going back inside the house.

Yuchan hopped off of the hammock and walked back to the house. Byeongkwan and Sehyoon were standing on the entrance, rolling their eyes at something Donghun was saying to them from inside the kitchen. Junhee and Donghun had taken it upon themselves to prepare the dinner tonight and had invited Yuchan along to help them out, but he had refused and stayed back to calm his racing heart down. He was sure it would have finally burst out of his chest if he had gone with the other two men earlier.

“Hey, Chan.” Sehyoon grinned at him when Yuchan stepped inside the house. Yuchan gave him a small smile in return, nodding at the older in a greeting.

“Are you coming?” Byeongkwan turned to look at him when Donghun finished giving out orders of what to buy in the market. “Or you can stay and watch Donghun be pretentious.” His cousin said and Donghun shouted _“I heard that”_ from the kitchen causing both Byeongkwan and Sehyoon to burst out into a laughter.

“So?” Sehyoon turned to him after their laughter died down, offering a kind smile.

“I.. Is it alright if I come?” Yuchan asked. He didn’t want to make the couple uncomfortable with his presence.

“Of course, it is.” Sehyoon told him and Byeongkwan placed his hands on his shoulder, turning him around on his heels and nudging him out of the house.

“We’re not asking out of politeness, Channie. We want to come with us if you want to.” Byeongkwan said, leading him down the stairs.

“You are actually forcing him to go with us right now, Kwan.” Sehyoon laughed and snatched his lover back and away from Yuchan. Byeongkwan pursed his lips out.

“Do you not want to come?” His cousin asked him and Yuchan shook his head, mumbling quiet  _“I do”_  in return. He wanted to go. “Let’s go then.” Byeongkwan took his hand in his and tugged both him and Sehyoon out of the yard.

“I.. But my shoes..” Yuchan tried to protest, pointing at his bare feet. Byeongkwan grinned at him, eyes glinting mischievously.

“We’ll just take ours off.”

 

*******

 

Drive to the market lasted for a few minutes before Sehyoon stopped the car in front of a building Yuchan had not gone near in years. The entrance was as full of people as he remembered it to be and it made his stomach churn nervously.

Byeongkwan and Sehyoon, as his cousin had assured him earlier, took their shoes off before stepping out of the car and Yuchan followed after them with hesitant steps. This place made him feel eerily uncomfortable.

“Is there anything you want to get, Channie?” Byeongkwan asked as he reached back and pulled Yuchan closer to him and Sehyoon, squeezing his hand in comfort, trying to distract him from the stares people were starting to give them. Yuchan was beginning to regret his decision to come here.

_“Isn’t that the Kang’s kid?”_ Someone asked loud enough for them to hear when they went inside the market and Byeongkwan turned his head to glare at them in an attempt to hush them.

“Pay them no mind, Chan.” His cousin told him as they went down one of the isles, him and Byeongkwan in the front, Sehyoon trailing slightly behind. Yuchan tried to tune out the voices around them, forcing his mind to concentrate on the descriptions of various products they passed.

_“That’s him, huh? He looks normal to me.”_  Someone said when they were waiting for the cashier to calculate their purchases and Yuchan had to hold himself back to not turn around and look at the person who had just spoken. _“They had finally let him out of his ward then.”_ , _“Is it safe that he is walking around like this?”_ , _“When have his parents ever cared?”_   The hushed murmurs behind his back continued and Yuchan felt Byeongkwan's grip on his hand tighten to the extent it was starting to hurt. He tried to fight his tears back, biting down on his lips, eyes unblinking and frozen on the wall ahead. He wouldn’t cry. He couldn’t cry in front of these people. He wouldn’t give them more reason to talk about him, mocking him behind his back while making sure he could clearly hear each word they said.

“Take him out.” Sehyoon nudged his lover towards the entrance, nodding his head to the car parked outside. “Right now.” Sehyoon said, sounding angry and Byeongkwan immediately tugged him out of the market and to the car.

His cousin sat on the backseat with him and Yuchan allowed him to pull him against his chest. He wanted to cry, but he wasn't going to, not here, not for them to see.

“Ignore those people please, Channie.” Byeongkwan whispered, caressing the back of his head, trying to soothe him. “They don’t know anything. They don't know a single thing about you, but have nothing better to do than to judge others baselessly. Their thoughts on you don’t matter, okay? They hold no meaning. They shouldn’t hold any meaning to you. They are just faces among the crowd and they are irrelevant to your life. Only opinions that should matter are those of people who truly love you, Channie, who know you, who understand you and who hold you dear in their hearts.” Byeongkwan tried to comfort him, but his words did no good, bring him no peace. He pulled away from the elder and edged himself closer the window.

“But who is there to love me, Byeongkwan?” He whispered and felt sudden wetness on his cheeks. “Who is there to love someone like me?”

“I am, Channie.” His cousin said and tried to take his hands in his, but Yuchan pulled them away and put them under his thighs. “Jeonghwan and Yeeun are. Donghun and Junhee are there to love you. There are enough of us, Channie and we love you. We love you so much. You just have to believe us. You just have to see it.”

“There are things my mind refuses to believe even if believing them is what I want the most.” Yuchan told him and his words made Byeongkwan's voice to catch in his throat. His cousin stared at him silently, eyes full of sadness, lips parted slightly.

“And what does your heart believe in, Chan? Does it also refuse to believe?” Byeongkwan asked and placed his palm over Yuchan's chest, feeling the younger's frantic heartbeat behind it.

Yuchan turned his face to look out of the window. He didn’t have an answer. He was torn between his heart and mind and he didn’t know which to believe, which to follow, which to trust. He didn't know which would lead him to true peacefulness, to the heaven he wanted to be a part of, where he could live even with his broken wings.

 

**Chapter Twenty-Eight**

 

Yuchan was sitting on the jetty, staring into a calm, evening sea when Donghun found him, looking sad and lonely, complete opposite of how he and Junhee used to see him dancing on the same jetty every morning. He had looked sad back then too, but he hadn’t looked lonely, he hadn’t looked so heartbroken, full of grief, mourning something Donghun didn’t know, but wanted to know, in hopes of being able to offer him comfort, bring him some peace, some happiness, offer him a company so he wouldn’t feel so lonely, so alone in this battle of his.

“Do you mind a company?” Donghun asked, quiet, hesitant, careful. Yuchan looked up, startled, blinking his watery eyes at him for a few times before nodding slowly. He seemed unsure, but Donghun took his chance and lowered himself next to him on the ground.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” He asked when Yuchan said nothing, gazing at the horizon covered in the flames of orange, sun setting the world in fire before slipping away and letting the darkness take over everything it had brought light to during the day. Donghun liked the night better. He found it to be more peaceful, more fitting of calmness, more fitting of him, but he couldn’t deny the beauty of the day, he couldn’t turn a blind eye on the beauty it brought upon the earth, but his heart belonged to the night, his heart longed for the night, a quiet, starry night, with Junhee, their favourite book, and some wine. However, he wasn’t against the idea of letting the daylight in their life, he liked it, he could imagine how beautiful it would be. He, a complete lover of darkness, Junhee who loved any time of the day and the night, and a certain someone, who longed for the sun, who exposed himself to no one, but the sunlight. He was sure it would be beautiful, a perfect balance, day and night, and someone who connected them with each other so perfectly.

Yuchan remained silent and Donghun didn’t try to start a conversion. He let Yuchan think, wonder, dream, observed the boy while he wandered in and out of his own world, someplace Donghun wanted to visit one day, Donghun wanted to learn about some day. It took Yuchan a little while to gather his thoughts, turning to look at him, tilting his head to the side, eyes lit in curiosity and wonder. Donghun waited with a held breath for the boy to ask his question.

“How does kissing Junhee feel like?” Yuchan asked, soft and faint, and it caught Donghun by surprise. It felt so sudden, so unexpected. He expected Yuchan to ask him anything, but how it felt to kiss Junhee.

“I'm not sure I will ever truly know, but his lips make me feel as close to a heaven as I can get.” Donghun gave him a gentle smile. He couldn’t describe how kissing Junhee felt. There wasn’t the right word for it. There never would be one. Every time he kissed Junhee he felt different things. Junhee’s lips took him to places he never knew could exist. He had no idea could exist. He could never imagine on his own, without guidance of Junhee's lips. Kissing him felt too good, too out of this world, something no one in history had ever managed to explain, something he would never be able to find an explanation of. “Why do you ask?”

“I.. I was just wondering.” Yuchan stuttered, lowering his eyes on the surface, trying to find his own distorted reflection in the water. Donghun could see tips of his ears turning red and he found it to be endearing. _Such a lovely being Yuchan was._

“Do you want to kiss Junhee, Chan?” Donghun asked and found himself feeling bothered by his own question. He had the idea of what Yuchan’s answer was, but he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. Jealousy? It was something he didn’t know. It wasn’t like him to feel jealous. Disappointment? Maybe, but he wasn't disappointed by that Yuchan wanted to kiss Junhee. Who wouldn’t want to kiss Junhee. He was disappointed by the idea of Yuchan wanting to only kiss Junhee.

“I.. I.. I.. I don’t.” Yuchan stammered nervously, fingers clenched into fists on his sides. Donghun knew that wasn't true. He had a feeling that there was more to Yuchan’s answer, something the boy was leaving to him to figure out. He wouldn’t have asked if he had never thought of kissing Junhee, if he had never wondered how it would feel to kiss Junhee.

“Have you never been kissed by someone, Chan?” Donghun asked as he reached out and placed his fingers under the boy’s chin, gently turning his face towards himself.

“I.. I haven’t.” Yuchan said, turning red in shame. Donghun gave him a smile, a rather sad one. How could he have never been kissed, when he looked so kissable? How had no one ever wanted to kiss him, when his lips begged to be kissed, when he looked so lovely and beautiful, when he was so lovely and beautiful? Donghun could spend his entire life kissing him.

“Do you want to?” He asked, leaning closer to the boy. He felt Yuchan shuddering under his touch and hesitated, stilled, afraid of scaring him, of invading his comfort zone without the younger's approval.

“I.. I do.”

“Are you sure?”

“I do. I.. I wa.. I want to be kissed b.. by you a.. and Junhee.” Yuchan said, shakily, giving him the missing part of his answer. He wanted to kiss Junhee, but he didn't want to only kiss Junhee. He wanted to kiss him too. He wanted to be kissed by him too.

Donghun closed the small space between them and kissed him. Yuchan’s lips quivered against his. Kissing him felt different from kissing Junhee, but it felt as inexplicable as kissing Junhee did and Donghun loved it. Donghun wanted to kiss him until he got closer to explaining it, until instead of an explanation he found more mysteries behind it, wanted to kiss him again and again, until their lips remembered each other’s shapes, until their lips remembered nothing but each other, until their lips wanted no one but each other, until Yuchan had been kissed as many times as he deserved to be kissed, for eternity, for forever, for the rest of their lives. He wanted to kiss Yuchan just like he kissed Junhee, anytime, anywhere, whenever he wanted. He wanted to call Yuchan's lips his.

 

*******

 

Donghun kissed him and Yuchan felt his entire being tremble, shake from the force of how it felt to be kissed, how it was better than he had imagined to be kissed. He felt something inside him melt. He felt all kinds of emotions crashing against one another inside him, felt his dreams, his wonders, his secrets, his anguish come alive inside him. The universe turned upside down and rearranged itself in a completely different way, things that had never made sense before suddenly did. Donghun kissed him and Yuchan felt as if he had waited to be kissed by him all along, his lips had been made to be kissed by Donghun all along. Donghun kissed him and it felt sincere. Donghun kissed him like he wanted to kiss him, truly kiss him, like he had wondered of kissing him as much as Yuchan had, like Yuchan was oxygen and Donghun was desperate to breathe, like their lips didn't know anything but how to melt against each other.

Donghun kissed him and Yuchan wanted nothing else in the world. He wanted Donghun to keep kissing him. He wanted Donghun to kiss him until everything and everyone else around them disappeared, until they were all alone and inside their own safe place, where no one, where the rest of the world couldn’t find them, wouldn't be able to find them, kissing until the end of the times, kissing, and kissing, and kissing.

Donghun pulled away, but his palm remained on Yuchan’s cheek, thumb gently rubbing against his burning skin. The older male broke into a smile and leaned in closer once again, their foreheads touching.

“You should be kissed, Chan. You should be kissed often and you should be kissed by someone who knows how, by someone who wants you to kiss him, by someone whose kiss makes you wonder how something so magical could exist, by someone your kiss makes them wonder how they had lived without that sweet taste of your lips before.” Donghun whispered against his lips and Yuchan believed him. For the first time in his life, he didn’t have to choose between his heart and mind. He could trust both of them, because both of them whispered the same thing to him.

_You deserve to be kissed. You deserve to be kissed by the right person, by someone who understands your heart without having you to explain it, by someone who makes your weeping mind quiet, who knows how to soothe your aching soul, whose kiss makes you think that you are alive, whose kiss makes you wonder if this is how it feels to be truly alive._

He deserved to be kissed by someone who knew how and Donghun knew how to kiss him.

 

**Chapter Twenty-Nine**

 

“I heard Donghun stole something that should have been mine.” Junhee’s voice startled Yuchan out of his thoughts and he turned his head to look at the older male. Junhee was standing on the entrance of his house, grinning from ear to ear, eyes sparkling in the moonlight.

Yuchan let his words sink in. Something that should have been Junhee’s. Something he wanted to be Junhee’s. Something he wanted to be Donghun’s. Something that should have been Donghun’s. Something that should have been Donghun’s and Junhee’s, could be Donghun’s and Junhee’s.

“It can be yours too.” Yuchan said, suddenly and his own answer surprised him, felt his own eyes widen. Junhee laughed and sat down on the stairs beside him.

“Can I take what could be mine right now then?” Junhee asked, playful grin still dancing across his lips and placed his hand on Yuchan’s knee. The mere touch sent shivers through his entire body and he was sure Junhee felt the effect his touch had on him. Yuchan nodded, looking up at the elder, shuddering in anticipation of finding an answer to something he had been wondering for days, to something he couldn't stop thinking about for days. _Kissing Junhee._

Junhee cupped his cheek in his hand before leaning in, letting his lips ghost over Yuchan’s, felt the younger shiver by the slightest connection of their lips. Junhee lingered for a second, enjoying the soft, feathery feeling of Yuchan’s lips against his before kissing him.

Yuchan’s mind struggled to understand what was happening, his heart slammed against his chest with so much force. Junhee was kissing him and Yuchan felt like he was on the galaxy’s edge, whatever it meant, however inexplicable, undiscovered it was, however crazy, however impossible it was to be at someplace like this, kissing Junhee made it possible, kissing Junhee made everything possible. Junhee was kissing him and it felt exactly as Donghun had said, as close to heaven as they could get, as they would ever get. Maybe it was Junhee's lips - their safe place, maybe kissing Junhee was their peacefulness, their happiness, their blessing, their answer. Maybe he didn't need to look anywhere else, maybe he only had to kiss Junhee, let Junhee kiss him, let Donghun and Junhee kiss him and kiss them back.

Just as kissing Donghun kissing Junhee made him believe that he deserved to be kissed. He deserved to be kissed and by someone who knew how and Junhee knew how to kiss him, Donghun knew how to kiss him, both Donghun and Junhee knew how to kiss him and Yuchan had never wanted anything more than being kissed by them, more than being able to kiss them. He had never wanted anything until he wanted them, until he wanted them to kiss him, until he wanted to kiss them, until he wanted to call them his, until he wanted them to call him theirs, until he wanted to be part of them, them part of him.

“Oh, so this is where you are.” Donghun’s voice came from behind them and Junhee pulled away, slowly, his lips lingering on Yuchan’s, leaving their trace against his, permanently, forever.

Donghun walked down the stairs and bent down in front of them. He reached out and offered Yuchan his hand, smiling, inviting, waiting for him to accept his open hand.

“Hello lover?” Donghun said and Yuchan thought he heard him wrong, thought he was talking to Junhee. He glanced at Junhee next to him and the older male nodded at Donghun’s hand, encouraging him to take it. Yuchan looked back at Donghun, took his smile, his sincere eyes in and slipped his fingers in between his, let him lace them together, unite them in one.

“Hello, lover.” He whispered back and felt himself burning. It felt new and unfamiliar and it felt too good and too sweet. It was something he had never been called before. It was something he had never called someone before. It was something he only wanted to call Donghun and Junhee, something he wanted Donghun and Junhee to call him. _A lover. Lovers. His lovers._

Donghun took Junhee’s hand in other and pressed their conjoined hands together, placed a kiss on each of them.

“Hello lovers.” Donghun said and Junhee laughed. Yuchan let the sound take them to their safe place, somewhere away from the rest of the world, somewhere made for three of them only, somewhere Icarus, Apollo and Poseidon in Donghun’s story had run away and found their home.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone.  
> There're few things I want to say before you start reading this chapter.  
> To be honest, I didn't really thought people where still reading this story as it had taken me ages to update. The only reason I kept updating is that I put things I need to remind myself from time to time in this story and I thought maybe someone would also find something useful somewhere in between the lines and hearing your thoughts (small parts of your own stories) after the last chapter and how it had left some kind of impact on you made me feel glad that instead of keeping this story only for myself I decided to keep sharing it with you. I wish each of you peace and happiness in life.  
> Also, before reading the chapter, please keep in mind that everyone has different experiences with Bipolar Disorder and the episodes that come with it. I tried to write it as accurately as possible from what I have seen someone close to me go through, but it has been years since then and I can never be as accurate as someone who has personally experienced it can be. I apologize for any inaccuracies and feel free to correct me. (Also the hints of Yuchan's Bipolar Disorder could be found and put together throughout the chapters).  
> And one last thing, there's only one chapter of this story left and I'll try to finish it before the university starts so you guys won't have to wait for it for months. I've the ending already written, I just need to get there.  
> Thank you so much for sticking with this story and leaving kudos and comments behind. They're greatly appreciated.  
> I apologize for the mistakes in advance. There may be more of them than usual for a few reasons I won't bore you with.  
> Take care.

 

**Chapter Thirty**

 

 

The following two days since the evening they had called themselves lovers and had become one felt magical to Yuchan. Hours had never passed so fast before. Everything felt different with Donghun and Junhee around him, calling each other names of endearment, touches no longer shy and cautious, gazes training on each other longer than usual, voices inside his head whispering - _finally theirs, finally his_.

Yuchan's entire world had turned upside down since the moment Donghun’s and Junhee’s lips had met his and he couldn’t remember the time he had felt happier than this. Donghun and Junhee changed his world for the better, made him want things he had never thought of wanting, they gave Yuchan’s life a new purpose, brought new light upon it, gave and showed him things he had never seen, made him feel emotions he had never felt before. It felt magical and beautiful, something so unreal, something so impossible to believe was true, was his, but it was. It was true. Donghun and Junhee were his lovers and he was theirs. Every time he doubted it, wondered if he was dreaming, if it was his mind turning his desires into images, the feeling of Donghun’s and Junhee’s lips against his, their bodies brushing against each other, his name leaving their lips, their gazes and touches lingering on him, their fragrance slowly becoming his, made him believe that it was true. It was happening. It was happening to him and he was starting to love every moment of his life, a life Donghun and Junhee had brought a new light upon, turned it into something so beautiful Yuchan could never imagine would come out of it. They made impossible possible, with them by their side Yuchan felt safe from the whole world, from everything life might have prepared for his future, for his life.

Donghun and Junhee were gods and Yuchan was mortal they had fell in love with. And, for the first time in his life Yuchan wasn’t saddened, wasn't disappointed by the idea of being one, because out of all the mortals in the world they had chosen to fall in love with him, they had decided that they wanted him, needed him, out of everyone they could have, out of everyone they could call theirs, they wanted to have him, wanted to call him theirs. They had wanted Yuchan as their lover and Yuchan had wanted them as theirs and lovers were what they became.

No matter how unreal, how unbelievable and impossible it sounded, Donghun and Junhee made sure he knew it was real and Yuchan had never believed something so much before in his life. The idea of it had been impossible until Donghun and Junhee had appeared in his life, but not anymore, not when they made everything possible. Yuchan was their lover and they were his and it was real. It was happening to him. He had finally found a place he belonged in. He had finally reached the place he was meant to be, his safe haven, a place he had spent his life looking for, he had lost his wings while searching for it, Yuchan had finally reached it and he realized that the place he had been looking for all along, was not really a place, it was a small, secure space in between Donghun’s and Junhee’s arms, it was their touches and their gazes and their comforting words. They were Yuchan’s safe place, a heaven he had been looking for, a heaven he could live in even with his broken wings, a heaven he would never want to lose, he would never want to run away from. He had finally found a place he wanted to stay, for as long as he could, for the rest of his life, a place that made him want to make full use of the second chance he had been given in life, a place he was allowed to call his.

 

**Chapter Thirty-One**

 

On the third day Yuchan woke up now in a familiar bed, tangled in the sheets that smelled of Donghun and Junhee, that were starting to smell of him, and of Donghun and Junhee, of three of them. He remained lying for a few seconds, but the waves of uncontainable energy and rising euphoria running through him made it impossible to stay in such position. He pushed himself upright, trying to not pay much attention to the awakening feelings inside him and turned to look for the other two males. Donghun was gone, as he usually did every morning, enjoying the sunrise and the quiet around him, while Junhee was lying on his stomach beside him, golden skin exposed to the chill morning air, one arm now draped across Yuchan’s lap, face turned to the side, looking as beautiful, as breathtaking, as lovely as ever.

Yuchan's face split into half by the wide smile that painted itself across his lips. He reached towards the older male and run his fingers down Junhee’s bare spine, cherishing the pleasant sensation it brought him.

“Junhee.” He leaned down and whispered in the other’s ear, excited smile still stretched on his lips. “Junhee.” He murmured against the elder’s skin once more and the sensation of it stirred the other male out of his sleep.

“Channie, is everything al..” Junhee started, gazing up at him with only one eye open, voice scratchy from sleep.

“I want to dance.” Yuchan cut him off, pitch higher than usual, enthusiasm radiating through his body. “I’ve not danced in days and I want to teach you how to dance, both, you and Donghun. Come, come dance with me on the jetty please.” Yuchan said, tugging onto the older male’s arm to pull him out of the bed. Junhee kept opening and closing his mouth, in daze, looking lost and startled. “Will you come dance with me, Junhee? I want us to dance together, three of us, I want to..” Yuchan continued until Junhee pressed his palm on his lips, pulling the younger closer to stop him from moving. Yuchan struggled for a few seconds, mouth still moving, before falling still.

“What’s going on?” Junhee asked, glancing around the room confusedly. Yuchan tilted his head to the side to look at him, eyes questioning. “What happened to you?” Junhee released his mouth, but one of his arms remained firmly wrapped around Yuchan’s waist cautiously.

“What do you mean?” Yuchan asked back, seeming as confused as the elder.

“What do yo.. What’s going on?” Junhee repeated his question, unsure of what to say, taking aback by the way younger male was behaving.

“Nothing.” Yuchan tried to wiggle out of his grasp, but Junhee held onto his waist tighter. “I just want to dance with you and Donghun. I had always danced alone, but I have you now and I want to dance with you. Please Junhee go, go dance with me.” Yuchan went off again, barely taking any breaths between the sentences, eyes wide and lit in so much energy and excitement. Junhee felt him fidgeting in his hold, as if he was struggling to stay still, Yuchan who moved so slowly you could barely notice, Yuchan who usually had so little will to move from one place to another, couldn’t stay still, wouldn’t stay still.

“Okay.” Junhee loosened his hold around the younger slightly, still afraid of fully letting go. “Okay, I will go with you. But let’s change and find Donghun first. How does this sound?” He suggested, trying to take in all the differences he was starting to notice in Yuchan, his behavior, his speech, his presence, his eyes, everything about this Yuchan seemed so different, but exactly the same and Junhee was struggling to make sense of it. Everything felt the same, but nothing was and he was missing the most important detail. The detail that had caused such a thing to happen, to drive Yuchan from one end to the other.

“No, no. We have to go now. We need to go now.” Yuchan shook his head in return, slipping out of Junhee's grasp and onto the floor. “Hunnie!” The younger called out, his voice cutting through the quiet summer morning sharply. “Hun!” He called once more as he reached for Junhee, clasped his wrist in his fingers and dragged him out of the bed with so much force, Junhee was not sure it was possible for someone with Yuchan's built. He tried to protest against the younger's hold, but he was being dragged out of the room before he could say anything. “Donghun!” Yuchan shouted and Junhee felt his heart shake inside his chest. He had never seen Yuchan seem so irritated before.

Junhee forced his body to stop, digging his bare heels into the carpeted floor and pulling Yuchan back and closer to him. He clutched the younger’s shoulders with his hands, standing face to face with each other. The look he caught inside Yuchan's eyes was so different and so similar to what he had come to know at the same time. Something was missing. Something was wrong.

“What’s happening, Chan?” He asked, grasping onto the younger’s shoulders, afraid that he may slip out of his hold once more. Yuchan gave him a confused look and Junhee no longer knew and understood anything.

“Do you not want to go dance with me?” Yuchan asked and Junhee felt his heart drop.

“What? No, of course I want to go..” He started, hurriedly, not wanting the younger to get a wrong idea, but Yuchan didn't let him finish.

“Then go with me.” He challenged, holding Junhee's gaze as firmly as he had never had before.

Junhee knew it was the same Yuchan he had fell in love with, but something was missing. Something had changed, but he had no idea what and he felt ashamed of himself for not knowing. How could he say he loved Yuchan when he didn’t know what was happening to him? When he couldn’t understand him in the moment Yuchan needed to be understand the most?

“I will. Of course I will.” Junhee tried to reassure, pulling him closer. “But first I need you to tell me what’s happening. I need you to know what’s going on, love.” Before he could pull the younger in his embrace, Yuchan suddenly went stiff and moved slightly away from him.

“Nothing is wrong, Junhee.” Yuchan said and he sounded cold, and angry, and sad and disappointed. And, maybe Junhee was feeling exactly the same about himself as the younger did. “You just don’t want to dance with me.” Yuchan took one more step back and away from him. Junhee tried to say something to him, arms still reached out, but the other didn’t let him. “I thought you would want to go with me. I want to dance with you. I.. I.. I.. I will.. I will.. I will go alone.” Yuchan told him, turning on his heels and running down the stairs. Junhee was after him in a second, Yuchan's name leaving his lips, but the younger didn't want to hear him.

Junhee felt relief wash over him when Donghun appeared by the end of the staircase and caught Yuchan in his arms, pressing him close to his chest, burying him in his secure embrace.

“What’s going on?” The older male asked, glancing between Yuchan in his arms and Junhee standing frozen in the middle of the staircase.

“I don't.. I don’t know. Donghun, I don’t..” Junhee tried to explain, walking down the stairs and closer to them, words dying in his throat before he could put voice to them.”I don’t understand. He wanted to go da..” He started again, but Yuchan’s muffled voice cut him off.

“I wanted to go dancing with you and Junhee, but Junhee doesn’t want to go with me.” Yuchan said and Donghun raised a questioning brow at Junhee, looking slightly surprised.

“Of course, I want to go with you, Channie. I just wanted to get changed first.” Junhee tried to explain, but Yuchan refused to look at him as he freed himself from Donghun’s arms.

“You just didn’t wa..” Before Yuchan could finish his sentence Donghun took them both by their arms and turned to lead them inside the kitchen.

“Let's talk about it after the two of you calm down, okay?” The elder suggested, voice calm and low, but Yuchan tried to pull his wrist out of his hand.

“I’m going to dance.” He sounded firm and irritated. Donghun turned to look at him taken aback by the younger’s tone.

“Can you wait for a few minutes so Jun can get changed?” He asked, trying his best to sound unaffected by the situation.

“No, I’m going now.” Yuchan said, curtly and shook Donghun’s hand off of his, turning to leave the kitchen, but Junhee was fast enough to reach forward and hold the younger back, pulling him towards Donghun and himself.

“What’s going on, Chan?” He asked, voice clear and no longer confused, trying to be patient and wait for the other's explanation. However, Yuchan looked angry.

“Nothing is wrong. Why don’t you believe me? Nothing is wrong.” Yuchan started, shaking his head from side to side to make his point clearer and more convincing. “I said nothing is wrong. Why don’t you just be..”

“Is everything alright?” Byeongkwan's concerned voice caught their attention and all three of them turned to look at him. He and Sehyoon were standing on the doorway, glancing between them, looking worried and barely awake.

“Kwannie!” Yuchan exclaimed, turning to his cousin. “Tell Junhee nothing is wrong.” Yuchan gestured him to Junhee next to him, waiting expectantly as Byeongkwan observed him silently for a few seconds, taking in Yuchan's darting eyes, fidgeting legs, the youngest of them radiating energy he didn’t have before, talking in a manner he only used at certain times, at times Byeongkwan had only seen twice.

“Chan.” Byeongkwan started, stepping inside the room. “Are you having a manic episode?” He asked and watched in worry as Yuchan lowered his head to the ground, exhausted sigh leaving his lips.

“I just wanted to go dance with Donghun and Junhee on the jetty.” Yuchan whispered and then he was crying, tears of disappointment, of anger, of irritation, of sadness and everything suddenly made sense to Donghun and Junhee. Both of them reached out at the same time and pulled younger in their arms, holding him tight and whole in their embrace.

 

**Chapter Thirty-Two**

 

Donghun watched as Junhee and Yuchan danced, arms spread out, sun shining down on them, both seeming like glowing angels under it, wide, satisfied grin stretched on Yuchan’s face, while a small, slightly concerned, but content smile painted itself across Junhee’s lips.

They had come out to the jetty after Yuchan had calmed down and Donghun and Junhee, with the help of Yeeun had convinced him to take his medicine. Everything was finally falling together little by little. Yuchan’s story was slowly shaping itself whole for them to know, for them to understand, for them to continue writing it with him. Donghun could feel Junhee’s disappointment in himself for not knowing, for not being ready, for not understanding Yuchan the way he should have, the way Yuchan needed, and even though he knew it was neither Junhee’s or his fault, he also couldn’t help but feel disappointed in himself. They should have asked more questions, they should have tried to dig deeper. Instead of letting Yuchan reveal himself to them on his own terms, maybe they should have risked asking him questions, questions that were neccessary to know answers of. However, Donghun wasn’t the one to regret and neither was Junhee. Maybe they had made a mistake for not asking, maybe they had done the right thing letting the life decide the timing things should be found and learned, but it didn’t matter anymore. It was already a past thing. What they needed to do, had to do right now was to stand beside Yuchan as they had before and walk with him through the rough path of recovery, land him help when he would need it, pull him up when he would fall, give him hope and love, be his strength and light in the darkness, his hope and his place of safety, someone he loved and loved him, someone he wanted and wanted him, someone he needed and needed him. Both, Donghun and Junhee would walk through this road with him and would follow him beyond it, wherever he wanted to go, wherever he wished to go, wherever his heart longed to reach, they would follow him everywhere, they would make sure he felt nothing, but love no matter where he was, no matter how hard things got for him. They would be here, for him, with him, he was their lover and they were his and lovers were supposed to be each other's strength, each other's light, each other's happiness. Love was supposed to guide them through the darkest of times, through the toughest of times, and also through the happiest, and loveliest times and Donghun and Junhee would fulfill their duties as Yuchan’s lovers. They would give their genuine love to him and would take his love in return.

Yuchan was no longer alone in this fight, now instead of one, life’s challenges would have to hold against three and looking at Junhee and Yuchan, laughing and dancing under the sunlight, holding onto each other’s arms, while the sea played a calm, soothing melody for them, Donghun realized that nothing would hold still against them. They would face everything with courage and bravery their love had borne inside their hearts. Donghun had come to learn that the true love made even the coward brave, lit their hearts in fire, gave them reason, purpose, will, to fight, to love, to live and Donghun’s, Junhee’s and Yuchan’s hearts burned three times stronger, three times brighter.

Donghun was pulled out of his thoughts when Junhee and Yuchan fell by his side on the ground, still laughing, their faces turned into suns.

“Are you tired?” Donghun asked, taking in the sight of their chests moving heavily. Junhee gave him a nod before laying down on his side on the edge of the jetty, resting his head on Donghun's thigh and looking out in the horizon. Yuchan shook his head in return, wide, satisfied grin plastered on his face as he mimicked the other's actions and laid down to rest his head on Donghun's other leg. The older male gazed down at them quietly, eyes wandering from Junhee to Yuchan and back, as he run his fingers through their soft, swaying hair, warm breeze caressing their bare skin with care and delicacy. _Such a beautiful moment to remember. Such a beautiful memory to keep._

“I'm sorry for the morning.” Yuchan said after a while, soft and quiet, eyes fixed on something ahead in the horizon and Donghun continued playing with his hair as a silent gesture of reassurance.

"Don't be." Junhee told him, tilting his head up to look at the younger.

“When Byeongkwan... When I heard him say it.. It suddenly hit me that something was wrong and I felt so scared. For a moment all I could think about was ' _what if they won't love me anymore after the scene I’ve made?_ ', before a voice inside my head went _'it's impossible to not love someone as loveable as you, but do they deserve to be loved by someone like you?'_  , and then I was angry and frustrated with myself, but I couldn't do anything about it. I never seem to be able to do anything about it. It's always the same. My mind believes whatever it wants, does whatever it wants and there's nothing I can do about it.” Yuchan said, frustration and ache visible in his voice, and pulled himself up to sit on his knees.

“Mind, Channie, is its own place.” Junhee told him as he got up from the ground and gathered their hands together before resting them on Donghun's lap. “Our head is its kingdom and our minds can make both heaven and hell inside it. It only plays with its own rules, twists and turns them however it pleases and it’s hard to win against it.” Junhee continued with a small, reassuring smile on his lips and both, Donghun and Yuchan listened to him quietly, their gazes fixed on their lover, hearing and seeing no one, but him. “Heart too is its own place and it also plays with its own rules. The only difference between these two is the way they play and the things they are playing for. When there is a perfect balance between these two kingdoms inside us, we feel at peace, but it’s almost an impossible thing to keep them in full balance with each other, sometimes mind wins, sometimes heart does, sometimes they both do at the same time. It’s a very human thing, Channie. It happens to all of us. It’s impossible to keep the balance forever, but the thing is that, instead of trying to force them in balance with each other, let go of both ends and let them adjust themselves with one another on their own pace, the thing is that, we should try to learn how to live, how to find peace and happiness even when they are in disharmony with each other. It’s a very human thing, Channie. No one really has their hearts and minds in perfect balance with one another, instead of pushing and pulling with them, they learn how to live with it. They find things, find people that make the disharmony feel less painful, more bearable, better, good. We find things and we find people that make the disharmony within us feel like the most beautiful harmony that could ever exist, that would ever exist. And, I said almost because sometimes the weight our hearts and minds need to stay in balance, be in balance with each other, can be found in other people, in the little everyday things, in the smallest of details. It takes courage and strength and bravery to realize it, to come in terms with yourself that instead of fighting them, find things, find people that will make them balance themselves naturally and never, never blame yourself for things you can't control. Remember that the right people will always understand. The people who love you will always understand, they will try to understand no matter how hard it may be.” Junhee said, his voice calm and reassuring, his words sounding like a perfect harmony to his lovers, a perfect harmony that faded away with the last word that left Junhee's lips and joined in the soft melody the calm sea below the jetty played for them, gone, but never lost, repeating itself inside them quietly.

“I think I’ve finally found my harmony.” Yuchan told them as he rearranged their hands and took Donghun’s and Junhee’s in his. “I’m slowly learning that there will be both bad and good days, but no matter which one of the two my day has become, you will be by my side to walk me through it.” A warm smile slowly painted itself on Yuchan's face as he gazed at them, eyes full of love, full of hope, full of belief, full of Donghun and Junhee.

 “We're here to stay, Chan and we want you to be unafraid of showing us the real you.” Donghun said and meant it. He and Junhee were going to stay no matter what they saw, what they learnt. They were here to stay as long as Yuchan wanted them by his side, as long as he wanted them to stay.

“I’m scared that if you see me for everything I am, I can be, you won’t love me anymore. The mere thought of it terrifies me so much. I can’t name the exact moment I fell in love with you, when I realized it you were everything I could think of, you were everything I've ever wanted and you are everything I can think of right now, everything I want to think of, everything I'll ever want in my life. I love you so much and the idea of you leaving me, won’t loving me anymore terrifies me more than anything else ever had.” Yuchan told them and felt sudden wetness on his cheeks. He released Junhee’s and Donghun’s hands and wiped the tears away. He wasn't sad. He felt relieved for finally saying the things he had wanted to say to them.

“What do you think love is, Chan?” Junhee asked, smiling slightly.

“I..” Yuchan trying to think of the way to explain it, but he couldn't find the right word. It was so many things at once, so many little details put together and turned into love. “I.. I don’t know.”

“Why do you love us, Chan?” Junhee asked again, taking Yuchan’s hand in his once more.

“Because..” The thoughts and the definitions inside Yuchan’s head raced. For a second so many emotions contrasted against one another inside him and it made him feel dizzy, blurred his vision and caused his heart to tremble. He struggled to gather everything he felt together and give them a meaning. “Because you see me. Because when no one else did you saw me. You always see me. You see my scars, hear my story and still decide to stay. Instead of walking away just like everyone else does, you choose to stay. When I’m with you voices inside my head are quiet, when I’m with you I feel at peace. I can sleep if I’m with you. I’m myself when I’m with you, because you don’t see me how you want, but how I am and I love you for all of these things, for seeing me, for staying, for making me feel things no one has ever have before, for giving me things no one has ever wanted to give me, for giving me something beautiful, something real.” Yuchan didn't love Donghun and Junhee simply. He loved them for many reasons, for many different things, in many different ways, because they gave him something true, something genuine, something real. Yuchan had found something real in them, someone real in them, someone he loved and loved him back, someone who had given him home in their hearts, someone he had built home for inside his own. He loved them and he wished he had a better way to explain it.

“Here you have your own answer, Channie. Junhee and I are here to stay. We want to see you in the light you are, Chan, not in the light we want you to be and we love who we see, we fell in love with who we saw and we will love who we will see. So, don’t be afraid of showing us the real you, the truest version of you, Chan, raw and bare, the one with no barriers and we will do the same in return. We will take and give back just as much. This is how things between us are going to be, we want to be, so remember that we’re here to stay and open up, let the light come inside you, let the light inside you reach outside.” Donghun told him and for a little while nothing could be heard, but the calm, soothing melody coming from the sea, easing them in a comfortable presence of one another.

“You’re here to stay.” Yuchan whispered to himself seconds later, unfocused gaze trained on the horizon, small smile on his face slightly dreamy.

“We’re here to stay and we are going to go through this together, Chan. We are going to go through everything together from now on.” Junhee promised and Donghun nodded at his lover’s words, making a silent promise of his own to him.

Yuchan’s gaze focused back on them and Donghun and Junhee took his face in their hands and kissed the corncers of his lips. The sudden sensation of it made Yuchan feel at harmony with the world around him. And, he knew it would take long, but he would come in harmony with himself too, slowly, at his own pace, Donghun and Junhee by his side to walk with him on his journey called life.

 

**Chapter Thirty-Three**

 

“Did Chan go somewhere?” Donghun asked as he walked out in the balcony to join Junhee, who was busy staring out to the wavering sea lit by the moonlight just outside of their house, on the sofa, carrying a glass of water and plastic, yellow medicine box in his hands.

 “He went to get ink and papers from your office to practice calligraphy with me. He wants me to translate some ancient Greek texts for him.” Junhee turned his head to look at him and patted an unoccupied space beside him on the sofa, asking Donghun silently to take a seat.

“Very good, that's good.” Donghun nodded at the idea and lowered himself beside Junhee. “Yeeun brought all of his medication and prescriptions over so she could explain them to me. Do you want to go over it?” Donghun gestured him to the box in his hand before bending down to place the glass of water on the floor.

“Of course, I do.” Junhee took the box out of Donghun’s hands and placed it on his lap, clicking it open with simple motion of his fingers.

Donghun hummed in response, looking at Junhee as he observed the pills inside the box closely before starting to explain everything in great details to him, making sure he didn’t leave a word Yeeun had said to him out. And Junhee listened to him attentively, shoulders slightly tense and expression focused as if he was writing each word that left Donghun’s lips on an invisible paper inside his head, nodding in understanding from time to time to let him know he was still listening and following him.

Just as Donghun finished his explanation Yuchan emerged outside of the house, slight bounce noticeable in his feet as he approached them, smiling, waving the papers from side to side.

“Great timing.” Donghun said as Yuchan squeezed himself between him and Junhee on the sofa.

“I stole some papers from your office.” The younger told him, laughing, and the sound of it brought out wide smiles on Donghun’s and Junhee’s faces.

“You could steal everything from there and I wouldn’t even think of reporting you.” Donghun grinned at him and found himself instantly falling in love with the pleased expression his words brought on Yuchan’s face. It was enough for Junhee to burst into a laugher, mumbling something Donghun couldn't properly hear.

“I’d steal you and Junhee first, so Sehyoon would have to report me.” Yuchan said, grinning back at him confidently, eyes glinting mischievously and Donghun was sure Junhee would have fallen off the sofa if it were not for his and Yuchan’s quick reflexes, reaching out instantly to catch his flailing form before he could find himself sprawled on the ground.

“I’ll report both of you before you can steal anything.” Junhee said between his breaths, palm placed on his chest, trying to calm himself down. He hadn’t heard Donghun say something like this since their freshman year of university and it was so unexpected to hear such words coming from Yuchan.

“Of course, you will.” Donghun directed his grin from Yuchan to Junhee, reaching over Yuchan's shoulders to ruffle his hair in the process and the gesture brought so many pleasant memories back on the surface inside Junhee's head. Everything felt so new, so much better with Yuchan by their side. It didn’t mean they used to love each other less before, their love to each other had always been the same, vast, strong, unchanging, but Yuchan brought a different light in their relationship, gave a different direction to their story, Yuchan gave a feeling of completion to it.

“It’s time to take your medication, Channie and then you and Junnie can do whatever you have planned.” Donghun returned his attention to the younger and the mere mention of medication was enough to wipe Yuchan’s wide smile off of his face.

“I don't need to take it. I feel great right now.” Yuchan tried to reason, glancing at the yellow box on Junhee's lap.

“We know you do, Channie.” Junhee told him and wrapped his arm around the younger’s shoulders. “But if we want your recovery to be successful we have to make sure you don’t miss a dose. It's important that you take them regularly no matter how well you feel.” He tried to convince the younger. He didn’t want to force him into taking his medication. He wanted Yuchan to take them on his own will, but he was also ready to risk it if Yuchan would keep refusing to take them.

“What if I won’t feel great anymore after I take them?” Yuchan asked, prying his eyes off of the box.

“I promise you will.” Donghun told him, reaching up and combing Yuchan’s hair out of his face, caressing it gently.

“But..” Yuchan started, but Junhee’s soft lips on his cheek caused the words to disappear in his throat.

“For us please.” Junhee whispered and no one said anything for a few seconds. The words hung in the comfortable air above them, repeating themselves in a quiet melody. _For us please._

Yuchan glanced between Donghun and Junhee for a few times, taking in their waiting, expecting eyes that spoke nothing, but love and care for him, that brought him nothing, but comfort and peace, happiness and warmth. He nodded hesitantly and Donghun and Junhee leaned in to kiss him on the cheeks.

There was nothing Yuchan wouldn’t do for them and he knew they would do anything for him.

 

**Chapter Thirty-Four**

 

Donghun and Junhee watched as Yuchan finally fell into a calm, peaceful slumber, sitting on the both sides of the younger male, their fingers locked with each other in a loose grip, and wondered when they had fallen in love with this broken, but utterly beautiful boy, when they had fallen in love with the dancing angel on the jetty. And, no matter how much they thought of it, they still weren’t sure when it had happened. Maybe it was the very first moment their eyes had landed on him, dancing among the calm waves of sea, sunlight playing on his golden skin, smile sad and face peaceful, seeming unreal, so out of this world, so unearthly. Maybe in the living room of the Kang’s house when Yuchan had walked in so suddenly, his appearance so expected and unexpected at the same time, hair drenched in water, looking startled and lost or maybe when he had played the piano for them, a gentle melody, a story of sadness and loneliness he had wanted to share with them, he had wanted Donghun and Junhee to hear. They didn’t know. They couldn’t recall a certain moment and say that was when we fell in love with him. It was possible that they had fallen in love with Yuchan just by the first glance, on the morning they had watched him dance so beautifully, so captivatingly, and they had been falling in love with him since then, every second, every moment was a new chance, new way for them to fall in love with him, love him more than they had before, love each other more than they ever had, if something like this were possible, if love like this were possible. But in the end, it didn’t really matter when they had fallen in love with him, they did and that was the only thing that mattered. They had fallen in love with him somewhere in between the first second their eyes had landed on him and few minutes ago when Hypnosis had come and taken Yuchan to his dreamland, someplace made of him and his dreams. They had fallen in love with him and they were falling in love with him in this very moment, gazing at the sleeping dancing angel, his expression relaxed and fully taken over by peacefulness, his chest moving up and down gently, in the softest, in the most delicate manner Donghun and Junhee had ever seen, his fingers laced in between theirs, securely, in safety.

“Gods and Goddesses, I love him so much.” Donghun whispered, leaning down to place a gentle kiss on the back of Yuchan’s hand.

“Me too.” Junhee said, smiling gently at the sight of his lovers before him.

“I love you both so much.” Donghun told him, leaning over Yuchan's body to kiss him and Junhee kissed him back. The clock on the wall tickled loudly enough to disturb the sudden quiet around them and let the world know it was already two in the morning.

Both of them laid down on the bed beside Yuchan after they broke apart from the tender kiss, younger wrapped securely between them, their conjoined arms keeping him safe from the rest of the universe and let sleep take over them, drifting to their own dreamlands slowly, hearts in peace and at ease, looking forward to meeting each other on the other end, in the world of them and their own dreams.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> Here we go with the last chapter of this story. I hope it's not so disappointing as an ending (I understand if it is) and you will enjoy reading it.  
> I want to thank each of you for sticking with Dancing With A Fallen Angel and following Yuchan's journey. I've some regrets about this story and I think it could have been much better, but due to some circumstances it became what it is and unfortunately, I can't do much about it now. I thought I would be able to fix some parts of it after it was over, but I'm not going to be able to find enough time for it as I'm starting my senior year at university in a few days and it's gonna be busier than usual.  
> Thank you so much for putting up with all the mistakes (I apologize for the ones in this chapter in advance) and for leaving kudos and comments behind. I appreciate them so much. Each thought on the story and the characters I have built means a lot to me.  
> If there is something you are curious of or you want to discuss (about the story and the characters or beyond it) don't hesitate to ask. I'll try my best with answering it.   
> The poem used in the end of the story belongs to Allison Chambers Coxsey and I don't claim any ownership of it.   
> That's it I guess.   
> Take care everyone.

 

**Chapter Thirty-Five**

 

_An end and a new beginning..._

 

The days started to pass faster than Donghun and Junhee remembered time usually fleeting by, like a dreamer getting lost in his daydream in the morning and returning to the reality of life only at night, confused how a day could be gone so fast, so soon, without him noticing. Things were starting to fall together piece by piece and each hour flying by brought something new in their life, something new of Yuchan, of Yuchan’s story, his thoughts and ideas and dreams, something new for them to learn, to know, to understand the dancing angel who once had seemed so untouchable better, a reason for them to love Yuchan more, love him harder, deeper, more than yesterday and less than a new day that was yet to come, something that made their love stronger, bent it in a shape that time couldn’t harm, life couldn’t break, made even Gods and Goddesses jealous. They had Yuchan and Yuchan had them. They were lovers, _lovers,_ a word Yuchan loved so much and their life was taking a new turn, moving in a direction neither of them had expected it to move, but they were looking forward to what was waiting at the end of the road for them, they were looking forward to see the outcome of their blooming love.

Things were coming together little by little and everything seemed to be getting better until one day Yuchan came home, crying, calling their names as he run inside the yard of their house, Jeonghwan and Yeeun quick on their feet after their son, pleading him to stop, to listen to them, to let them explain, but Yuchan didn’t hear them, didn't want to hear them, didn't look back at his parents even once. He run blindly, trusting his legs to carry him to the only safe place he knew, he run until he crashed against Junhee who had run down from the balcony at his calls, sheltering his younger lover in his embrace.

“What happened, love?” Junhee asked as he wrapped his arms securely around Yuchan's trembling form, heart shaking at the sight of his crying lover inside his chest. “What happened?” Junhee directed his question to Jeonghwan and Yeeun standing two feet away from him and Yuchan, expressions pained, full of worry and regret.

“He misunderstood so..” Jeonghwan started to explain, but Yuchan didn’t let him finish, lifting his head up to look at Junhee.

“Tell them please.” Yuchan cried out, grasping Junhee’s t-shirt tightly, trembling fingers curled into fists. “Tell them please that I don’t want to go back there anymore. Don’t let them send me there anymore. Junhee, please.” Yuchan pleaded, voice broken, tears staining his cheeks. Junhee placed his hand on Yuchan’s hair and laid the younger's head on his shoulder, threading his locks gently as a silent gesture of comfort.

“Calm down, love and tell me what’s wrong. I promise, no one will make you do what you don’t want to do, but first calm down. Don't cry anymore. Don't waste your precious tears.” Junhee whispered to the younger, his gaze still directed to Yuchan’s parents watching the scene in front of them silently. Junhee felt a familiar arm come around to rest on his waist, pressing him close, securing both him and Yuchan in a single hold.

“Let’s talk inside.”Donghun said as he gestured Jeonghwan and Yeeun to the entrance of the house, guiding Junhee and Yuchan inside with his palm rested on the small of Junhee’s back, reassuring, a silent sign of _it will be fine._

A few seconds later they were sitting in the living room, Yuchan caged in between Donghun and Junhee securely, his head buried in Junhee’s shoulder, one of his trembling hands hidden in Donghun’s hold, while Jeonghwan and Yeeun sat in front of them, gazing at their son quietly as they waited for him to calm down, listening to the quiet whispers of comfort and assurance Junhee and Donghun gave the younger.

It took Yuchan few minutes to calm down, head still resting on Junhee’s shoulder, exhausted from crying, face tear stained and red. He stopped resisting and let his eyes flutter close, feeling safe seated in between his lovers, getting distracted by the feeling of Donghun’s thumb rubbing soothing circles on the back of his hand.

“Jeonghwan, Yeeun.” Junhee started, gathering attention of Yuchan’s parents on himself. “What happened?”

“One of Channie’s teachers came today.” Yeeun told him, taking in a shaky breath. “New school year is starting in two weeks and she wanted to settle a few details with Jeonghwan and I. He took a year off three years ago and he.. he still has his last year to take. We were not planning to decide anything without him. Not this time. I swear, Channie. We didn’t really send him to school. He only went to take exams, but... I know, we know it was hard on him and we wanted to discuss things with him before making a final decision, but he saw her and he just... He didn't let us explain.” Yeeun explained to him before turning her attention back to her son. “Channie, sweetheart, please believe us when we say we won’t send you there if you don’t wa...”

“Yo.. You sent me there when I didn’t want to.. whe.. when I said it was hard to go back there but.. but you still sent me. You acted like I didn’t exist when I tried to get used to leaving the house with you and the whi.. whispers followed us everywhere. You didn’t.. You never..” Yuchan’s voice gave in and he was crying again, burying himself in Junhee’s embrace, hiding his tears from his parents.

“We.. Channie, we understand how wrong we had been back then. We understand it now. We didn’t do it because we don’t love you, we thought... We thought it would be better to let the gossips stay as one, we thought they would stop talking about it if we remained silent. We thought they would get tired of it if there was no reaction from us. And I understand how wrong we had been for staying silent, for not speaking up on the behalf of our son. We thought we were protecting you and by thinking that, by doing that, we made you feel like we didn’t care, but we did, Channie, believe us please, we did, we still do and always will. How can we not, Channie, when you are all we have? If our apologies could mean anything, could change anything we would apologize hundred times over and over. We didn’t try to understand you, we didn’t ask what you wanted us to do, what would be the best for you to feel comforted, to feel safe and cared and loved in your own house, we thought that what we were doing was right, would be the best for you and I see, looking at you three, I understand how wrong we had been until now and if an apology is enough, if there is something, anything, Channie, that could show you how much we love you, how sincere we are tell us and we will do it. We will do anything.

“We wanted to find the best way for you to recover, but we ended up doing the opposite. We made it harder for you. We should have asked, we should have listened better, we should have tried harder. What we thought was the best for you wasn’t what you needed, hasn’t been what you have been looking for and we’re sorry, we’re truly sorry, sweetheart. But please, please believe us when we say that we love you, believe us, my dear son, when we say you are all we have, because it’s true, it’s all true, Channie.” Yeeun said, no longer being able to hold her tears back, Jeonghwan’s hand grasped tightly in hers, desperate eyes directed to their son who refused to look at them, hiding himself from their gazes.

Junhee and Donghun understood them. They didn’t judge them, couldn’t judge them for what they had done. It must have been hard on them too. They must have tried to find their own ways to deal with everything that had happened in their lives three years ago and had failed to see that the way they were trying to move on, forget it, carry on living as normal as possible, was hurting Yuchan, was hurting their one and only son deeply. But they were all humans and sometimes pain could be blinding, so blinding, so unbearable that you saw nothing beyond it. Sometimes seeing someone you held dear in your heart hurting could blind you in pain, in pain caused by not knowing what to do, not understanding what to do, how to help them, how to reach out to them, how to make things better and easier for them and you ended up clinging onto the first sign of hope that appeared on the road full of pain and darkness and worry. You clung onto it so much, so desperately, so hard that you forget the initial purpose of it, you forget why you have been seeking the solution, hope, faith all along, because you have looked for it for so long and when it appeared unexpectedly, one day, somewhere along the road, you saw nothing else. You tried to forget the blinding pain by focusing on that one, little sign of hope that had suddenly appeared in your life and you failed to see the whole world of solutions behind it.

“Could you please give us some time alone?” Donghun asked the married couple in front of them few minutes of silence later, giving Yuchan’s hand one last squeeze of reassurance before releasing it and getting up. Jeonghwan and Yeeun nodded in return, their eyes still trained on Yuchan, rising up from their seats hesitantly.

Donghun walked them to the door, silence surrounding them, but it wasn’t uncomfortable, it was full of understanding. He understood them. He knew they loved their son. He no longer doubted that they loved their son. Donghun was one of those people who believed that there was always a place for second chances in life.

“Give him some time.” Donghun told them when the couple hesitated for a few seconds on the doorway. “I’m sure he understands you. He just needs some time, but don’t worry. It will be alright.” He gave Jeonghwan’s shoulder an encouraging squeeze and directed a kind, reassuring smile to Yeeun who immediately reflected it back, full of gratefulness.

“Thank you, Donghun.” Yeeun took his hand in hers, patting him on the back of his hand. “Thank you, both you and Junhee. Thank you for seeing what we failed to see. Thank you for understanding and taking our Channie in as he is. Thank you for being there for him when we couldn’t, when we so foolishly thought we were doing him good, but instead were breaking his heart.”

“Don't thank us, Yeeun, don't thank us.” Donghun told her as she released his hand. “Just know that Junhee and I will do everything within our might for Chan’s happiness.” Donghun promised her and he knew they would. He was sure they would. He and Junhee would do anything for Yuchan’s happiness and they would do it on Yuchan’s terms, not theirs, so they wouldn’t make the same mistake, so they could avoid making the same mistake. They would leave Yuchan’s happiness in their lover’s hands, while trying to give him everything he needed for it, everything he needed to find his own happiness, built his own happiness out of.

“We know, Donghun, we do. Thank you.” Yeeun told him, giving him a thankful smile one last time before heading to the stairs.

Donghun watched the married couple walk away, side by side, hand in hand, and disappear behind the gates of his house before closing the main door and walking back to where he had left his lovers. Junhee and Yuchan were still sitting on the couch, Junhee trying to talk to the younger.

“Look at me, love, try to calm down and look at me please.” Junhee was saying, wiping Yuchan’s tears away with his fingers.

“I tho.. I thought they.. the..” Yuchan tried to say something, but his voice refused to cooperate.

“Didn’t love you?” Junhee offered and received a nod from the younger in return. He gathered Yuchan’s face in his hands, smiling at his hiccupping lover lovingly. “How could they not, Channie? How could they not love you? They love you, of course, they do, and they tried to show it in the only way they knew. I know it hurt you, I know it was hard on you, but try to understand them, you don’t have to understand everything, not everything people do out of love is right, but try to understand them as much as you can, as much as it’s possible, as much as you think they deserve your understanding.”

Donghun walked to the couch and lowered himself on his previous place beside Yuchan, snaking his arms around the younger’s waist and hugging him from behind. He felt Yuchan go numb in his hold and Donghun pressed his chest against the younger’s back tightly, leaving no space in between them.

“I don’t.. I don’t want to go back. I only we.. went for exams, but it.. it was so hard. I don’t want to go through it anymore. Don’t make me please. I don’t want to do it anymore.” Yuchan finally managed and buried his face in Junhee’s chest, feeling the elder’s heartbeat through the thin fabric. He was caged in between the heartbeats of his lovers, soothing melodies of theirs surrounding him, tuning out the outside world, sheltering him in the safest place that could ever exist – in the small space between their hearts, in between them.

“Don't cry, love, don’t cry. You don't have to take your last year of school here. We're not going to put you through this anymore. Let’s calm down and think of a solution together. How about we go to the city? How about we find a new beginning somewhere else? Somewhere far from here? You only have to say yes or no, you only have to say you want to leave and we will be out of this village and on our way somewhere else, someplace safer for you, someplace nicer to you. You just have to say it, Channie.” Donghun released the younger male from his hold and turned him slightly to look at his face, to look into his eyes and find the right answer there, the answer Yuchan may try and hide, Yuchan may choose to not give them. “We need you to tell us what you want Channie, we need you to tell us what you need, so we won’t make the same mistake. So tell us what is it that you want to do.”

“Bu.. but you wanted to live in the village. You wa..” Yuchan started, glancing between them. Junhee laughed quietly at his answer, shaking his head, hushing the younger.

“We are asking what you want, Channie. What you want to do. Only think about yourself. Forget Donghun and I for a little while.” Junhee told him, took Yuchan's hand in his and linked their fingers together. “Be selfish, love, be selfish for your happiness. Don’t take things for granted, but be selfish about the things you need for happiness. If someone wants to give them to you willingly take them. They must have a reason for it. Not everyone gives expecting something in return. Some give because they have a reason, a reason like love, a reason like wanting someone you love to be happy, wanting to give someone you care about a life they want, a life, a story, they had always dreamed of, because their happiness is yours and nothing else matters in the world. So be selfish right now and tell us what is it that you want.”

“And if you didn't know already, Junhee and I have already found what we came for in the village.” Donghun added, leaning in and pressing his lips on Yuchan’s temple. His words caused a small smile to find its way on Yuchan’s face, corncers of his lips twitching happily. It was true. Donghun wasn’t trying to exaggerate when he said it. He and Junhee had come to the village for something new, for something different and they had already found it, they had found someone who had given their life a new meaning, a new direction, a direction they needed, a direction they wanted to see the end of.

“I want to leave.” Yuchan said few seconds later, gathering their hands in one hold and pressing them together. “I want to leave the village with you.” Yuchan told them, no longer hesitant of saying what he wanted. He wanted to leave the village with Donghun and Junhee. He wanted to find a new beginning, new life, wanted to discover a new world with Donghun and Junhee.

Yuchan let his eyes wander on the faces of his lovers, took their reassuring eyes and gentle smiles in and believed that things were finally going to get better and easier for him, life was better, would be better if he had Donghun and Junhee by his side, their presence comforting and reassuring, their eyes full of care and love. They were going to make sure they felt happy and loved in every moment of their life together, a fallen angel and two gods building their own heaven out of each other.

 

**Chapter Thirty-Six**

 

Donghun was the first one to wake up that day. The sun was barely up on the sky, its light reaching through the open windows of their bedroom faint and weak. Yuchan had left already to greet the sun on the jetty, to become its first friend of the day, his usual side of the bed empty, but still warm. Donghun was sure he missed the younger only by a few minutes. He leaned down and placed a feather-like kiss on Junhee’s exposed shoulder, letting his lips ghost over the other’s warm skin before slipping out of the bed and to the balcony, breath held, excited to see the dancing angel dance, peaceful, carefree, content with himself and his life.

Yuchan was already standing in the middle of the jetty, arms spread out, swaying slightly to the music inside of him, only heard by those Yuchan himself had decided to open his heart to, silent, inaudible, for the rest of the world, shared only between him and his lovers.

Donghun felt someone’s presence behind him and a pair of familiar arms found their way around his waist, pressing his back against a warm chest of his lover. Junhee kissed his neck and laid his cheek on Donghun’s shoulder, joining him to watch Yuchan dance on the jetty, under the blue sky, under the bright sun, among the calm waves of sea, seeming as angelic, as captivating, as graceful as he had looked when Donghun and Junhee first saw him dance, spread out arms his wings, swaying hair his halo, only them and the dancing angel, rest of the world asleep, rest of the world silent and unaware of the beautiful scene unfolding somewhere in an old, little village hidden away in the mountains and surrounded by the sea.

Yuchan turned, stopped for a moment and gazed at them as if he had expecting to see them standing there, watching him, breathe held, hearts pounding loudly, full of amazement, wonder and love. A wide smile painted itself on Yuchan’s face as he turned once more and continued dancing, slowly, effortlessly, every move of his mesmerizing, mysterious, blessed with beauty and grace so unearthly, so unknown and unheard of.

“Beautiful, isn’t he?” Junhee whispered, eyes fixed on the dancing boy ahead.

“Yes.” Donghun told him, taking one of Junhee’s hands in his. “Beautiful and ours.”

Yuchan was beautiful. He was so beautiful Donghun was sure no word could do his beauty justice. And, he was theirs. _Their lover. Their dancing angel._ He was no longer a mystery waiting to be solved. He was theirs and he was still a mystery, but now a mystery that had decide to let them in his own world, in the world of a fallen angel trying to learn how to fly with his wings broken, a fallen angel trying to find his way to heaven, to someplace made for him, meant for him, safe for him, a mystery that had chosen to unveil himself to them on his own, a mystery they called theirs, a mystery that called them his.

Yuchan whirled around and his hearty laughter reached them, ringing inside their ears, filling them with warmth. The most beautiful melody in the whole world. Donghun and Junhee found themselves softly smiling, hearts content and swelling in love.

The angel danced and the two gods watched him silently from afar, waiting for him to finish dancing and return to their own little heaven.

 

**Chapter Thirty-Seven**

 

The remaining days of summer passed quickly with all its ups and downs, beauty and sadness, pain and happiness and Yuchan noticed the world around him slowly change, take a different shape, turn into something less scary, less obscure, something more reachable, something he could understand and make sense of and then the time came. Time to leave. Time to find a new life, to start everything from a completely clean sheet, to explore a whole new world and Yuchan was happy to leave. He was happy to leave his past, his pain, his fears, his insecurities, bad memories behind. He was happy to leave with Donghun and Junhee by his side, with Donghun and Junhee making sure he wouldn’t get lost in the journey he was emerging on, with Donghun and Junhee guiding him through the darkness and the light and everything that was to come, that would certainly come.

“Ready to leave, love?” Junhee asked as he opened a door of the car for Yuchan. He was. He was ready to leave and he was ready to find something beautiful, something safe, something their own together with Donghun and Junhee. Yuchan gave him a nod before climbing on the backseat of Donghun's car, heart trembling inside his chest.

“Thank you, Jun. Donghun.” Yeeun told them when all three of them were seated inside the car and Donghun started the engine. “We will come to visit often. Take care of each other.” She added and reached through the rolled down window to caress Yuchan’s hair, her touch full of love and warmth, her eyes brimming in sadness.

“Always remember that we love you, Channie.” Jeonghwan said over his wife's shoulder, strain in his voice visible. The man was barely holding tears back.

“We love you more than anything else in the world, sweetheart.” Yeeun told her son, giving him a sad, but warm, loving smile.

“I love you too.” Yuchan leaned out of the rolled down window to give his parents a goodbye kiss one last time. He no longer doubted their love. He had come to see that his parents loved him dearly in the past two weeks. Maybe they had failed to show it before, maybe he had failed to see it earlier, but they were learning on the mistakes they had made in the past. They weren’t trying to fix what was already done and wouldn’t change. They were making sure to not repeat them again. Jeonghwan and Yeeun were making sure to listen to their son, his own solutions, his own wishes, his own needs, dreams, thoughts and ideas and they were setting him free, they were letting him go and find happiness on his own, build the life he had always wanted, he had always looked for on his own.

“Be happy and safe, my son.” Yeeun told him and Donghun drove the car away from the gate of the house he and Junhee had come to the village to live in two months ago, glancing at his lovers briefly to see their reactions.

Junhee and Yuchan leaned out of the windows to wave Jeonghwan and Yeeun a goodbye, to wave Yuchan's old life a goodbye as Donghun drove them out of it and into a new one.

This was the beginning. Yuchan's second, new life was just starting and for the first time in forever he wasn't afraid of the future. He had two loving and caring partners beside him who would walk with him through everything in life. He was no longer afraid of what was to come, he was looking forward to see it, to welcome the much needed, long waited change with open arms, with Donghun and junhee by his side, with Donghun and Junhee as his lovers, with him as their lover. _Lovers._ They were Yuchan's new beginning and they would be the end Yuchan would look forward to have.

Yeeun and Jeonghwan disappeared from their sight and Yuchan slipped back inside the car, moving in the middle of the seat to look at his lovers. Junhee turned his head to smile at him, as reassuring and comforting as ever. Yuchan reached forward and took Junhee’s hand in his, held his own hand out for Donghun to hold with one of his hands, eyes fixed on the road ahead, but his heart with his lovers. Yuchan rested his cheek on the headrest of Junhee’s seat, smiling softly to himself.

_A new beginning._

_A new life with his lovers._

“Do you know a poem called Dance of the Angels, Channie?” Junhee asked few minutes later as they drove past the sign that informed them that they were leaving the village.

Yuchan tried to search the title through his memories, but nothing came on the surface. “I don’t.” 

“Will you read it for us, Donghun?” Junhee asked the elder and Donghun glanced at them by the corner of his eye, smiling to himself before starting to read the poem aloud, tone gentle and low, sending shivers through his listeners' spines.

“ _I dance 'cross skies of azure blue,_

_With joy I spread my wings;_

_Laughter rains like falling stars,_

_And all of Heaven sings._

_Dancing, swirling through the night,_

_On angel's wings I glide;_

_For I have found my Angel here,_

_He is standing by my side._

_With my hand there within his,_

_With wings wrapped softly 'round,_

_Soul to soul and heart to heart,_

_We never touch the ground._

_Soaring 'cross the heavens,_

_We'll never be alone;_

_The angel's search is over,_

_For the angels are home now._ ”

It had taken Yuchan years to understand that the only way for change was to plunge into it, trust it blindly and let it carry him to the other end of it, to the better end of it, to the end he had never seen before, but Donghun and Junhee had shown him and he was slowly moving towards it, he was getting closer and closer to the other end.

 


End file.
